Tag: purpose

My Testimony

 

close up colors landscape picture“The Lord is my Shepard – I lack nothing.

He makes me lie down in green pastures.

He leads me besides the still waters.

He restores my soul.

He leads me to paths of righteousness.”

He makes me. He leads me. He restores me.

There was no other way. Every day and especially come night, I had a relationship with God – he came in to protect me. When I think of my childhood I think of my Mother. She had an energy about her that gave me safety. Even when her environment was unsafe, my Mother didn’t allow fear to cross her. Gods protection reminded me of my Mom, but I knew with Gods protection that it wasn’t just me that was kept safe, it was both her and I, my sister, my Father, everyone surrounding me – which made my relationship with God a priority. It’s as if he came to me and I surrendered. I knew that all would be okay as long as I followed this feeling and trusted a higher form of care. As a kid our relationship felt like the greatest, private tale of all time, yet it was real. It was existing, sometimes a gut feeling – I didn’t know precisely what this love was, but I knew I would never move in the opposite direction. And it carried me all the way to the next chapters of my life. When I think of my life and the testimony that belongs to me, there is not a certain moment that was a defining moment. My testimony has lived within me since I came to understand the safety that followed after I allowed God to take care of my family and I. Prayer would blossom out of me. I wasn’t taken to church religiously, but my mind understood the beautiful, miraculous wonders that something much larger had to of been the Creator. I wasn’t religious in terms of following a set of rules but I had an undeniable, personal relationship that I embrace to this day. Spirituality is my movement. Everyone around me knew that my experiences were outside the ordinary for a child my age, I grew up fast. I had no other choice, the same way God came in and took care of my life. Our safety. He made me lay down, rest, and realize he was the only one who could restore all of the hurt, fight and confusion.

My mom received a phone call, I heard the detective on the other line tell her to turn around, they found him. “Where is he?” My Mother asked. The detective responded and told her he would speak to her in person. I pushed my head into the seat and prayed the hardest I’ve ever prayed in my life. In that moment I felt the presence of God surround my being. It was clarification, understanding and knowing that the feeling I’ve been feeling, came over my body in full. I was no longer having just a taste of what my relationship was, I became fulfilled. I prayed so hard I could barely breathe. It was my initial reaction, to speak to God. To let him know that I am here. I am with him. He let me know he was with me.

“Please. Let him be okay.” I whispered. I would soon find out that he was. He was no longer in pain. No longer addicted. No longer fighting control. As I prayed, I felt as if my Dad was taking my hair, tucking it behind my ear, rocking me back and forth, telling me, “I am okay. And you will be too. Your mom. Your sister. The days to come. The man who will fill in. I am not far, I am here with you. I hear you, not in the way I used to. But you are all knowing and you will never go a day without my attention.”

The rest of the night is a blur. It could have been the tears covering my eyes or the sound of the scream I heard from my Mom when the detective told her they found my father dead. I stayed in the car when she went in to have the conversation. Looking at my sister in her car seat I wondered how this could be. Tears fell from my face, my sister in my arms. This was now my battlefield. His hurt is gone and ours will worsen for some time. But because God is with me, I will never fail, the pain will not last, understanding will come over my heart, it will take years but it will come. I will never lose sight of the proof that we have a protective God. My fathers death was a grudge that I held for awhile. Sadness turned into anger and anger turned into anxiety.

I fought to forgive my Father for all he has missed and all he will miss out on, for the love I poured from my small being, feeling as if I could have done better… Wishing I would have done more… I forgave him. For making my Mother a warrior, not because she wanted to be but because she had to be, she was a survivor while sometimes feeling like she was losing. I forgave him for leaving. He left me with the most powerful lesson. He didn’t leave me empty handed and I often wonder if he as well, had a relation with God that offered pure peace. It took me a long time to realize this. He introduced the purest, most powerful love. And this is where my strength comes from, the relationship I had with God as a young age. It wasn’t because of the experiences I went through but because of the faith my small being had. Sometimes we go through ultimate darkness so we are made to kneel down, to have one choice but to give ourselves to the one who holds reason and I made the choice to do so. Even when it didn’t make sense, it does now. And I understand that I have been encountering God in special ways ever since.

With arms wide open and a broken heart, anger in my soul, misunderstanding when happiness was present, unknowingly defending all pain, carefully taking myself out of joyful situations because it felt too good to be true, I remembered that this is not what God would want for me. And most certainly not my Father, who wished with his entire being – to give me the very best. I not only forgave my Dad. I forgave myself and let the weights drift from my shoulders. I let go and let God in, again, again and again. And each time I would find that same feeling of guidance, fulfillment, a sense that I was being waited for. Restoration occurred and I am now the woman I am today because of the witness I grew up to be. There is no other way, there is no other choice, God is the center of my life, and the reason as to why the gospel I take in is so moving.

