Tag: happiness

My Testimony

 

close up colors landscape picture“The Lord is my Shepard – I lack nothing.

He makes me lie down in green pastures.

He leads me besides the still waters.

He restores my soul.

He leads me to paths of righteousness.”

He makes me. He leads me. He restores me.

There was no other way. Every day and especially come night, I had a relationship with God – he came in to protect me. When I think of my childhood I think of my Mother. She had an energy about her that gave me safety. Even when her environment was unsafe, my Mother didn’t allow fear to cross her. Gods protection reminded me of my Mom, but I knew with Gods protection that it wasn’t just me that was kept safe, it was both her and I, my sister, my Father, everyone surrounding me – which made my relationship with God a priority. It’s as if he came to me and I surrendered. I knew that all would be okay as long as I followed this feeling and trusted a higher form of care. As a kid our relationship felt like the greatest, private tale of all time, yet it was real. It was existing, sometimes a gut feeling – I didn’t know precisely what this love was, but I knew I would never move in the opposite direction. And it carried me all the way to the next chapters of my life. When I think of my life and the testimony that belongs to me, there is not a certain moment that was a defining moment. My testimony has lived within me since I came to understand the safety that followed after I allowed God to take care of my family and I. Prayer would blossom out of me. I wasn’t taken to church religiously, but my mind understood the beautiful, miraculous wonders that something much larger had to of been the Creator. I wasn’t religious in terms of following a set of rules but I had an undeniable, personal relationship that I embrace to this day. Spirituality is my movement. Everyone around me knew that my experiences were outside the ordinary for a child my age, I grew up fast. I had no other choice, the same way God came in and took care of my life. Our safety. He made me lay down, rest, and realize he was the only one who could restore all of the hurt, fight and confusion.

My mom received a phone call, I heard the detective on the other line tell her to turn around, they found him. “Where is he?” My Mother asked. The detective responded and told her he would speak to her in person. I pushed my head into the seat and prayed the hardest I’ve ever prayed in my life. In that moment I felt the presence of God surround my being. It was clarification, understanding and knowing that the feeling I’ve been feeling, came over my body in full. I was no longer having just a taste of what my relationship was, I became fulfilled. I prayed so hard I could barely breathe. It was my initial reaction, to speak to God. To let him know that I am here. I am with him. He let me know he was with me.

“Please. Let him be okay.” I whispered. I would soon find out that he was. He was no longer in pain. No longer addicted. No longer fighting control. As I prayed, I felt as if my Dad was taking my hair, tucking it behind my ear, rocking me back and forth, telling me, “I am okay. And you will be too. Your mom. Your sister. The days to come. The man who will fill in. I am not far, I am here with you. I hear you, not in the way I used to. But you are all knowing and you will never go a day without my attention.”

The rest of the night is a blur. It could have been the tears covering my eyes or the sound of the scream I heard from my Mom when the detective told her they found my father dead. I stayed in the car when she went in to have the conversation. Looking at my sister in her car seat I wondered how this could be. Tears fell from my face, my sister in my arms. This was now my battlefield. His hurt is gone and ours will worsen for some time. But because God is with me, I will never fail, the pain will not last, understanding will come over my heart, it will take years but it will come. I will never lose sight of the proof that we have a protective God. My fathers death was a grudge that I held for awhile. Sadness turned into anger and anger turned into anxiety.

I fought to forgive my Father for all he has missed and all he will miss out on, for the love I poured from my small being, feeling as if I could have done better… Wishing I would have done more… I forgave him. For making my Mother a warrior, not because she wanted to be but because she had to be, she was a survivor while sometimes feeling like she was losing. I forgave him for leaving. He left me with the most powerful lesson. He didn’t leave me empty handed and I often wonder if he as well, had a relation with God that offered pure peace. It took me a long time to realize this. He introduced the purest, most powerful love. And this is where my strength comes from, the relationship I had with God as a young age. It wasn’t because of the experiences I went through but because of the faith my small being had. Sometimes we go through ultimate darkness so we are made to kneel down, to have one choice but to give ourselves to the one who holds reason and I made the choice to do so. Even when it didn’t make sense, it does now. And I understand that I have been encountering God in special ways ever since.

With arms wide open and a broken heart, anger in my soul, misunderstanding when happiness was present, unknowingly defending all pain, carefully taking myself out of joyful situations because it felt too good to be true, I remembered that this is not what God would want for me. And most certainly not my Father, who wished with his entire being – to give me the very best. I not only forgave my Dad. I forgave myself and let the weights drift from my shoulders. I let go and let God in, again, again and again. And each time I would find that same feeling of guidance, fulfillment, a sense that I was being waited for. Restoration occurred and I am now the woman I am today because of the witness I grew up to be. There is no other way, there is no other choice, God is the center of my life, and the reason as to why the gospel I take in is so moving.

