Tag: experience

My Testimony

 

close up colors landscape picture“The Lord is my Shepard – I lack nothing.

He makes me lie down in green pastures.

He leads me besides the still waters.

He restores my soul.

He leads me to paths of righteousness.”

He makes me. He leads me. He restores me.

There was no other way. Every day and especially come night, I had a relationship with God – he came in to protect me. When I think of my childhood I think of my Mother. She had an energy about her that gave me safety. Even when her environment was unsafe, my Mother didn’t allow fear to cross her. Gods protection reminded me of my Mom, but I knew with Gods protection that it wasn’t just me that was kept safe, it was both her and I, my sister, my Father, everyone surrounding me – which made my relationship with God a priority. It’s as if he came to me and I surrendered. I knew that all would be okay as long as I followed this feeling and trusted a higher form of care. As a kid our relationship felt like the greatest, private tale of all time, yet it was real. It was existing, sometimes a gut feeling – I didn’t know precisely what this love was, but I knew I would never move in the opposite direction. And it carried me all the way to the next chapters of my life. When I think of my life and the testimony that belongs to me, there is not a certain moment that was a defining moment. My testimony has lived within me since I came to understand the safety that followed after I allowed God to take care of my family and I. Prayer would blossom out of me. I wasn’t taken to church religiously, but my mind understood the beautiful, miraculous wonders that something much larger had to of been the Creator. I wasn’t religious in terms of following a set of rules but I had an undeniable, personal relationship that I embrace to this day. Spirituality is my movement. Everyone around me knew that my experiences were outside the ordinary for a child my age, I grew up fast. I had no other choice, the same way God came in and took care of my life. Our safety. He made me lay down, rest, and realize he was the only one who could restore all of the hurt, fight and confusion.

My mom received a phone call, I heard the detective on the other line tell her to turn around, they found him. “Where is he?” My Mother asked. The detective responded and told her he would speak to her in person. I pushed my head into the seat and prayed the hardest I’ve ever prayed in my life. In that moment I felt the presence of God surround my being. It was clarification, understanding and knowing that the feeling I’ve been feeling, came over my body in full. I was no longer having just a taste of what my relationship was, I became fulfilled. I prayed so hard I could barely breathe. It was my initial reaction, to speak to God. To let him know that I am here. I am with him. He let me know he was with me.

“Please. Let him be okay.” I whispered. I would soon find out that he was. He was no longer in pain. No longer addicted. No longer fighting control. As I prayed, I felt as if my Dad was taking my hair, tucking it behind my ear, rocking me back and forth, telling me, “I am okay. And you will be too. Your mom. Your sister. The days to come. The man who will fill in. I am not far, I am here with you. I hear you, not in the way I used to. But you are all knowing and you will never go a day without my attention.”

The rest of the night is a blur. It could have been the tears covering my eyes or the sound of the scream I heard from my Mom when the detective told her they found my father dead. I stayed in the car when she went in to have the conversation. Looking at my sister in her car seat I wondered how this could be. Tears fell from my face, my sister in my arms. This was now my battlefield. His hurt is gone and ours will worsen for some time. But because God is with me, I will never fail, the pain will not last, understanding will come over my heart, it will take years but it will come. I will never lose sight of the proof that we have a protective God. My fathers death was a grudge that I held for awhile. Sadness turned into anger and anger turned into anxiety.

I fought to forgive my Father for all he has missed and all he will miss out on, for the love I poured from my small being, feeling as if I could have done better… Wishing I would have done more… I forgave him. For making my Mother a warrior, not because she wanted to be but because she had to be, she was a survivor while sometimes feeling like she was losing. I forgave him for leaving. He left me with the most powerful lesson. He didn’t leave me empty handed and I often wonder if he as well, had a relation with God that offered pure peace. It took me a long time to realize this. He introduced the purest, most powerful love. And this is where my strength comes from, the relationship I had with God as a young age. It wasn’t because of the experiences I went through but because of the faith my small being had. Sometimes we go through ultimate darkness so we are made to kneel down, to have one choice but to give ourselves to the one who holds reason and I made the choice to do so. Even when it didn’t make sense, it does now. And I understand that I have been encountering God in special ways ever since.

