Tag: emotion

My Testimony

 

close up colors landscape picture“The Lord is my Shepard – I lack nothing.

He makes me lie down in green pastures.

He leads me besides the still waters.

He restores my soul.

He leads me to paths of righteousness.”

He makes me. He leads me. He restores me.

There was no other way. Every day and especially come night, I had a relationship with God – he came in to protect me. When I think of my childhood I think of my Mother. She had an energy about her that gave me safety. Even when her environment was unsafe, my Mother didn’t allow fear to cross her. Gods protection reminded me of my Mom, but I knew with Gods protection that it wasn’t just me that was kept safe, it was both her and I, my sister, my Father, everyone surrounding me – which made my relationship with God a priority. It’s as if he came to me and I surrendered. I knew that all would be okay as long as I followed this feeling and trusted a higher form of care. As a kid our relationship felt like the greatest, private tale of all time, yet it was real. It was existing, sometimes a gut feeling – I didn’t know precisely what this love was, but I knew I would never move in the opposite direction. And it carried me all the way to the next chapters of my life. When I think of my life and the testimony that belongs to me, there is not a certain moment that was a defining moment. My testimony has lived within me since I came to understand the safety that followed after I allowed God to take care of my family and I. Prayer would blossom out of me. I wasn’t taken to church religiously, but my mind understood the beautiful, miraculous wonders that something much larger had to of been the Creator. I wasn’t religious in terms of following a set of rules but I had an undeniable, personal relationship that I embrace to this day. Spirituality is my movement. Everyone around me knew that my experiences were outside the ordinary for a child my age, I grew up fast. I had no other choice, the same way God came in and took care of my life. Our safety. He made me lay down, rest, and realize he was the only one who could restore all of the hurt, fight and confusion.

My mom received a phone call, I heard the detective on the other line tell her to turn around, they found him. “Where is he?” My Mother asked. The detective responded and told her he would speak to her in person. I pushed my head into the seat and prayed the hardest I’ve ever prayed in my life. In that moment I felt the presence of God surround my being. It was clarification, understanding and knowing that the feeling I’ve been feeling, came over my body in full. I was no longer having just a taste of what my relationship was, I became fulfilled. I prayed so hard I could barely breathe. It was my initial reaction, to speak to God. To let him know that I am here. I am with him. He let me know he was with me.

“Please. Let him be okay.” I whispered. I would soon find out that he was. He was no longer in pain. No longer addicted. No longer fighting control. As I prayed, I felt as if my Dad was taking my hair, tucking it behind my ear, rocking me back and forth, telling me, “I am okay. And you will be too. Your mom. Your sister. The days to come. The man who will fill in. I am not far, I am here with you. I hear you, not in the way I used to. But you are all knowing and you will never go a day without my attention.”

The rest of the night is a blur. It could have been the tears covering my eyes or the sound of the scream I heard from my Mom when the detective told her they found my father dead. I stayed in the car when she went in to have the conversation. Looking at my sister in her car seat I wondered how this could be. Tears fell from my face, my sister in my arms. This was now my battlefield. His hurt is gone and ours will worsen for some time. But because God is with me, I will never fail, the pain will not last, understanding will come over my heart, it will take years but it will come. I will never lose sight of the proof that we have a protective God. My fathers death was a grudge that I held for awhile. Sadness turned into anger and anger turned into anxiety.

I fought to forgive my Father for all he has missed and all he will miss out on, for the love I poured from my small being, feeling as if I could have done better… Wishing I would have done more… I forgave him. For making my Mother a warrior, not because she wanted to be but because she had to be, she was a survivor while sometimes feeling like she was losing. I forgave him for leaving. He left me with the most powerful lesson. He didn’t leave me empty handed and I often wonder if he as well, had a relation with God that offered pure peace. It took me a long time to realize this. He introduced the purest, most powerful love. And this is where my strength comes from, the relationship I had with God as a young age. It wasn’t because of the experiences I went through but because of the faith my small being had. Sometimes we go through ultimate darkness so we are made to kneel down, to have one choice but to give ourselves to the one who holds reason and I made the choice to do so. Even when it didn’t make sense, it does now. And I understand that I have been encountering God in special ways ever since.