I pray that those who have their own testimony share their voice with others. I pray that those receiving, dance to the gospel.

I pray that those who have not had the opportunity to experience such a relationship, open their hearts and realize the rest will follow.

Trust in this.

The rest will follow.

-Sadianne Joyce

“It takes courage to give voice to what we experience, the way a coyote howls: not just out of hunger, but out of visceral joy at being a part of the infinite secret revealed. In this way, we’re angels wrapped in skin and fur, racing through thicket after thicket because we sense what can’t be seen all around us.” -M. Nepo

The Temple Within

“The place you are looking for is the place from which you are looking.”

These words feel so fitting, so accurate and relevant. April, you’re here already? Where has my mind been? Searching for places of refuge, a place the unknown can rest. I’ll speak for myself when I say this pandemic has been eye opening. Showing me how it feels to live in a moment that is making history. Stories of improvement and stories of loss are published daily and we as a whole have yet to understand when it will all end. Aren’t we all looking for a place filled with health, compassion, sanity?

Within all chaos hides resting places. Shelters and temples. If we cannot find, we must remember one thing. We were created to be capable. Our capability is to fulfill all of our needs within when we are aligned with God. Even when we are sick, the Lord will comfort. Faith will seep through the cracks of discomfort and mend where we need it most. Fear vanishes when we trust that purpose lives.

Philippians 4:7 And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Romans 8:18 For I reckon that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us.

Through all mystery and unexplained circumstances I believe in purpose. Through destruction and misfortune I believe that we are given the chance to share emotion that helps mend each other in knowing we are in this together. When gathering is taken away we realize the importance of offering. When materialism is taken away we focus on the beauty of nature, or where we should be tending to it more often. When physical and emotional connection becomes limited we value comfort and the importance of other spirits. When we are isolated we see our true reflection, this time allows us to create anew. An opportunity to focus has been handed to us and it’s our choice to make it count. An opportunity to be thankful for what we do have has arrived.

Journal Entries: How can I dig deep within myself to create a resting place anywhere I am? What thoughts reassure me? Write them down. What have I taken for granted? What activities make me feel whole? Where can I express my thoughts and emotions out loud, to release, to cry, to feel heard? Am I thanking God for what I do have and praying for those who need restored faith? Write your prayers. Write a letter to God. Write a list why your peace and world peace is a priority.

Psalm 23 The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing. He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he refreshes my soul. He guides me along the right paths for his name’s sake. Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me.

-Sadianne Joyce

Watch me as I go

Take a moment to remember where you come from. What you have seen. The experiences you’ve gone through alone and with others. After remembering, I like to let go. I can’t let go completely – the miles I have traveled brought me to the person I am today. Some moments are so monumental that I can never forget. But the miles I have traveled are not meant to keep me consumed. They are meant to take me places. Places that have been waiting for me. And I, traveling to them.

The sky pink. I wanted to reach out and wear it. Knowing the tone would compliment my cheeks that blush so easily. The crescent moon soon, so shyly and innocently will let my silver jewelry catch light to shine. Etta James on the radio escaping out of the windows I prefer down in words of “A Sunday Kind of Love”
My hands grasping the steering wheel, lightly. The soft atmosphere accompanied my long drive. The length of time my tires were on the road wasn’t discriminated and I was at ease.
My movement spoke in the way of a child on a summer day “Catch me if you can.” and like the woman deserving of love and love only, on this day “Watch me as I go.”

To beautiful heights and freedom brushing my hair. If I am alone please don’t mistake me as lonely. A life given of breathtaking wonder, I stand tall and in charge of my worth. Paving a path where no trail has ever been. I walk in understanding validation cannot come from outside sources. I find it from within, the fulfillment that I seek. There is nurturing that I must complete and acceptance I must give. There is beauty to be seen and admiration to be felt. I have this power to extend my heart because I am whole, I am one and I have everything I need.

Dig if you must, get your hands dirty to refine and define. Be your own muse and your own greatest company. Celebrate those who have bravery in their souls to allow space in being exactly what their heart desires. Become inspired by the personal style and story others carry. Let it be your pleasure by giving yourself the same amount of freedom. Self acceptance is self love. Never hide all that you discover. Let it float to surface and embrace it in confidence.

Love yourself until your heart is overflowing. There is no capacity. Your heart will overflow and I wish that you let it. Allow yourself to overflow in worthiness, you will be felt by those around you. They will be able to indulge in what you have to offer without making you any less of who you are.

Be consumed for who you are. Step out and know that the path is yours. You decide what is on the sidelines, you decide your pace, you decide how beautiful you perceive the sight to be. Any door you enter will be presented with purpose and authenticity. Stand in love. Sway with the wind. Be wild with your truth and never apologize for the freedom you speak.

