Tag: present

My Testimony

 

close up colors landscape picture“The Lord is my Shepard – I lack nothing.

He makes me lie down in green pastures.

He leads me besides the still waters.

He restores my soul.

He leads me to paths of righteousness.”

He makes me. He leads me. He restores me.

There was no other way. Every day and especially come night, I had a relationship with God – he came in to protect me. When I think of my childhood I think of my Mother. She had an energy about her that gave me safety. Even when her environment was unsafe, my Mother didn’t allow fear to cross her. Gods protection reminded me of my Mom, but I knew with Gods protection that it wasn’t just me that was kept safe, it was both her and I, my sister, my Father, everyone surrounding me – which made my relationship with God a priority. It’s as if he came to me and I surrendered. I knew that all would be okay as long as I followed this feeling and trusted a higher form of care. As a kid our relationship felt like the greatest, private tale of all time, yet it was real. It was existing, sometimes a gut feeling – I didn’t know precisely what this love was, but I knew I would never move in the opposite direction. And it carried me all the way to the next chapters of my life. When I think of my life and the testimony that belongs to me, there is not a certain moment that was a defining moment. My testimony has lived within me since I came to understand the safety that followed after I allowed God to take care of my family and I. Prayer would blossom out of me. I wasn’t taken to church religiously, but my mind understood the beautiful, miraculous wonders that something much larger had to of been the Creator. I wasn’t religious in terms of following a set of rules but I had an undeniable, personal relationship that I embrace to this day. Spirituality is my movement. Everyone around me knew that my experiences were outside the ordinary for a child my age, I grew up fast. I had no other choice, the same way God came in and took care of my life. Our safety. He made me lay down, rest, and realize he was the only one who could restore all of the hurt, fight and confusion.

My mom received a phone call, I heard the detective on the other line tell her to turn around, they found him. “Where is he?” My Mother asked. The detective responded and told her he would speak to her in person. I pushed my head into the seat and prayed the hardest I’ve ever prayed in my life. In that moment I felt the presence of God surround my being. It was clarification, understanding and knowing that the feeling I’ve been feeling, came over my body in full. I was no longer having just a taste of what my relationship was, I became fulfilled. I prayed so hard I could barely breathe. It was my initial reaction, to speak to God. To let him know that I am here. I am with him. He let me know he was with me.

“Please. Let him be okay.” I whispered. I would soon find out that he was. He was no longer in pain. No longer addicted. No longer fighting control. As I prayed, I felt as if my Dad was taking my hair, tucking it behind my ear, rocking me back and forth, telling me, “I am okay. And you will be too. Your mom. Your sister. The days to come. The man who will fill in. I am not far, I am here with you. I hear you, not in the way I used to. But you are all knowing and you will never go a day without my attention.”

The rest of the night is a blur. It could have been the tears covering my eyes or the sound of the scream I heard from my Mom when the detective told her they found my father dead. I stayed in the car when she went in to have the conversation. Looking at my sister in her car seat I wondered how this could be. Tears fell from my face, my sister in my arms. This was now my battlefield. His hurt is gone and ours will worsen for some time. But because God is with me, I will never fail, the pain will not last, understanding will come over my heart, it will take years but it will come. I will never lose sight of the proof that we have a protective God. My fathers death was a grudge that I held for awhile. Sadness turned into anger and anger turned into anxiety.

I fought to forgive my Father for all he has missed and all he will miss out on, for the love I poured from my small being, feeling as if I could have done better… Wishing I would have done more… I forgave him. For making my Mother a warrior, not because she wanted to be but because she had to be, she was a survivor while sometimes feeling like she was losing. I forgave him for leaving. He left me with the most powerful lesson. He didn’t leave me empty handed and I often wonder if he as well, had a relation with God that offered pure peace. It took me a long time to realize this. He introduced the purest, most powerful love. And this is where my strength comes from, the relationship I had with God as a young age. It wasn’t because of the experiences I went through but because of the faith my small being had. Sometimes we go through ultimate darkness so we are made to kneel down, to have one choice but to give ourselves to the one who holds reason and I made the choice to do so. Even when it didn’t make sense, it does now. And I understand that I have been encountering God in special ways ever since.

With arms wide open and a broken heart, anger in my soul, misunderstanding when happiness was present, unknowingly defending all pain, carefully taking myself out of joyful situations because it felt too good to be true, I remembered that this is not what God would want for me. And most certainly not my Father, who wished with his entire being – to give me the very best. I not only forgave my Dad. I forgave myself and let the weights drift from my shoulders. I let go and let God in, again, again and again. And each time I would find that same feeling of guidance, fulfillment, a sense that I was being waited for. Restoration occurred and I am now the woman I am today because of the witness I grew up to be. There is no other way, there is no other choice, God is the center of my life, and the reason as to why the gospel I take in is so moving.

I pray that those who have their own testimony share their voice with others. I pray that those receiving, dance to the gospel.

