Tag: growth

My Testimony

 

close up colors landscape picture“The Lord is my Shepard – I lack nothing.

He makes me lie down in green pastures.

He leads me besides the still waters.

He restores my soul.

He leads me to paths of righteousness.”

He makes me. He leads me. He restores me.

There was no other way. Every day and especially come night, I had a relationship with God – he came in to protect me. When I think of my childhood I think of my Mother. She had an energy about her that gave me safety. Even when her environment was unsafe, my Mother didn’t allow fear to cross her. Gods protection reminded me of my Mom, but I knew with Gods protection that it wasn’t just me that was kept safe, it was both her and I, my sister, my Father, everyone surrounding me – which made my relationship with God a priority. It’s as if he came to me and I surrendered. I knew that all would be okay as long as I followed this feeling and trusted a higher form of care. As a kid our relationship felt like the greatest, private tale of all time, yet it was real. It was existing, sometimes a gut feeling – I didn’t know precisely what this love was, but I knew I would never move in the opposite direction. And it carried me all the way to the next chapters of my life. When I think of my life and the testimony that belongs to me, there is not a certain moment that was a defining moment. My testimony has lived within me since I came to understand the safety that followed after I allowed God to take care of my family and I. Prayer would blossom out of me. I wasn’t taken to church religiously, but my mind understood the beautiful, miraculous wonders that something much larger had to of been the Creator. I wasn’t religious in terms of following a set of rules but I had an undeniable, personal relationship that I embrace to this day. Spirituality is my movement. Everyone around me knew that my experiences were outside the ordinary for a child my age, I grew up fast. I had no other choice, the same way God came in and took care of my life. Our safety. He made me lay down, rest, and realize he was the only one who could restore all of the hurt, fight and confusion.

My mom received a phone call, I heard the detective on the other line tell her to turn around, they found him. “Where is he?” My Mother asked. The detective responded and told her he would speak to her in person. I pushed my head into the seat and prayed the hardest I’ve ever prayed in my life. In that moment I felt the presence of God surround my being. It was clarification, understanding and knowing that the feeling I’ve been feeling, came over my body in full. I was no longer having just a taste of what my relationship was, I became fulfilled. I prayed so hard I could barely breathe. It was my initial reaction, to speak to God. To let him know that I am here. I am with him. He let me know he was with me.

“Please. Let him be okay.” I whispered. I would soon find out that he was. He was no longer in pain. No longer addicted. No longer fighting control. As I prayed, I felt as if my Dad was taking my hair, tucking it behind my ear, rocking me back and forth, telling me, “I am okay. And you will be too. Your mom. Your sister. The days to come. The man who will fill in. I am not far, I am here with you. I hear you, not in the way I used to. But you are all knowing and you will never go a day without my attention.”

The rest of the night is a blur. It could have been the tears covering my eyes or the sound of the scream I heard from my Mom when the detective told her they found my father dead. I stayed in the car when she went in to have the conversation. Looking at my sister in her car seat I wondered how this could be. Tears fell from my face, my sister in my arms. This was now my battlefield. His hurt is gone and ours will worsen for some time. But because God is with me, I will never fail, the pain will not last, understanding will come over my heart, it will take years but it will come. I will never lose sight of the proof that we have a protective God. My fathers death was a grudge that I held for awhile. Sadness turned into anger and anger turned into anxiety.

I fought to forgive my Father for all he has missed and all he will miss out on, for the love I poured from my small being, feeling as if I could have done better… Wishing I would have done more… I forgave him. For making my Mother a warrior, not because she wanted to be but because she had to be, she was a survivor while sometimes feeling like she was losing. I forgave him for leaving. He left me with the most powerful lesson. He didn’t leave me empty handed and I often wonder if he as well, had a relation with God that offered pure peace. It took me a long time to realize this. He introduced the purest, most powerful love. And this is where my strength comes from, the relationship I had with God as a young age. It wasn’t because of the experiences I went through but because of the faith my small being had. Sometimes we go through ultimate darkness so we are made to kneel down, to have one choice but to give ourselves to the one who holds reason and I made the choice to do so. Even when it didn’t make sense, it does now. And I understand that I have been encountering God in special ways ever since.

