Be with me because I am with you…

JOURNAL ENTRY

February 4th

It’s interesting, sometimes I write to get out of my head and sometimes I write to get into my head. Tonight I do not know which I need. Some nights I become more anxious than others. This is when I pray for courage – faith becomes present and I understand again. Purpose is real while coincidence is not. Reason is held by what we experience and the experience itself is filled with reason. Sometimes this makes me uncomfortable, sometimes I rather stay in and hide from all existence. It’s in moments like this that I pray for courage. Courage to relax. Courage to continue. Courage to express. Courage to release. Courage to be. Courage to step out. And courage to illuminate –

A moment of silence follows where my pen has stopped… I sit back and look at the word I had just written.

Illuminate… I am taken back as I know this was not the word I was planning on writing.

Whenever I pray for courage I think of the last conversation I had with my father before he committed suicide. We joked about the kind of man he would like me to grow up and be with.. I listened to stories I’ve never heard before as we sat together eating Chinese take out. He looked at me and told me if I ever feel like I am falling down to pray… He said I will give you all the courage you need. I didn’t know then what I do now, that in that moment he was telling me, to trust in his guardianship.

For a long time I’ve had a hard time expressing myself openly. Although it is a passion of mine and a need like breathing, I create in silence.

Tonight I was creating in silence until he wrote. Illuminate…

Illumination is defined by throwing light upon, making something brighter, it is to decorate with gold and silver. Illuminate by illustrating, enhancing and highlighting. Illumination is to be intellectually or spiritually enlightened… and that I am.

To illuminate is to be seen.

To illuminate is to be heard.

To illuminate is to be a flood light showing others that they too are in view of admiring eyes and they too are being listened to.

That they too will be blessed with courage.

-Sadianne Joyce