With arms wide open and a broken heart, anger in my soul, misunderstanding when happiness was present, unknowingly defending all pain, carefully taking myself out of joyful situations because it felt too good to be true, I remembered that this is not what God would want for me. And most certainly not my Father, who wished with his entire being – to give me the very best. I not only forgave my Dad. I forgave myself and let the weights drift from my shoulders. I let go and let God in, again, again and again. And each time I would find that same feeling of guidance, fulfillment, a sense that I was being waited for. Restoration occurred and I am now the woman I am today because of the witness I grew up to be. There is no other way, there is no other choice, God is the center of my life, and the reason as to why the gospel I take in is so moving.

I pray that those who have their own testimony share their voice with others. I pray that those receiving, dance to the gospel.

I pray that those who have not had the opportunity to experience such a relationship, open their hearts and realize the rest will follow.

Trust in this.

The rest will follow.

-Sadianne Joyce

“It takes courage to give voice to what we experience, the way a coyote howls: not just out of hunger, but out of visceral joy at being a part of the infinite secret revealed. In this way, we’re angels wrapped in skin and fur, racing through thicket after thicket because we sense what can’t be seen all around us.” -M. Nepo

Virtue Defined

Emotions running through my blood, reminding me how alive and blessed I am to live a life granted. Sometimes it’s important to center all of our thoughts, our purpose, the joy we are capable of.

Ask yourself, what confirms my existence? What confirms my purpose? Tears begin to run down my face, making me understand the very reason of my creation.

We gather and forget what we are here for. Let us be reminded why we all live in the same place. It is not to feel crowded, invaded or anxious. I find people full of love everyday, and if I feel a shortage, I wish to offer a hand, wanting to remind them of why happiness is something we’re all capable of. I listen to hear God’s voice, I become a steward of blessing when I speak through him and when I give through him. When I become a blessing to others I am blessed with confirmation. I am rewarded with confirmation of knowing my very purpose. My purpose in life is not something to grasp, it is not a goal to reach, it’s not a day I look forward to. My purpose is now. It is present time that deserves indulgence. Every breath, every moment, every day. My purpose is to step outside of ordinary, to become something deeper than just a surface level, existing conversation. I wish to comfort and warm where cold hits and wishes to settle. I am created to admire, to look in the eyes of despair and pray for light. I’m here to look into the eyes of joy and feel them inspire. When I give joy, I receive joy – because within offering is foundation.

The design of my body was given as I continue to be the designer of my spirit. I am fulfilled with worthiness when I design by surrendering.

“I would rather be what God chose to make me than the most glorious creature that I could think of; For to have been born in God’s thought and then made by God is the dearest, grandest, and most precious in all thinking.” -C.S. Lewis

Surrendering is one of our strongest abilities. Surrendering to what God has called upon us, in front of us and behind us is not an easy task, but it is needed in order to understand pure reason. My motives are to let go of control. I no longer try to calculate what does not make sense. I stray from paths that do not lead to a holy place. I no longer move forward forgetting that I am chosen and a plan is crafted. I am yours God while I am still mine, experiencing this is virtue defined. I will only desire change if it is called by you. I will only trust where I feel you live. I only indulge where I can serve purpose and purpose can serve me. Unease and confusion does not tempt me. I no longer invite the unknown unless intuitive discovery calls. I will not go where I feel you afar. I cannot seek for something that is already inventoried within.

I have heard your voice, your comfort, your wisdom in places I have needed it – This is ALL I need. I will continue to be the very creation you called upon this Earth. I will continue to live as a daily reminder of what I am capable of – what we all are capable of.

I will continue to surrender.