I pray that those who have not had the opportunity to experience such a relationship, open their hearts and realize the rest will follow.

Trust in this.

The rest will follow.

-Sadianne Joyce

“It takes courage to give voice to what we experience, the way a coyote howls: not just out of hunger, but out of visceral joy at being a part of the infinite secret revealed. In this way, we’re angels wrapped in skin and fur, racing through thicket after thicket because we sense what can’t be seen all around us.” -M. Nepo

Building Tables Instead of Walls

If someone doesn’t relate to the amount of emotion I feel, I will not discredit them. My spirit will remain touched. My source of passion comes from a place of love, and I’ve always said my love is my strongest quality. I will always inform from a place of sincerity and I will always speak when it is beneficial to the quiet that lingers.

I often have to ease into my thoughts before becoming overwhelmed. Empathy, as wonderful as it is to have, no one warns you that it hurts. I once felt that my level of empathy was a problem, especially when I was feeling for scenarios and people that didn’t relate to me personally. I am realizing that this is not a personal problem, it’s a worldly problem and I’m feeling with reason. I feel because I am reacting and I am reacting to something very real. If I could, I’d take away my emotion by taking away the problems – But until the problems are gone, I will continue to feel. I wont be afraid to express and show why my body hurts for others or why my voice speaks for those who are too tired. I will listen although I may not understand. I’ve once been asked how I stay so positive, and it’s not that I never have bad days, or that I never feel down, because I do. Instead I do my best to focus on love over the hate. And sometimes love is taking the time to unravel why something escalates and explodes. Sometimes feeling hurts, but to feel is to heal.

I once read something written by Dr.Powell that comforted me and made me feel validation and connection to others that may relate. “When your body responds to it being cold by the hair standing up, or if you get that gut feeling that something isn’t quite right, your body does a very good job of telling you when something isn’t right. The feeling of anger, frustration, and rage that accompanies moments like this – it’s when we don’t feel it, when we’ve become so numb, habituated, or normalized to it, that’s when we know that there is a problem.”

I won’t build walls, I will build tables – and then I will ask all people, of all backgrounds, religion, genders and races to join me over existence in true communion. I wish to continue my walk into life as a safe place, a support system, a home for comfort and compassion.

Lord I pray, that throughout our living earth we see each other and feel each other as one. Ignite our hearts in places of expression, emotion and change. Let us come together in peace, but in strength. Let us understand that one wrong man doesn’t mirror every man. Let us speak for those who no longer can, let us change the world together and for the better by believing that we can. Let us exchange love and pass each other in love. Let us be reminded that through all things, you Lord, created us to be capable.

Amen.

When we factor the lives of each other, embrace our differences and our conditions of existence, we can stand as one.

We don’t have to fight each other.

We can fight together.

-Sadianne Joyce

This life. Our life. Your life. My life.

Look around you. Do you like what you see? Are your surroundings making you feel alive? What is shaping you? What is continuing to feed you? What are you able to offer because of it? Are you proud to be surrounded by what you encounter?

It’s inevitable, one day we will no longer be here… But for now you will find that we take up space, exist in an environment and make choices the second we wake. Do we live each day embracing the fact that all of this could be taken away? Do we choose to think positive thoughts that gleam out of our faces like sun beams that others can bask in… do we listen to music that make our souls come alive and have no choice but to dance… do we look at people with admiration for their unique craft, without judgement and offer a smile that can change their day… Do we cry without regret as it is a reminder that we are alive and capable of emotions that will shift… Do we laugh without worry that someone else may hear even if we are alone… Do we express in fearlessness and without approval… Do we continue to love when we’ve been hurt… Every morning, afternoon and night there is beauty to find. The sun rises to give us another chance, the afternoon settles us into existence with support to keep going. The night leads us home with guiding stars that never ask for anything in return.

To me, life is about taking risks to receive the small rewards and the greatest luxuries by simply being alive. Feeling it all form into a masterpiece of existence. I’ve never focused all of my reward on a shiny gold metal or judgement by someone else who says “I approve” or “you made it” – but rather small and free moments that warm my heart in a way nothing materialistic or bought can.

Time is now. One of the many things I’ve learned in this life is that we have control over one thing, now. The only thing we have control over our past is the time it steals in our present. The only thing we have control over our future is the freedom we give it currently. There is a balance between risk and grace, once we let go and take a stand in the now… everything falls into place. Taking a step back can really be making a move forward.

By taking a step back right now… What do you notice? What do you feel? What would make it better? Who can you forgive? What no longer needs to be remembered? Who needs a prayer? Here and now breathe in the present knowing one day you wont have it. Continue forward on choosing what will enhance this life. Our life. Your life. My life. Wake with trust and faith – knowing that everyday is a miracle for us to be given a chance to feel. To love. To see. To hear. To make a change. To risk. To stay. To leave. To take a stand.

-Sadianne Joyce