Tag: loss

My Testimony

 

close up colors landscape picture“The Lord is my Shepard – I lack nothing.

He makes me lie down in green pastures.

He leads me besides the still waters.

He restores my soul.

He leads me to paths of righteousness.”

He makes me. He leads me. He restores me.

There was no other way. Every day and especially come night, I had a relationship with God – he came in to protect me. When I think of my childhood I think of my Mother. She had an energy about her that gave me safety. Even when her environment was unsafe, my Mother didn’t allow fear to cross her. Gods protection reminded me of my Mom, but I knew with Gods protection that it wasn’t just me that was kept safe, it was both her and I, my sister, my Father, everyone surrounding me – which made my relationship with God a priority. It’s as if he came to me and I surrendered. I knew that all would be okay as long as I followed this feeling and trusted a higher form of care. As a kid our relationship felt like the greatest, private tale of all time, yet it was real. It was existing, sometimes a gut feeling – I didn’t know precisely what this love was, but I knew I would never move in the opposite direction. And it carried me all the way to the next chapters of my life. When I think of my life and the testimony that belongs to me, there is not a certain moment that was a defining moment. My testimony has lived within me since I came to understand the safety that followed after I allowed God to take care of my family and I. Prayer would blossom out of me. I wasn’t taken to church religiously, but my mind understood the beautiful, miraculous wonders that something much larger had to of been the Creator. I wasn’t religious in terms of following a set of rules but I had an undeniable, personal relationship that I embrace to this day. Spirituality is my movement. Everyone around me knew that my experiences were outside the ordinary for a child my age, I grew up fast. I had no other choice, the same way God came in and took care of my life. Our safety. He made me lay down, rest, and realize he was the only one who could restore all of the hurt, fight and confusion.

My mom received a phone call, I heard the detective on the other line tell her to turn around, they found him. “Where is he?” My Mother asked. The detective responded and told her he would speak to her in person. I pushed my head into the seat and prayed the hardest I’ve ever prayed in my life. In that moment I felt the presence of God surround my being. It was clarification, understanding and knowing that the feeling I’ve been feeling, came over my body in full. I was no longer having just a taste of what my relationship was, I became fulfilled. I prayed so hard I could barely breathe. It was my initial reaction, to speak to God. To let him know that I am here. I am with him. He let me know he was with me.

“Please. Let him be okay.” I whispered. I would soon find out that he was. He was no longer in pain. No longer addicted. No longer fighting control. As I prayed, I felt as if my Dad was taking my hair, tucking it behind my ear, rocking me back and forth, telling me, “I am okay. And you will be too. Your mom. Your sister. The days to come. The man who will fill in. I am not far, I am here with you. I hear you, not in the way I used to. But you are all knowing and you will never go a day without my attention.”

The rest of the night is a blur. It could have been the tears covering my eyes or the sound of the scream I heard from my Mom when the detective told her they found my father dead. I stayed in the car when she went in to have the conversation. Looking at my sister in her car seat I wondered how this could be. Tears fell from my face, my sister in my arms. This was now my battlefield. His hurt is gone and ours will worsen for some time. But because God is with me, I will never fail, the pain will not last, understanding will come over my heart, it will take years but it will come. I will never lose sight of the proof that we have a protective God. My fathers death was a grudge that I held for awhile. Sadness turned into anger and anger turned into anxiety.

I fought to forgive my Father for all he has missed and all he will miss out on, for the love I poured from my small being, feeling as if I could have done better… Wishing I would have done more… I forgave him. For making my Mother a warrior, not because she wanted to be but because she had to be, she was a survivor while sometimes feeling like she was losing. I forgave him for leaving. He left me with the most powerful lesson. He didn’t leave me empty handed and I often wonder if he as well, had a relation with God that offered pure peace. It took me a long time to realize this. He introduced the purest, most powerful love. And this is where my strength comes from, the relationship I had with God as a young age. It wasn’t because of the experiences I went through but because of the faith my small being had. Sometimes we go through ultimate darkness so we are made to kneel down, to have one choice but to give ourselves to the one who holds reason and I made the choice to do so. Even when it didn’t make sense, it does now. And I understand that I have been encountering God in special ways ever since.