With arms wide open and a broken heart, anger in my soul, misunderstanding when happiness was present, unknowingly defending all pain, carefully taking myself out of joyful situations because it felt too good to be true, I remembered that this is not what God would want for me. And most certainly not my Father, who wished with his entire being – to give me the very best. I not only forgave my Dad. I forgave myself and let the weights drift from my shoulders. I let go and let God in, again, again and again. And each time I would find that same feeling of guidance, fulfillment, a sense that I was being waited for. Restoration occurred and I am now the woman I am today because of the witness I grew up to be. There is no other way, there is no other choice, God is the center of my life, and the reason as to why the gospel I take in is so moving.

I pray that those who have their own testimony share their voice with others. I pray that those receiving, dance to the gospel.

I pray that those who have not had the opportunity to experience such a relationship, open their hearts and realize the rest will follow.

Trust in this.

The rest will follow.

-Sadianne Joyce

“It takes courage to give voice to what we experience, the way a coyote howls: not just out of hunger, but out of visceral joy at being a part of the infinite secret revealed. In this way, we’re angels wrapped in skin and fur, racing through thicket after thicket because we sense what can’t be seen all around us.” -M. Nepo

Held to Rising

From a woman, born the same way you were. From a woman who had enough strength in her bones to birth you, to release you into a world not knowing what your purpose would be. Maybe not even knowing her own purpose yet – you arrived.

To all mothers and their strength to carry us, to free us and maybe even watch us grow. The first sound, a cry into the air of a space that others are present and witnessing. This is the beginning of a life granted. A moment so beautiful everyone in the room cries. We cry with our mother, we cry with the others. A yell into life, a sound so powerful. Make it be true for the rest of the time you are given, even if it takes a few seconds of silence before you release. Please don’t be afraid to make your sound. Continue to let them hear and be aware of your presence.

I was loved before I was kissed. I had hearts believing in me before I knew what it meant to believe in myself. I was held by beauty when my small legs met life. My legs went kicking, awakening the morning as if I was practicing the run I would have along the moon time and time again. I was born this way. Wild. Free. Sometimes restless, always perceived. Ready to take chances and cherish those who cheered and stood alongside.

I was not only heard on that day but felt then as you feel me now.

There is a breathing aura that fills up the space between these words and the color of your eyes. A connection between my heart and yours. Spreading through the distance between what you see and what you feel. These kicking legs can be kept up with – for those who know how to run.

How these legs have grown to long silk, I am aware of the transformation that has developed and in tune with what is still occurring.

To those who are raised with purpose. To those still questioning what their noise means. To those who have no doubts and to those who have not one clue. You were brought into this world to feel all of this, the purpose of where you are currently started from a seed, look how you’ve grown – you are not done.

Run into the question. Bloom into the certainty of reason. The strength lays not only in your mothers bones but now in yours. Always allow your movement to be taken in. Between the distance of your thoughts and the sight of the moon, I will be known as you will be felt.

Let’s blossom, from morning to night. Let’s take off, from being held to our capability of rising. Let’s continue to carry praise and release even more than what was ever expected.

-Sadianne Joyce

“She writes things with her movements that I for the life of me could never write with a pen.” -Christopher Poindexter



Come morning I stretch my body in the length of my bed. The natural light is my motivation to rise. Another day. The warm water runs down my skin and I become ready in the present. Breathing alive. I don’t have to part my lips to explain my truths. I embody them.

We all embody something.

My proudest truth that I embody is all the admiration that lives within me. Throughout the day I find art – in movement, in silence and in noise. I soak in my environment and love cultural differences. I want to taste everything and appreciate the familiar or the uniqueness. I find myself dancing to all music and singing in languages I have yet to understand. I am a living sponge, absorbing all.

Judgement closes opportunity. Judgement can be a dangerous and false pathway. In order to find the truth in a setting, person or story – you must experience it for yourself. Dig to the roots, find the reason, listen to the noise. Most importantly, admire and wish to learn the unedited version. The raw version.

“People are just as wonderful as sunsets if you let them be. When I look at a sunset, I don’t find myself saying, “Soften the orange a bit on the right hand corner.” I don’t try to control a sunset. I watch with awe as it unfolds.” -Carl R. Rogers

The craft that something is made with is miraculous. Difference itself is an intense force. I feel for this. There is a certain truth I cannot get enough of… Honest depth, true emotion and genuine intention is the core of attraction.

Some people, places and emotions are so beautiful it’s hard to assign words. Do yourself a favor. Let all of it take your breath away.

Remember these moments. Seek them more. Be the truth you wish to find. Admire by closing your eyes or opening your eyes. Hold on tight and let it embody you. Let it all sink in. The amount of words you thought you needed to explain… the amount of change you thought you desired… the judgement you placed… it can all drop to a breathtaking zero.

-Sadianne Joyce