With arms wide open and a broken heart, anger in my soul, misunderstanding when happiness was present, unknowingly defending all pain, carefully taking myself out of joyful situations because it felt too good to be true, I remembered that this is not what God would want for me. And most certainly not my Father, who wished with his entire being – to give me the very best. I not only forgave my Dad. I forgave myself and let the weights drift from my shoulders. I let go and let God in, again, again and again. And each time I would find that same feeling of guidance, fulfillment, a sense that I was being waited for. Restoration occurred and I am now the woman I am today because of the witness I grew up to be. There is no other way, there is no other choice, God is the center of my life, and the reason as to why the gospel I take in is so moving.

I pray that those who have their own testimony share their voice with others. I pray that those receiving, dance to the gospel.

I pray that those who have not had the opportunity to experience such a relationship, open their hearts and realize the rest will follow.

Trust in this.

The rest will follow.

-Sadianne Joyce

“It takes courage to give voice to what we experience, the way a coyote howls: not just out of hunger, but out of visceral joy at being a part of the infinite secret revealed. In this way, we’re angels wrapped in skin and fur, racing through thicket after thicket because we sense what can’t be seen all around us.” -M. Nepo

Pure Existence

When I dig down to my roots I find a girl with expression in her eyes. Story that hurts. Small moments that take place in deep memory because then, it meant more than I ever thought it would. Memories that swing in the breeze, like a careless child – innocent for just a few moments until the swing comes to a stop. Waiting patiently for someone to launch me to the sky again so that a few short moments feel whimsical. My stomach drops. My stomach aches from joy. My stomach becomes nauseated watching everything around me spin.

I’ve grown since the last time my body was launched to the sky, my hair falling back in a loose mess. I’ve grown but my roots still take me to this place. The highs and the lows. The force and the stop.

I was in a safe place, yet my hands still gripped the rope. I’d look down as if there were sharks jumping at my feet. I’d look up as if the branch would snap. I looked ahead and knew this was the feeling of pure existence. This is what it means to be alive.

Back and forth. In circles. Sometimes a twist. Although movement was everywhere, the safest place to be was riding the breeze. If I stayed put I knew I’d be able to find joy in the unknown. The imagination. Even the worry and doubt.

For a moment, when I really tried to focus, I could. I’d see someone ahead of me – the person pushing me. Everything else besides them was a blur. Focus was available even when everything else was full speed.

Dear God – Thank you for showing up. For aligning me into the perfect position to seek you. When everything around me feels rapid, too fast or even too slow… When the world seems out of control – I come back to this place. I remind myself of my roots. The girl staring at you reflects everything you created, placed with experiences to help her get to this place now. The highs to enjoy and the lows to focus on possibility. Restoration. To trust that all structure you build is strong enough to hold. That any direction I go, a crash will not succeed. All the emotions I once felt and all the moments of pure existence held reason. I am stronger. Braver. Trusting. There is challenge and there is reward. There is love and there is loss. God – may I never forget to seek you in moments of need. May I never forget to let my hair down. May I always come to focus on the one thing that stays constant while everything else continues to move.

Existence can be gut wrenchingly beautiful. But you already know that.

Amen.

-Sadianne Joyce

Blooming Heart

To compare faith I imagine it as a sunrise. A calming, in awe moment that I choose each morning when I wake. There is no work that needs to be done when experiencing something that our heart and soul indulges in, this is what I love most. The ease and acceptance in watching something unfold in elegance. I step out and choose to believe in what rises and I accept the truth in what does not.

I’ve experienced people around me in despair because of impatience, lack of result, doubt, anxiety and the simple fact of not knowing how to walk in faith.

Patience is a virtue. Virtue is defined by nobleness of spirit, honesty and purity. Patience is one of the hardest struggles we face, we want and we want now. Imagine that we live a life while creation is happening behind the scenes, something so intangible we have yet to understand. This is how I imagine patience. A process happening and the stillness before the action of soon aligning.

