Tag: beauty

My Testimony

 

close up colors landscape picture“The Lord is my Shepard – I lack nothing.

He makes me lie down in green pastures.

He leads me besides the still waters.

He restores my soul.

He leads me to paths of righteousness.”

He makes me. He leads me. He restores me.

There was no other way. Every day and especially come night, I had a relationship with God – he came in to protect me. When I think of my childhood I think of my Mother. She had an energy about her that gave me safety. Even when her environment was unsafe, my Mother didn’t allow fear to cross her. Gods protection reminded me of my Mom, but I knew with Gods protection that it wasn’t just me that was kept safe, it was both her and I, my sister, my Father, everyone surrounding me – which made my relationship with God a priority. It’s as if he came to me and I surrendered. I knew that all would be okay as long as I followed this feeling and trusted a higher form of care. As a kid our relationship felt like the greatest, private tale of all time, yet it was real. It was existing, sometimes a gut feeling – I didn’t know precisely what this love was, but I knew I would never move in the opposite direction. And it carried me all the way to the next chapters of my life. When I think of my life and the testimony that belongs to me, there is not a certain moment that was a defining moment. My testimony has lived within me since I came to understand the safety that followed after I allowed God to take care of my family and I. Prayer would blossom out of me. I wasn’t taken to church religiously, but my mind understood the beautiful, miraculous wonders that something much larger had to of been the Creator. I wasn’t religious in terms of following a set of rules but I had an undeniable, personal relationship that I embrace to this day. Spirituality is my movement. Everyone around me knew that my experiences were outside the ordinary for a child my age, I grew up fast. I had no other choice, the same way God came in and took care of my life. Our safety. He made me lay down, rest, and realize he was the only one who could restore all of the hurt, fight and confusion.

My mom received a phone call, I heard the detective on the other line tell her to turn around, they found him. “Where is he?” My Mother asked. The detective responded and told her he would speak to her in person. I pushed my head into the seat and prayed the hardest I’ve ever prayed in my life. In that moment I felt the presence of God surround my being. It was clarification, understanding and knowing that the feeling I’ve been feeling, came over my body in full. I was no longer having just a taste of what my relationship was, I became fulfilled. I prayed so hard I could barely breathe. It was my initial reaction, to speak to God. To let him know that I am here. I am with him. He let me know he was with me.

“Please. Let him be okay.” I whispered. I would soon find out that he was. He was no longer in pain. No longer addicted. No longer fighting control. As I prayed, I felt as if my Dad was taking my hair, tucking it behind my ear, rocking me back and forth, telling me, “I am okay. And you will be too. Your mom. Your sister. The days to come. The man who will fill in. I am not far, I am here with you. I hear you, not in the way I used to. But you are all knowing and you will never go a day without my attention.”

The rest of the night is a blur. It could have been the tears covering my eyes or the sound of the scream I heard from my Mom when the detective told her they found my father dead. I stayed in the car when she went in to have the conversation. Looking at my sister in her car seat I wondered how this could be. Tears fell from my face, my sister in my arms. This was now my battlefield. His hurt is gone and ours will worsen for some time. But because God is with me, I will never fail, the pain will not last, understanding will come over my heart, it will take years but it will come. I will never lose sight of the proof that we have a protective God. My fathers death was a grudge that I held for awhile. Sadness turned into anger and anger turned into anxiety.

I fought to forgive my Father for all he has missed and all he will miss out on, for the love I poured from my small being, feeling as if I could have done better… Wishing I would have done more… I forgave him. For making my Mother a warrior, not because she wanted to be but because she had to be, she was a survivor while sometimes feeling like she was losing. I forgave him for leaving. He left me with the most powerful lesson. He didn’t leave me empty handed and I often wonder if he as well, had a relation with God that offered pure peace. It took me a long time to realize this. He introduced the purest, most powerful love. And this is where my strength comes from, the relationship I had with God as a young age. It wasn’t because of the experiences I went through but because of the faith my small being had. Sometimes we go through ultimate darkness so we are made to kneel down, to have one choice but to give ourselves to the one who holds reason and I made the choice to do so. Even when it didn’t make sense, it does now. And I understand that I have been encountering God in special ways ever since.

With arms wide open and a broken heart, anger in my soul, misunderstanding when happiness was present, unknowingly defending all pain, carefully taking myself out of joyful situations because it felt too good to be true, I remembered that this is not what God would want for me. And most certainly not my Father, who wished with his entire being – to give me the very best. I not only forgave my Dad. I forgave myself and let the weights drift from my shoulders. I let go and let God in, again, again and again. And each time I would find that same feeling of guidance, fulfillment, a sense that I was being waited for. Restoration occurred and I am now the woman I am today because of the witness I grew up to be. There is no other way, there is no other choice, God is the center of my life, and the reason as to why the gospel I take in is so moving.