-Sadianne Joyce

And Maybe Even Stay…

“I’ve learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision. I’ve learned that even when I have pains, I don’t have to be one. I’ve learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back. I’ve learned that I still have a lot to learn. I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” Maya Angelou

We all go through phases where our heart wants to stay in. We want to shy away from real emotion because it’s easier. Less effort means less work, zero expectations means zero disappointment. I’m working on this – I’m working on sharing my heart in every day that I have. In personal experience, I’ve gone through hurt – heartbreak – pain. Darkness is not a focus for me, so I tend to focus on all the blooming I’ve done after finding the light. I have not always been positive, in love with life, or forgiving. But after finding my way, which we all do differently – I have become one with the pain that I’ve experienced in my path. I have become one with the loss and the aches that have brought me to who I am today. It doesn’t happen over night and that was a struggle for me as well. But I found faith, I found myself through being vulnerable, by opening my heart in understanding I don’t need to have it all figured out. Time heals, and that it did.

I’ve realized that hurt can only come from a place of hiding, making myself smaller, picking and choosing what I wish to define me. I’ve come to the conclusion that I cannot pick and choose what happens to me, this is the beauty of life – but I can choose how it shapes me. I believe that if we all showed up in the armor that has brought us through the battles we’ve gotten through – or maybe still going through, we wouldn’t be so afraid. We would understand in mutual sympathy. We could tolerate and respect each other for the reason behind our challenges. We could support and cheer with those in need.

Strength has nothing to do with the tears kept in, with the straight face given when emotions run through the bloodstream. Strength is allowing yourself to be who you are and being unafraid to show up in truth.

I’ve always fought my battles silently, feeling ashamed if my life wasn’t what I wanted it to look like – but all of that changed.

I’ve no longer felt afraid to express myself, I’ve no longer felt the need to shy away from being loud in my truth, being able to ask the difficult questions, to connect with others because I am brave enough to show that life is not always pretty, nor is it meant to be. This has allowed me to become one with everything that has happened to me and more than ever, ready for what is to come. My heart has grown, real intentions by real people have brought me to safe places of love. If I receive true intentions and gentle care after I show not only my good side, but all the others, I know that I have found the ones. The people, places, homes that are meant to walk in and maybe even stay, within my open heart.

-Sadianne Joyce

Collections

Becoming more aware of our collections will allow us to be more present when another moment is to be grasped, tucked away and kept to add with the others. Let us credit ourselves for all of the beauty we seek and then keep. The views we give our full attention to are not just views at all – they are masterpieces being added to our inside studios and displays. Part of what defines us is what attracts us. What attracts us allows us to expand our minds in admiration and creation.

MY COLLECTIONS

Sunsets and conversations as warm as the hues releasing themselves to our sky. Open space that allows my heart to feel like it was just exposed to a fresh slate.

Melodies and songs that move my body and make me reach to turn the volume up. A velvet, sultry voice that I know when I hear. Dancing that is not just movement but need.

Memories that even thinking upon shape me from content to enthralled. Lessons that are learned and used to keep me on the greater path, where wild flowers grow.

The smells of a cafe, the sound of coffee brewing and mugs clinking into a busy hour. Different storefronts that display what they wish to define their business.

Vintage photographs and postcards with love notes.

Fresh air whether it’s surrounded by morning dew or night stars. The sound of natures song, the birds singing and branches swaying.

Being heard and the proof of being seen. Silent conversations and moments of intuition. Smiles from strangers and compliments in passing.

Inspiration dripping from personal style and originality. A backstory of a unique piece, the travelling it has done, the reason behind being worn.

Words that are so much more than just a noise. Words that are so much more than something to be read. Books that hold meaning and stories that are told in vulnerability.

Risks and adventure.

Kisses and energy. Love given and love received.

Collections can be physical belonging that we bring home and cherish, but they can also be moments of silence. Collections can be the intangible. The free offerings life gives us gracefully.