“When you plant seeds in the garden, you don’t dig them up everyday to see if they have sprouted yet. You simply water them and clear away the weeds – you know that the seeds will grow in time. Similarly, just do your daily practice and cultivate a kind heart. Abandon impatience and instead be content creating the causes for goodness; the results will come when they’re ready.” Bhikshuni Chodron

Results are not always immediate. Often times we become frustrated because all of our physical work and determined actions still have us at a distance of what we’re working towards. All the sweat and tears… yet we’re still waiting. Why is this happening? The reasons could be endless. Whether we are working towards something that does not yet have purpose or what we’re working towards isn’t ready for us… We often become comfortable with pain and unsatisfying results that we forget to be vulnerable. There is divine purpose that I believe in that causes people to stress when it could be transformed to overall peace. Trust in this.

Transformation is not always a jaw dropping experience, a surprise or gasp for air. Sometimes transformation happens slowly and sometimes it happens right before our eyes. We can be working on something for so long we forget our reason. We can be taken for a whirlwind and think that everything we thought we wanted is exactly opposite of what we’re presented with. Maybe it will be greater than what we imagined.

There does not need to be doubt in something we have little control over. It is inevitable that we make choices, this is how we survive – but understand that faith alone is promising you overall guidance, growth and destination. Doubting this will make you feel alone, but you are not and you will never be.

Regardless of the time it takes, you will get where you are meant to travel. You will be who you are called to be. As long as you focus on the small transformations and God given joys you will be at peace. There will come a time that you will find you are no longer tense, worried or distraught.

Always have the courage to keep going and when it seems harder than usual, communicate. You will ask God to come into your life. You will live in faith and through trust. You will realize that all the hard work isn’t hard at all. You will not be the one working – Trust in this process. Allow time by understanding you are dealing with a craftsman. There are fine details that need focus and attention – but understand you can relax because God is good. God is working. God is here.

Opening my heart has been one of the most beautiful processes I’ve ever gone through. I am softer than I’ve ever been. I move like wind, becoming light and approachable. I am a river flowing around obstacles, continuing on my way in grace. Not one thing can stop me. I have been planted and I will grow. In the unknowing and the unseen I will trust that I am on my way to blooming. There is no need for worry. Today is the day.

The sunset reminds me of trust. That although the day has come to an end, another beginning is near by. We lay our head and close our eyes knowing that the promise of another day is one sleep away. The next morning the sunrise deserves to be trusted. The day has arrived and so will you. Again and again, dear God I am with you.

-Sadianne Joyce

Growing and Glowing

Something within me is blossoming. Something within me is bursting. An ignition of fire, blazing and setting me apart from the dark cold of the world. I feel like an existing balance of calm and wild forestry. A temperature rising, a hissing of what is calling me by the name. I must continue to gather all these elements that keep me burning. Growing. Glowing.

It begins with a source of fuel.

Deep within our heart and soul, a source of fuel waits fearlessly. Ready to ignite in a powerful light of everything that remains within us. Let it catch fire. You will find people unable to look away, unable to deny the warmth of what is offered.

Share your light. By sharing your light you are allowing your truth to shine. Courage is given to others that also wish to share their own.

Live fearlessly. Be felt in places you know you are desired.

Show what you are capable of.

Express what you feel. Let it soar and sizzle.

Your warmth is a gift as much as it is a power. Feel unafraid to rise in passion and you will be rewarded with sparks. Something that is created from chaos, can float away like a dream… dancing in the wind…

Your glow will be undeniable. Embers will remain to remind you of your luminosity. Warmth remains as you are reminded who gathers around you to feel your heat. What comes back for more? Who craves the sensation and light you offer? Continue to shine, even when questions go unanswered. Naturally you will attract what is meant to feel your intensity.

After you burn. After you share. After you express. After you glow. You must look up. In a breeze you will find the foundation of what will never be forgotten. Ash.

-Sadianne Joyce