Tag: emotional

My Testimony

 

close up colors landscape picture“The Lord is my Shepard – I lack nothing.

He makes me lie down in green pastures.

He leads me besides the still waters.

He restores my soul.

He leads me to paths of righteousness.”

He makes me. He leads me. He restores me.

There was no other way. Every day and especially come night, I had a relationship with God – he came in to protect me. When I think of my childhood I think of my Mother. She had an energy about her that gave me safety. Even when her environment was unsafe, my Mother didn’t allow fear to cross her. Gods protection reminded me of my Mom, but I knew with Gods protection that it wasn’t just me that was kept safe, it was both her and I, my sister, my Father, everyone surrounding me – which made my relationship with God a priority. It’s as if he came to me and I surrendered. I knew that all would be okay as long as I followed this feeling and trusted a higher form of care. As a kid our relationship felt like the greatest, private tale of all time, yet it was real. It was existing, sometimes a gut feeling – I didn’t know precisely what this love was, but I knew I would never move in the opposite direction. And it carried me all the way to the next chapters of my life. When I think of my life and the testimony that belongs to me, there is not a certain moment that was a defining moment. My testimony has lived within me since I came to understand the safety that followed after I allowed God to take care of my family and I. Prayer would blossom out of me. I wasn’t taken to church religiously, but my mind understood the beautiful, miraculous wonders that something much larger had to of been the Creator. I wasn’t religious in terms of following a set of rules but I had an undeniable, personal relationship that I embrace to this day. Spirituality is my movement. Everyone around me knew that my experiences were outside the ordinary for a child my age, I grew up fast. I had no other choice, the same way God came in and took care of my life. Our safety. He made me lay down, rest, and realize he was the only one who could restore all of the hurt, fight and confusion.

My mom received a phone call, I heard the detective on the other line tell her to turn around, they found him. “Where is he?” My Mother asked. The detective responded and told her he would speak to her in person. I pushed my head into the seat and prayed the hardest I’ve ever prayed in my life. In that moment I felt the presence of God surround my being. It was clarification, understanding and knowing that the feeling I’ve been feeling, came over my body in full. I was no longer having just a taste of what my relationship was, I became fulfilled. I prayed so hard I could barely breathe. It was my initial reaction, to speak to God. To let him know that I am here. I am with him. He let me know he was with me.

“Please. Let him be okay.” I whispered. I would soon find out that he was. He was no longer in pain. No longer addicted. No longer fighting control. As I prayed, I felt as if my Dad was taking my hair, tucking it behind my ear, rocking me back and forth, telling me, “I am okay. And you will be too. Your mom. Your sister. The days to come. The man who will fill in. I am not far, I am here with you. I hear you, not in the way I used to. But you are all knowing and you will never go a day without my attention.”

The rest of the night is a blur. It could have been the tears covering my eyes or the sound of the scream I heard from my Mom when the detective told her they found my father dead. I stayed in the car when she went in to have the conversation. Looking at my sister in her car seat I wondered how this could be. Tears fell from my face, my sister in my arms. This was now my battlefield. His hurt is gone and ours will worsen for some time. But because God is with me, I will never fail, the pain will not last, understanding will come over my heart, it will take years but it will come. I will never lose sight of the proof that we have a protective God. My fathers death was a grudge that I held for awhile. Sadness turned into anger and anger turned into anxiety.

I fought to forgive my Father for all he has missed and all he will miss out on, for the love I poured from my small being, feeling as if I could have done better… Wishing I would have done more… I forgave him. For making my Mother a warrior, not because she wanted to be but because she had to be, she was a survivor while sometimes feeling like she was losing. I forgave him for leaving. He left me with the most powerful lesson. He didn’t leave me empty handed and I often wonder if he as well, had a relation with God that offered pure peace. It took me a long time to realize this. He introduced the purest, most powerful love. And this is where my strength comes from, the relationship I had with God as a young age. It wasn’t because of the experiences I went through but because of the faith my small being had. Sometimes we go through ultimate darkness so we are made to kneel down, to have one choice but to give ourselves to the one who holds reason and I made the choice to do so. Even when it didn’t make sense, it does now. And I understand that I have been encountering God in special ways ever since.

With arms wide open and a broken heart, anger in my soul, misunderstanding when happiness was present, unknowingly defending all pain, carefully taking myself out of joyful situations because it felt too good to be true, I remembered that this is not what God would want for me. And most certainly not my Father, who wished with his entire being – to give me the very best. I not only forgave my Dad. I forgave myself and let the weights drift from my shoulders. I let go and let God in, again, again and again. And each time I would find that same feeling of guidance, fulfillment, a sense that I was being waited for. Restoration occurred and I am now the woman I am today because of the witness I grew up to be. There is no other way, there is no other choice, God is the center of my life, and the reason as to why the gospel I take in is so moving.

I pray that those who have their own testimony share their voice with others. I pray that those receiving, dance to the gospel.

I pray that those who have not had the opportunity to experience such a relationship, open their hearts and realize the rest will follow.

Trust in this.

The rest will follow.