As a child I never picked up a stone that looked perfect, but the ones that were unique and different from the rest. In personal experience, imperfection allows me to see more beauty. When we reach out to grasp something beautiful, something beautiful will reach back and shift us.

I’ll continue to collect, gathering the moments and wildflowers along my path. With my collections I am not experiencing a place outside of myself but rather carrying what shapes me within myself everywhere I go.

I am continuously expanding larger because I carry and add treasure in every breath I take.

-Sadianne Joyce

Joining Forces

Within all change is great character. We are always on our way. As I trust the process always, I break into this new season of bloom walking with the same heart that will never stop loving, the same soul that will never stop expressing. Except older, bigger, stronger.

I’ve been content with my present giving the time ahead a feeling of home. An understanding that vulnerability can be one of the most beautiful strengths. A knowing that my love is enough and more. A worth that continues to walk through all wrong intentions. A guidance from people who know my heart.

“I was meant to be experienced differently. I am not a friend you have had before, I am not a lover you have loved before, I am me.” 

When you experience me you will be experiencing my full truth. I am here for it all. This time better than ever. Even when I don’t feel ready, I will be. Even when I am not fearless, I will be brave. Even when I do not understand, I will listen.

To those in my life, I wish to reflect the good that I see in you. The unique craft that I admire, I wish to enhance by speaking upon and complimenting all you have to offer. I wish to be the balance on a warm day, offering shade and a breeze to keep you cool.

I want those I love to feel big, free and open in their truth as I have grown to express mine. Take up space, I want you here. Even when I am content and quiet, you are made of great company. The experiences that have shaped you are valid and even when it seems hard, let’s join forces to make it easier.

My heart feels freely and beats not only for myself but for those around me. How I exchange my emotions, realness and energy with others, will result in life. My life is beautiful because I choose to see the breathtaking view. I hear the song because I listen to the music. I dance without care because I know what’s worth worry. I am surrounded by love because of the people that mirror what I give.

Gratitude within me overflows, blossoms and becomes an energy surrounding me.

Thank what you have – it’s meant to be yours.
Thank what is not reciprocated – there is purpose.
Thank what has passed – you are growing.
Thank what’s to come – trust in the process.

The beauty of this all is so perpetual. 

-Sadianne Joyce

“She writes things with her movements that I for the life of me could never write with a pen.” -Christopher Poindexter



Come morning I stretch my body in the length of my bed. The natural light is my motivation to rise. Another day. The warm water runs down my skin and I become ready in the present. Breathing alive. I don’t have to part my lips to explain my truths. I embody them.

We all embody something.

My proudest truth that I embody is all the admiration that lives within me. Throughout the day I find art – in movement, in silence and in noise. I soak in my environment and love cultural differences. I want to taste everything and appreciate the familiar or the uniqueness. I find myself dancing to all music and singing in languages I have yet to understand. I am a living sponge, absorbing all.

Judgement closes opportunity. Judgement can be a dangerous and false pathway. In order to find the truth in a setting, person or story – you must experience it for yourself. Dig to the roots, find the reason, listen to the noise. Most importantly, admire and wish to learn the unedited version. The raw version.

“People are just as wonderful as sunsets if you let them be. When I look at a sunset, I don’t find myself saying, “Soften the orange a bit on the right hand corner.” I don’t try to control a sunset. I watch with awe as it unfolds.” -Carl R. Rogers

The craft that something is made with is miraculous. Difference itself is an intense force. I feel for this. There is a certain truth I cannot get enough of… Honest depth, true emotion and genuine intention is the core of attraction.

Some people, places and emotions are so beautiful it’s hard to assign words. Do yourself a favor. Let all of it take your breath away.

Remember these moments. Seek them more. Be the truth you wish to find. Admire by closing your eyes or opening your eyes. Hold on tight and let it embody you. Let it all sink in. The amount of words you thought you needed to explain… the amount of change you thought you desired… the judgement you placed… it can all drop to a breathtaking zero.

-Sadianne Joyce