With arms wide open and a broken heart, anger in my soul, misunderstanding when happiness was present, unknowingly defending all pain, carefully taking myself out of joyful situations because it felt too good to be true, I remembered that this is not what God would want for me. And most certainly not my Father, who wished with his entire being – to give me the very best. I not only forgave my Dad. I forgave myself and let the weights drift from my shoulders. I let go and let God in, again, again and again. And each time I would find that same feeling of guidance, fulfillment, a sense that I was being waited for. Restoration occurred and I am now the woman I am today because of the witness I grew up to be. There is no other way, there is no other choice, God is the center of my life, and the reason as to why the gospel I take in is so moving.

I pray that those who have their own testimony share their voice with others. I pray that those receiving, dance to the gospel.

I pray that those who have not had the opportunity to experience such a relationship, open their hearts and realize the rest will follow.

Trust in this.

The rest will follow.

-Sadianne Joyce

“It takes courage to give voice to what we experience, the way a coyote howls: not just out of hunger, but out of visceral joy at being a part of the infinite secret revealed. In this way, we’re angels wrapped in skin and fur, racing through thicket after thicket because we sense what can’t be seen all around us.” -M. Nepo

Thicker Skin and a Softer Heart

The air of October has always found a home against my spine – riding through my body and settling in places warmth fights to find. I value this feeling as it reminds me of what being alive is – to feel. To shiver. To fight. To seek comfort. To conquer.

On this day October 14th, my father was born. Happy Birthday to the man who taught me what forgiveness means, who taught me fight, who helped me understand that not all questions can be answered but faith will live on as long as we wear it like armor. Rest in peace to the man who deserved the rest, freedom, the answers to what I’ve accepted will never make sense. October will always speak to me like a long lost friend – or a long lost enemy, I’m not sure which feels more fitting. This month holds a memorable place in my heart. The same heart that has softened throughout the years, the heart that is guarded by skin that has become thick and capable of anything, with or without fear.

One of our greatest strengths is courage to seek beauty even when life doesn’t represent the miraculous creation that it is. Many will wake to days where this seems impossible, many will continue to rise and try again, without knowing why. Some will give up and some will succeed. There are no promises of what will happen next, what the day will bring, who will be here and who will be gone. These thoughts used to scare me. They used to shift me into anxiousness, until I realized that through fear, grit, fight and tears I will always be ready. I will fight for those who didn’t know how. I will listen to those who feel unheard. I will reach my hand to those falling and I’ll get on the ground to be a ladder into higher perspective. I’ll do all of this by simply existing in each day to my fullest potential, remembering where I came from and who I am today.

I’ve become balanced, understanding and reminiscing right from wrong. I’ve come to solid ground, standing here – tall and demanding of standards that will continue to rise. Expectations to gather in healthy relationships, environments and expression. I will never be without this, I have a promise to keep.

In just a few days, October 17th will mark the day my father passed away. The day that has brought me to these thoughts today. The day that has shaped me. The day he gave up and the day I stood up.

I’ve learned and will continue to cherish the fight we all have within us. The value that keeps us defined and the worth of what we allow in our lives. I will embrace everything that has happened to me and all that’s to come. To being capable of feeling. To being capable of loving. To being capable of seeing a future yet embracing the present with grateful presence. To celebrations, whether small or large. To the appreciation of free joys that make life priceless. To intentional movement. To growth. To honesty. To God. To loss. To gain. To excelling. To being supported. To my guardians. To my being.

My existence that was created by my Mother and my Father. By fierce passion and burning desire – all stories come to an end but a new beginning is always around the corner.

-Sadianne Joyce

And Maybe Even Stay…

“I’ve learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision. I’ve learned that even when I have pains, I don’t have to be one. I’ve learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back. I’ve learned that I still have a lot to learn. I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” Maya Angelou

We all go through phases where our heart wants to stay in. We want to shy away from real emotion because it’s easier. Less effort means less work, zero expectations means zero disappointment. I’m working on this – I’m working on sharing my heart in every day that I have. In personal experience, I’ve gone through hurt – heartbreak – pain. Darkness is not a focus for me, so I tend to focus on all the blooming I’ve done after finding the light. I have not always been positive, in love with life, or forgiving. But after finding my way, which we all do differently – I have become one with the pain that I’ve experienced in my path. I have become one with the loss and the aches that have brought me to who I am today. It doesn’t happen over night and that was a struggle for me as well. But I found faith, I found myself through being vulnerable, by opening my heart in understanding I don’t need to have it all figured out. Time heals, and that it did.