I pray that those who have their own testimony share their voice with others. I pray that those receiving, dance to the gospel.

I pray that those who have not had the opportunity to experience such a relationship, open their hearts and realize the rest will follow.

Trust in this.

The rest will follow.

-Sadianne Joyce

“It takes courage to give voice to what we experience, the way a coyote howls: not just out of hunger, but out of visceral joy at being a part of the infinite secret revealed. In this way, we’re angels wrapped in skin and fur, racing through thicket after thicket because we sense what can’t be seen all around us.” -M. Nepo

Thicker Skin and a Softer Heart

The air of October has always found a home against my spine – riding through my body and settling in places warmth fights to find. I value this feeling as it reminds me of what being alive is – to feel. To shiver. To fight. To seek comfort. To conquer.

On this day October 14th, my father was born. Happy Birthday to the man who taught me what forgiveness means, who taught me fight, who helped me understand that not all questions can be answered but faith will live on as long as we wear it like armor. Rest in peace to the man who deserved the rest, freedom, the answers to what I’ve accepted will never make sense. October will always speak to me like a long lost friend – or a long lost enemy, I’m not sure which feels more fitting. This month holds a memorable place in my heart. The same heart that has softened throughout the years, the heart that is guarded by skin that has become thick and capable of anything, with or without fear.

One of our greatest strengths is courage to seek beauty even when life doesn’t represent the miraculous creation that it is. Many will wake to days where this seems impossible, many will continue to rise and try again, without knowing why. Some will give up and some will succeed. There are no promises of what will happen next, what the day will bring, who will be here and who will be gone. These thoughts used to scare me. They used to shift me into anxiousness, until I realized that through fear, grit, fight and tears I will always be ready. I will fight for those who didn’t know how. I will listen to those who feel unheard. I will reach my hand to those falling and I’ll get on the ground to be a ladder into higher perspective. I’ll do all of this by simply existing in each day to my fullest potential, remembering where I came from and who I am today.

I’ve become balanced, understanding and reminiscing right from wrong. I’ve come to solid ground, standing here – tall and demanding of standards that will continue to rise. Expectations to gather in healthy relationships, environments and expression. I will never be without this, I have a promise to keep.

In just a few days, October 17th will mark the day my father passed away. The day that has brought me to these thoughts today. The day that has shaped me. The day he gave up and the day I stood up.

I’ve learned and will continue to cherish the fight we all have within us. The value that keeps us defined and the worth of what we allow in our lives. I will embrace everything that has happened to me and all that’s to come. To being capable of feeling. To being capable of loving. To being capable of seeing a future yet embracing the present with grateful presence. To celebrations, whether small or large. To the appreciation of free joys that make life priceless. To intentional movement. To growth. To honesty. To God. To loss. To gain. To excelling. To being supported. To my guardians. To my being.

My existence that was created by my Mother and my Father. By fierce passion and burning desire – all stories come to an end but a new beginning is always around the corner.

-Sadianne Joyce

A Sculpted Masterpiece

There is a creator within all of us – it’s in our blood. We are a sculpted masterpiece, let us never forget.

As we are many things, we remain human, which allows us to fall into states of seeking, wanting only what we think will fill a void. Without realizing that everything we need is already within us, darkness can arrive. If we feel that our fire is burning out, when we forget, lack, and don’t feel the need to keep adding fuel – we become cold. Light is no longer, the atmosphere dims and our vision isn’t clear.

Depending on the season of my life, I will have an undeniable light within and around me. While other times I need to push harder and gather energy to stay inspired.

When we feel darkness approaching let us not stray too far. Let us remember that we only become lost when we step outside of ourselves. Our resources to regain, refocus and recreate are within us. The creator who created us would not leave us without the tools to become our best selves whenever we are genuinely motivated to put our best foot forward.

When we doubt what we’re capable of we’re putting borders upon our craft and limiting our outcome. Why is it so easy to be hard on ourselves? Why is it so hard to believe that yes, we in fact, can. We can do anything our heart desires. We are capable of much more than what we allow ourselves to know. Excuses are easy when our environment isn’t to it’s fullest potential, but what we forget is that our environment can shift, change and become redesigned by our own hands. Let us roll up our sleeves and become the artist who knows what they are capable of and unafraid to take the leap into movement.

Let us take a look at everything before us. Sometimes all we need is our surroundings to come to a breathtaking stillness. In this stillness we will see what no longer serves purpose. Room for new essentials will be available. I will surrender in letting go. I will move forward in growth, ignited light and conditions that enhance my soul.

We are a masterpiece always, even when we lose sight that everything we need is within. We are all growing, we are all learning, we are all coming home from being lost time and time again.