Let me admire. Let me inspire. I will do so anyway. My distinctive aura and my exclusive love invites you in. The true you. The real you. The unedited and one of a kind you.

-Sadianne Joyce

Nourishment in Imperfection

“Fill your bowl to the brim and it will spill. Keep sharpening your knife and it will blunt. Chase after money and serenity and your heart will never unclench. Care about peoples approval and you will be their prisoner.” Lao Tzu

Trying to reach perfection can steal time in admiring what already is. Acceptance isn’t an easy task and can often be hard to understand. Acceptance comes from a place deep within our hearts. It is respecting the fact that situations rarely go the way we imagine. There are aspects of ourselves that we wish were different. There are traits in others we would change if we could. Acceptance is finding flaws to pamper with love by whispering “It’s okay.”

Personally, imperfection inspires me. I love the truth behind being nervous before saying something I truly mean. The absence of practice before performing a task. Feeling creative and free enough to design without a template. Dancing without hearing any music. Feeling without regret. This is what makes life beautiful, all the risk and freedom we give ourselves when we allow ourselves to be. Being inspired by all I cannot change brings me closer to my relationship with God – I have a sense of belonging when I walk in authenticity. I find beauty in the unknown when I step forward in faith. If we were meant to be perfect, we would be. Be confident in all your perks – rare emotions – stories that bring others closer to laughter than seriousness – the feel-good days AND the days you wish to stay in – feeling deeply on a topic when others glance over – stay unapologetic and never feel the need to shrink yourself smaller to fit into the comfort of someone else. Believe that you are enough even when others put expectation and weight on being more than what you can give.

When I was away at school there was a moment of admiration when I learned about Kintsukuroi. Kintsukuroi stayed with me throughout the years as a reminder that flaws are an art form. In Japan they began filling broken pottery with gold. When a piece was broken they didn’t see it as an outcome of failure, they saw it as an opportunity to create something even more beautiful than it was before the hardship.

Movement of making something more beautiful and accepted after being flawed is a way of life. Never feel that you have fallen short after being your true self. You are capable of wide greatness in all that you are. Everything you need is within you and it is extraordinary. Developing and practicing this mindset allows you to admire the truth, love with kindness and understand that even when a situation doesn’t end in the way we thought it would, there is rooted purpose into higher creation. Imperfection does not ruin – it interests, enhances and speaks life into who we are and what we stand for.

Nourish the parts that shy away because they do not appear to be perfected. Like talents, our imperfections set us apart with the blessing in what defines our individual purpose.

-Sadianne Joyce

Normality is a paved road: It’s comfortable to walk, but no flowers grow -Vincent van Gogh

This life. Our life. Your life. My life.

Look around you. Do you like what you see? Are your surroundings making you feel alive? What is shaping you? What is continuing to feed you? What are you able to offer because of it? Are you proud to be surrounded by what you encounter?

It’s inevitable, one day we will no longer be here… But for now you will find that we take up space, exist in an environment and make choices the second we wake. Do we live each day embracing the fact that all of this could be taken away? Do we choose to think positive thoughts that gleam out of our faces like sun beams that others can bask in… do we listen to music that make our souls come alive and have no choice but to dance… do we look at people with admiration for their unique craft, without judgement and offer a smile that can change their day… Do we cry without regret as it is a reminder that we are alive and capable of emotions that will shift… Do we laugh without worry that someone else may hear even if we are alone… Do we express in fearlessness and without approval… Do we continue to love when we’ve been hurt… Every morning, afternoon and night there is beauty to find. The sun rises to give us another chance, the afternoon settles us into existence with support to keep going. The night leads us home with guiding stars that never ask for anything in return.

To me, life is about taking risks to receive the small rewards and the greatest luxuries by simply being alive. Feeling it all form into a masterpiece of existence. I’ve never focused all of my reward on a shiny gold metal or judgement by someone else who says “I approve” or “you made it” – but rather small and free moments that warm my heart in a way nothing materialistic or bought can.

Time is now. One of the many things I’ve learned in this life is that we have control over one thing, now. The only thing we have control over our past is the time it steals in our present. The only thing we have control over our future is the freedom we give it currently. There is a balance between risk and grace, once we let go and take a stand in the now… everything falls into place. Taking a step back can really be making a move forward.

By taking a step back right now… What do you notice? What do you feel? What would make it better? Who can you forgive? What no longer needs to be remembered? Who needs a prayer? Here and now breathe in the present knowing one day you wont have it. Continue forward on choosing what will enhance this life. Our life. Your life. My life. Wake with trust and faith – knowing that everyday is a miracle for us to be given a chance to feel. To love. To see. To hear. To make a change. To risk. To stay. To leave. To take a stand.

-Sadianne Joyce