I’ve realized that hurt can only come from a place of hiding, making myself smaller, picking and choosing what I wish to define me. I’ve come to the conclusion that I cannot pick and choose what happens to me, this is the beauty of life – but I can choose how it shapes me. I believe that if we all showed up in the armor that has brought us through the battles we’ve gotten through – or maybe still going through, we wouldn’t be so afraid. We would understand in mutual sympathy. We could tolerate and respect each other for the reason behind our challenges. We could support and cheer with those in need.

Strength has nothing to do with the tears kept in, with the straight face given when emotions run through the bloodstream. Strength is allowing yourself to be who you are and being unafraid to show up in truth.

I’ve always fought my battles silently, feeling ashamed if my life wasn’t what I wanted it to look like – but all of that changed.

I’ve no longer felt afraid to express myself, I’ve no longer felt the need to shy away from being loud in my truth, being able to ask the difficult questions, to connect with others because I am brave enough to show that life is not always pretty, nor is it meant to be. This has allowed me to become one with everything that has happened to me and more than ever, ready for what is to come. My heart has grown, real intentions by real people have brought me to safe places of love. If I receive true intentions and gentle care after I show not only my good side, but all the others, I know that I have found the ones. The people, places, homes that are meant to walk in and maybe even stay, within my open heart.

-Sadianne Joyce

Joining Forces

Within all change is great character. We are always on our way. As I trust the process always, I break into this new season of bloom walking with the same heart that will never stop loving, the same soul that will never stop expressing. Except older, bigger, stronger.

I’ve been content with my present giving the time ahead a feeling of home. An understanding that vulnerability can be one of the most beautiful strengths. A knowing that my love is enough and more. A worth that continues to walk through all wrong intentions. A guidance from people who know my heart.

“I was meant to be experienced differently. I am not a friend you have had before, I am not a lover you have loved before, I am me.” 

When you experience me you will be experiencing my full truth. I am here for it all. This time better than ever. Even when I don’t feel ready, I will be. Even when I am not fearless, I will be brave. Even when I do not understand, I will listen.

To those in my life, I wish to reflect the good that I see in you. The unique craft that I admire, I wish to enhance by speaking upon and complimenting all you have to offer. I wish to be the balance on a warm day, offering shade and a breeze to keep you cool.

I want those I love to feel big, free and open in their truth as I have grown to express mine. Take up space, I want you here. Even when I am content and quiet, you are made of great company. The experiences that have shaped you are valid and even when it seems hard, let’s join forces to make it easier.

My heart feels freely and beats not only for myself but for those around me. How I exchange my emotions, realness and energy with others, will result in life. My life is beautiful because I choose to see the breathtaking view. I hear the song because I listen to the music. I dance without care because I know what’s worth worry. I am surrounded by love because of the people that mirror what I give.

Gratitude within me overflows, blossoms and becomes an energy surrounding me.

Thank what you have – it’s meant to be yours.
Thank what is not reciprocated – there is purpose.
Thank what has passed – you are growing.
Thank what’s to come – trust in the process.

The beauty of this all is so perpetual. 

-Sadianne Joyce

Poetic Prose

“Give me a museum and I will fill it.” Pablo Picasso

Someone once asked me, what does art mean to you? A forever changing answer, a forever inspiring response.

To put in words… I would say… Speaking emotion, feeling emotion. Forgiving and apologizing. Being so real that after I release not only words but energy, I feel naked. It’s change in comfort. The way people look back after walking away. It’s treasures we keep, the gold and the silver. It’s saying what you want to say and feeling like truth. It’s the magic part of life that gives us answers, even when we don’t go looking. The ah-ha moments. The intuitive messages. It’s connecting with the ones like myself, the ones who carry the same mystery in discreet fact. I call it the art of just knowing.

If you were to feel me in the way I feel for you, the depths under surface level would be exposed. I can take someone, some thing in with my eyes diving deep inside. Seamlessly like hands at your sides. Art is forgetting the calm and indulging in a storm. The thunder is heard and lightning is born. The sound of souls that glide, this is when night comes alive – I’ll take you there. I’ll show you here. It’s poetic prose and unheard lyrics. I can switch gears and turn something to music.

A craft so unique a heart craves to eat. I can shape you, form you, I see you in a God’s view. Art is energy that’s contagious, a love that’s courageous, opposite of tasteless.

A burning passion to what calls my name. Perfection in aim. Undeniable attraction, I’ll present you creation Picasso couldn’t imagine.

-Sadianne Joyce