Our tension releases. Our posture lifts. Our spirit is felt. Our eyes see clear. Our language is heard. Our heart is healthy. Our mind is fulfilled with fresh thoughts. Our body is balanced. Our home is loved. Our tools are useful. Our creation lives.

-Sadianne Joyce

Virtue Defined

Emotions running through my blood, reminding me how alive and blessed I am to live a life granted. Sometimes it’s important to center all of our thoughts, our purpose, the joy we are capable of.

Ask yourself, what confirms my existence? What confirms my purpose? Tears begin to run down my face, making me understand the very reason of my creation.

We gather and forget what we are here for. Let us be reminded why we all live in the same place. It is not to feel crowded, invaded or anxious. I find people full of love everyday, and if I feel a shortage, I wish to offer a hand, wanting to remind them of why happiness is something we’re all capable of. I listen to hear God’s voice, I become a steward of blessing when I speak through him and when I give through him. When I become a blessing to others I am blessed with confirmation. I am rewarded with confirmation of knowing my very purpose. My purpose in life is not something to grasp, it is not a goal to reach, it’s not a day I look forward to. My purpose is now. It is present time that deserves indulgence. Every breath, every moment, every day. My purpose is to step outside of ordinary, to become something deeper than just a surface level, existing conversation. I wish to comfort and warm where cold hits and wishes to settle. I am created to admire, to look in the eyes of despair and pray for light. I’m here to look into the eyes of joy and feel them inspire. When I give joy, I receive joy – because within offering is foundation.

The design of my body was given as I continue to be the designer of my spirit. I am fulfilled with worthiness when I design by surrendering.

“I would rather be what God chose to make me than the most glorious creature that I could think of; For to have been born in God’s thought and then made by God is the dearest, grandest, and most precious in all thinking.” -C.S. Lewis

Surrendering is one of our strongest abilities. Surrendering to what God has called upon us, in front of us and behind us is not an easy task, but it is needed in order to understand pure reason. My motives are to let go of control. I no longer try to calculate what does not make sense. I stray from paths that do not lead to a holy place. I no longer move forward forgetting that I am chosen and a plan is crafted. I am yours God while I am still mine, experiencing this is virtue defined. I will only desire change if it is called by you. I will only trust where I feel you live. I only indulge where I can serve purpose and purpose can serve me. Unease and confusion does not tempt me. I no longer invite the unknown unless intuitive discovery calls. I will not go where I feel you afar. I cannot seek for something that is already inventoried within.

I have heard your voice, your comfort, your wisdom in places I have needed it – This is ALL I need. I will continue to be the very creation you called upon this Earth. I will continue to live as a daily reminder of what I am capable of – what we all are capable of.

I will continue to surrender.

-Sadianne Joyce

Breaking Chains

God blesses those who are poor and realize their need for him. God blesses those who mourn, for they will be comforted. God blesses those who are humble for they will inherit the whole world. God blesses those who hunger and thirst for justice, for they will be satisfied. God blesses those who are merciful for they will be shown mercy. God blesses those whose hearts are pure, for they will see God. God blesses those who are persecuted for doing right, for the Kingdom of Heaven is theirs. God blesses you when people mock you and persecute you and lie about you and say all sorts of evil things against you because you are my followers. Be happy about it! Be very glad! For a great reward awaits you in heaven.

As I was paging through my bible, spending time where I needed it, I came across these blessings. I’ll never doubt the messages that come our way when we are hungry to fill our stomach and make us full. God knows when we are seeking and hungry – when we reach out, we will be fulfilled with the exact nourishment we are lacking.

It normally happens when I’m in the midst of chaos, that I come to the realization that a deep breath, time alone and a conversation with my heart is needed. These conversations happen when my desires need to be revisited, my priorities and my surroundings. I ask myself, are you becoming more of the person you want to be by what surrounds you? Are you making every moment matter by surrounding yourself around genuine relationships, meaningful conversations and most importantly the joy that feeds your mind and heart?

We become so used to saying “yes” to opportunities that rise because of convenience. Sometimes our voice feels small because we have a fear of being judged after releasing our truth. We can even keep relationships because the lack of knowing our own worth, we’re scared to be without, because it is new territory.

I’m breaking the chains of fear. Of allowance in what doesn’t feel trustworthy. Heartfelt. Genuine. In relation with God. Comfortable. Easy. Loving. All in. I’m breaking wrong intentions of others, seeing through where they want me for their own selfish reasons. I’m breaking dishonesty from others, for it will not last as I have no space for it. I’m breaking silence, standing up in what is right and what is wrong. I’m breaking judgement, if you do not like the passionate, loud loving heart I have, it was never meant to be yours to understand. I’m breaking lack of communication by offering all I can on my end and if not mirrored, the path will continue on with light showing me a more fitting way.