I pray that those who have their own testimony share their voice with others. I pray that those receiving, dance to the gospel.

I pray that those who have not had the opportunity to experience such a relationship, open their hearts and realize the rest will follow.

Trust in this.

The rest will follow.

-Sadianne Joyce

“It takes courage to give voice to what we experience, the way a coyote howls: not just out of hunger, but out of visceral joy at being a part of the infinite secret revealed. In this way, we’re angels wrapped in skin and fur, racing through thicket after thicket because we sense what can’t be seen all around us.” -M. Nepo

Personal Reflection

“You have to find your own style, and it’s difficult to define what style is. It’s not what you’re wearing; it’s how you wear it. It’s something very personal, and it reflects the way you live and your house, the books you read, the art you have.” -Carolina Herrera

Welcoming Abode + Attire to Studio Strive. A place I will continue to share my soul with my readers but also my style. Style to me has always kept my heart inspired. It’s my walk, my movement, and it’s not something that I’ve created from someone else. It begins as a relationship to what already feels part of me. Sometimes a find feels like a long lost friend. Anyone else have a silk blouse, a vintage frame holding unknown art, a thrifted book or a piece of jewelry, call to them in a way you also feel true love? If not – I’ll explain the feeling best as I can. It’s a form of immediate confirmation. Expression and creation. It’s not materialistic, it’s originality and art. Handmade, handpicked and protected by the heart that chose it.

My blogs new category, Abode + Attire allows me to share my finds, the finds that call me by name, the ones I dance my way to the sound of its voice. Style is so much more than the clothes you wear, the items you buy, what is trending or what relates to fame. Style is the core of your being. What makes you feel good? What adds to your personal touch? Who do you wish to be? If your items would be placed on an authentic quilt, placed as if they were having a picnic between themselves, would they define the best version of you? When the items we own surround us without meaning, our life becomes meaningless and crowded. 

Personal style is accepting who you are, and to begin – we must be aware and unafraid to express all that calls to us. Answer the call and enjoy a life full of creation that resembles the creation that you are. A sight worth reflection. We are meant to have connection, it sets us apart and brings us together. Inspire others and become inspired. Admire style and become style. When we live a life full of art, life never knows boring.

-Sadianne Joyce

A Hummingbird’s Reflection

I remember sitting carefully watching a hummingbird fly in and out of my view. How can a rib cage that small protect a heart that is so vital for survival? How is it possible that something so tiny be so full of life, fast and ready for flight? The color in the feathers gleamed with a glow that felt outside of realities possibilities. The movement of it’s wings were sound of vibration. This small being moved in balance of ease and determination, knowing it was capable.

If a hummingbird were to fly into war, I imagine that all would stop and soon gather around its graceful movement. An intriguing presence would make the battle hush and all would factor the delicacy of its being. Silence would overcome any battleground and because they chose to hear the music, they would be in awe of the noise its body made.

A realization takes place when we mirror the importance of existence. If we wonder upon others with such observation and elegance, it’ll be easier to focus on our equality of worth. We often lack an understanding of empathy. Empathy is often mistaken as wrong or weakness. It’s possible that we are used to living in a world of controversy, judgement and expectation. When we forget to show sensitivity towards others we are forgetting to love the very creation of what brought us all here. Every judgement we make, assumption or fight we choose – we are deciding to be a reflection of that very decision. Whether we choose to see beauty or darkness, the result will speak on our own existence and reflect in our own being. Whether we become better or bitter, we will become the energy of our own response. Our capability of embracing the worth of even small beings – such as a hummingbird, will be felt. Our capabilities will allow us to attract or repel. Grow or stay.

We may see something, a place or person and question upon it’s depth – how in the world can something be so breathtaking? How can something that cannot speak make me understand? How can a sight take away all my words even when I am not speaking? How can someone silence a room just by the energy of their presence? The answer is simple, we can find it in our own reflection of this astounding possibility. By the beauty we choose to see, by the depths we decide to explore, by the risk we brave, by those we surround ourselves with and by simple care of even the small, we mirror what we take away. We determine the power we give our reflection.

When I see something as delicate and beautiful as a hummingbird I allow myself to be in wonder of all that it is and all that I am. The way we question the possibility of something else’s beauty, know that we are worth the same amount of admiration.

Let a monument feel more monumental because you are standing upon it. Know that you are an experience – people will carry your heart in their own. Awaken others by stepping out and into the light by being God created refinement. Be so loving children and animals can’t help but rest their head in your peace. Treat your heart as if it was protected between the size of a hummingbirds rib cages, worship your delicacy, mirror the strength.

Let us fly into war and come out survivalists because we chose to see the beauty and be the beauty.

-Sadianne Joyce