-Sadianne Joyce

“It takes courage to give voice to what we experience, the way a coyote howls: not just out of hunger, but out of visceral joy at being a part of the infinite secret revealed. In this way, we’re angels wrapped in skin and fur, racing through thicket after thicket because we sense what can’t be seen all around us.” -M. Nepo

Available Sanctuary

 

“Within you, there is a stillness and a sanctuary to which you can retreat at anytime and be yourself.” -Herman Hesse

How peaceful it is to know we always have a place to go. The most important and vital elements of our beings are within. How sacred and intimate this is when we realize that everything that requires most care, cannot be seen by a surface level glance. We are a house to our soul, our mental state and all of our emotions. We carry a home within us. Whether it comes to physical health or emotional health – I choose and continue to focus on the comfort and love I put into my own sanctuary. Finding home within is essential, it’s ours and it’s time to own it.

We are our own place of safety, comfort and light. We allow what affects the energy weaving in and releasing. We are walking with a haven beneath our form. Are we making it a safe place to be? A place we would wish to visit? A comfort we crave? Does it feel like a trusting and lasting relationship? Rest and acceptance? Love?

What words of encouragement do you have hanging on the walls of your mind? Which words do you speak that sound like prayer? What do you feed your mind before falling asleep and the second you wake? Is your reflection smiling back at you saying “You are beautiful. You are capable. You are strong. You will figure it out.” How is your body being nourished? Are you giving your eyes enough sights that make your body, even if – just for a moment feel one with the scenery? Do you hush your mind and rock your soul to rest when feeling anxious? Do you become better after a challenge instead of bitter? Do you wake thanking God for another day instead of dreading what needs work? Are you easy on yourself when repairs need to be done? Are you wise enough to call for help when the job may be too big to handle yourself? Are you your own best friend, telling yourself “You deserve good things.” just as you would to someone that means the world to you? Are you forgiving when you can’t always be the best version of yourself? Do you wish to be light in darkness or join as a shadow? When you judge others do you acknowledge the feeling of grit it gives your body? When you see the beauty in others do you acknowledge the warmth that runs through your veins? Do you treat others the way you would like to be treated? Do you treat yourself the way you desire others to treat you?

I’ve heard people wanting to get out of their mind, wanting to move on from everything they are feeling, wishing they were somewhere else other than their current state – but all of this cannot be tackled without tackling it. There are fights we need to fight in order to make room for these questions and answers that will shape us into all we are capable of becoming. We must ask the hard questions and most importantly we must answer honestly. Once we become honest with who we are deep down we can then begin to shape our house into a home. Our physical, mental and emotional state will feel safe and heard. There is no need to hide emotions, to pretend that everything is okay when it is not – this is a false environment, one where we wont be free. We can recreate, revisit, revamp, reconstruct at any given moment – we are a miraculous creation that will adjust. Beautiful adjustments take time so it’s important to keep our spirits up and continue to fight when we don’t see or feel results. Something is in store, something restored.

Sink into your sanctuary.

Walk in fearlessly, get comfortable and honest. And then ask your refreshed, revitalized self, “Will you stay awhile?”

-Sadianne Joyce

Held to Rising

From a woman, born the same way you were. From a woman who had enough strength in her bones to birth you, to release you into a world not knowing what your purpose would be. Maybe not even knowing her own purpose yet – you arrived.

To all mothers and their strength to carry us, to free us and maybe even watch us grow. The first sound, a cry into the air of a space that others are present and witnessing. This is the beginning of a life granted. A moment so beautiful everyone in the room cries. We cry with our mother, we cry with the others. A yell into life, a sound so powerful. Make it be true for the rest of the time you are given, even if it takes a few seconds of silence before you release. Please don’t be afraid to make your sound. Continue to let them hear and be aware of your presence.

I was loved before I was kissed. I had hearts believing in me before I knew what it meant to believe in myself. I was held by beauty when my small legs met life. My legs went kicking, awakening the morning as if I was practicing the run I would have along the moon time and time again. I was born this way. Wild. Free. Sometimes restless, always perceived. Ready to take chances and cherish those who cheered and stood alongside.

I was not only heard on that day but felt then as you feel me now.

There is a breathing aura that fills up the space between these words and the color of your eyes. A connection between my heart and yours. Spreading through the distance between what you see and what you feel. These kicking legs can be kept up with – for those who know how to run.

How these legs have grown to long silk, I am aware of the transformation that has developed and in tune with what is still occurring.

To those who are raised with purpose. To those still questioning what their noise means. To those who have no doubts and to those who have not one clue. You were brought into this world to feel all of this, the purpose of where you are currently started from a seed, look how you’ve grown – you are not done.

Run into the question. Bloom into the certainty of reason. The strength lays not only in your mothers bones but now in yours. Always allow your movement to be taken in. Between the distance of your thoughts and the sight of the moon, I will be known as you will be felt.

Let’s blossom, from morning to night. Let’s take off, from being held to our capability of rising. Let’s continue to carry praise and release even more than what was ever expected.

-Sadianne Joyce