“You must find the courage to leave the table if respect is no longer being served.” Tene Edwards

We have a mighty God. Ready and willing to overflow our hunger into satisfaction. The problem is, a lot of people are not ready to receive. Serve. And continue on with spiritual purpose and worth. We must see what God has created us to be.

If we don’t focus our life on personal care – we will never be able to offer our best selves. If we do not nurture where we need nourishment, even when we try to be a loving friend, partner or stranger, we wont be able to. When we lack care for ourselves we will lack care for others. When we are not honest with ourselves how could we ever express honesty to others, as it would be coming from a false source. When we do not love ourselves we cannot love those around us.

Break the chains that keep you in places that are not meant for you. Understand that distancing yourself to come home to yourself is often times key. Once you have that key you will be able to walk into your home, find love in the places that are decorated from all the good within you. And soon, you’ll be able to invite others in. They will be inspired, they will feel at home within your home because when we become our best selves we attract what syncs with our own belonging. They will take a piece of you with them, to keep. To cherish. To thank God for.

-Sadianne Joyce

Joining Forces

Within all change is great character. We are always on our way. As I trust the process always, I break into this new season of bloom walking with the same heart that will never stop loving, the same soul that will never stop expressing. Except older, bigger, stronger.

I’ve been content with my present giving the time ahead a feeling of home. An understanding that vulnerability can be one of the most beautiful strengths. A knowing that my love is enough and more. A worth that continues to walk through all wrong intentions. A guidance from people who know my heart.

“I was meant to be experienced differently. I am not a friend you have had before, I am not a lover you have loved before, I am me.” 

When you experience me you will be experiencing my full truth. I am here for it all. This time better than ever. Even when I don’t feel ready, I will be. Even when I am not fearless, I will be brave. Even when I do not understand, I will listen.

To those in my life, I wish to reflect the good that I see in you. The unique craft that I admire, I wish to enhance by speaking upon and complimenting all you have to offer. I wish to be the balance on a warm day, offering shade and a breeze to keep you cool.

I want those I love to feel big, free and open in their truth as I have grown to express mine. Take up space, I want you here. Even when I am content and quiet, you are made of great company. The experiences that have shaped you are valid and even when it seems hard, let’s join forces to make it easier.

My heart feels freely and beats not only for myself but for those around me. How I exchange my emotions, realness and energy with others, will result in life. My life is beautiful because I choose to see the breathtaking view. I hear the song because I listen to the music. I dance without care because I know what’s worth worry. I am surrounded by love because of the people that mirror what I give.

Gratitude within me overflows, blossoms and becomes an energy surrounding me.

Thank what you have – it’s meant to be yours.
Thank what is not reciprocated – there is purpose.
Thank what has passed – you are growing.
Thank what’s to come – trust in the process.

The beauty of this all is so perpetual. 

-Sadianne Joyce

Held to Rising

From a woman, born the same way you were. From a woman who had enough strength in her bones to birth you, to release you into a world not knowing what your purpose would be. Maybe not even knowing her own purpose yet – you arrived.

To all mothers and their strength to carry us, to free us and maybe even watch us grow. The first sound, a cry into the air of a space that others are present and witnessing. This is the beginning of a life granted. A moment so beautiful everyone in the room cries. We cry with our mother, we cry with the others. A yell into life, a sound so powerful. Make it be true for the rest of the time you are given, even if it takes a few seconds of silence before you release. Please don’t be afraid to make your sound. Continue to let them hear and be aware of your presence.

I was loved before I was kissed. I had hearts believing in me before I knew what it meant to believe in myself. I was held by beauty when my small legs met life. My legs went kicking, awakening the morning as if I was practicing the run I would have along the moon time and time again. I was born this way. Wild. Free. Sometimes restless, always perceived. Ready to take chances and cherish those who cheered and stood alongside.

I was not only heard on that day but felt then as you feel me now.

There is a breathing aura that fills up the space between these words and the color of your eyes. A connection between my heart and yours. Spreading through the distance between what you see and what you feel. These kicking legs can be kept up with – for those who know how to run.

How these legs have grown to long silk, I am aware of the transformation that has developed and in tune with what is still occurring.

To those who are raised with purpose. To those still questioning what their noise means. To those who have no doubts and to those who have not one clue. You were brought into this world to feel all of this, the purpose of where you are currently started from a seed, look how you’ve grown – you are not done.

Run into the question. Bloom into the certainty of reason. The strength lays not only in your mothers bones but now in yours. Always allow your movement to be taken in. Between the distance of your thoughts and the sight of the moon, I will be known as you will be felt.

Let’s blossom, from morning to night. Let’s take off, from being held to our capability of rising. Let’s continue to carry praise and release even more than what was ever expected.

-Sadianne Joyce