Tag: respect

My Testimony

 

close up colors landscape picture“The Lord is my Shepard – I lack nothing.

He makes me lie down in green pastures.

He leads me besides the still waters.

He restores my soul.

He leads me to paths of righteousness.”

He makes me. He leads me. He restores me.

There was no other way. Every day and especially come night, I had a relationship with God – he came in to protect me. When I think of my childhood I think of my Mother. She had an energy about her that gave me safety. Even when her environment was unsafe, my Mother didn’t allow fear to cross her. Gods protection reminded me of my Mom, but I knew with Gods protection that it wasn’t just me that was kept safe, it was both her and I, my sister, my Father, everyone surrounding me – which made my relationship with God a priority. It’s as if he came to me and I surrendered. I knew that all would be okay as long as I followed this feeling and trusted a higher form of care. As a kid our relationship felt like the greatest, private tale of all time, yet it was real. It was existing, sometimes a gut feeling – I didn’t know precisely what this love was, but I knew I would never move in the opposite direction. And it carried me all the way to the next chapters of my life. When I think of my life and the testimony that belongs to me, there is not a certain moment that was a defining moment. My testimony has lived within me since I came to understand the safety that followed after I allowed God to take care of my family and I. Prayer would blossom out of me. I wasn’t taken to church religiously, but my mind understood the beautiful, miraculous wonders that something much larger had to of been the Creator. I wasn’t religious in terms of following a set of rules but I had an undeniable, personal relationship that I embrace to this day. Spirituality is my movement. Everyone around me knew that my experiences were outside the ordinary for a child my age, I grew up fast. I had no other choice, the same way God came in and took care of my life. Our safety. He made me lay down, rest, and realize he was the only one who could restore all of the hurt, fight and confusion.

My mom received a phone call, I heard the detective on the other line tell her to turn around, they found him. “Where is he?” My Mother asked. The detective responded and told her he would speak to her in person. I pushed my head into the seat and prayed the hardest I’ve ever prayed in my life. In that moment I felt the presence of God surround my being. It was clarification, understanding and knowing that the feeling I’ve been feeling, came over my body in full. I was no longer having just a taste of what my relationship was, I became fulfilled. I prayed so hard I could barely breathe. It was my initial reaction, to speak to God. To let him know that I am here. I am with him. He let me know he was with me.

“Please. Let him be okay.” I whispered. I would soon find out that he was. He was no longer in pain. No longer addicted. No longer fighting control. As I prayed, I felt as if my Dad was taking my hair, tucking it behind my ear, rocking me back and forth, telling me, “I am okay. And you will be too. Your mom. Your sister. The days to come. The man who will fill in. I am not far, I am here with you. I hear you, not in the way I used to. But you are all knowing and you will never go a day without my attention.”

The rest of the night is a blur. It could have been the tears covering my eyes or the sound of the scream I heard from my Mom when the detective told her they found my father dead. I stayed in the car when she went in to have the conversation. Looking at my sister in her car seat I wondered how this could be. Tears fell from my face, my sister in my arms. This was now my battlefield. His hurt is gone and ours will worsen for some time. But because God is with me, I will never fail, the pain will not last, understanding will come over my heart, it will take years but it will come. I will never lose sight of the proof that we have a protective God. My fathers death was a grudge that I held for awhile. Sadness turned into anger and anger turned into anxiety.

I fought to forgive my Father for all he has missed and all he will miss out on, for the love I poured from my small being, feeling as if I could have done better… Wishing I would have done more… I forgave him. For making my Mother a warrior, not because she wanted to be but because she had to be, she was a survivor while sometimes feeling like she was losing. I forgave him for leaving. He left me with the most powerful lesson. He didn’t leave me empty handed and I often wonder if he as well, had a relation with God that offered pure peace. It took me a long time to realize this. He introduced the purest, most powerful love. And this is where my strength comes from, the relationship I had with God as a young age. It wasn’t because of the experiences I went through but because of the faith my small being had. Sometimes we go through ultimate darkness so we are made to kneel down, to have one choice but to give ourselves to the one who holds reason and I made the choice to do so. Even when it didn’t make sense, it does now. And I understand that I have been encountering God in special ways ever since.

With arms wide open and a broken heart, anger in my soul, misunderstanding when happiness was present, unknowingly defending all pain, carefully taking myself out of joyful situations because it felt too good to be true, I remembered that this is not what God would want for me. And most certainly not my Father, who wished with his entire being – to give me the very best. I not only forgave my Dad. I forgave myself and let the weights drift from my shoulders. I let go and let God in, again, again and again. And each time I would find that same feeling of guidance, fulfillment, a sense that I was being waited for. Restoration occurred and I am now the woman I am today because of the witness I grew up to be. There is no other way, there is no other choice, God is the center of my life, and the reason as to why the gospel I take in is so moving.

I pray that those who have their own testimony share their voice with others. I pray that those receiving, dance to the gospel.

I pray that those who have not had the opportunity to experience such a relationship, open their hearts and realize the rest will follow.

Trust in this.

The rest will follow.

-Sadianne Joyce

“It takes courage to give voice to what we experience, the way a coyote howls: not just out of hunger, but out of visceral joy at being a part of the infinite secret revealed. In this way, we’re angels wrapped in skin and fur, racing through thicket after thicket because we sense what can’t be seen all around us.” -M. Nepo

Building Tables Instead of Walls

If someone doesn’t relate to the amount of emotion I feel, I will not discredit them. My spirit will remain touched. My source of passion comes from a place of love, and I’ve always said my love is my strongest quality. I will always inform from a place of sincerity and I will always speak when it is beneficial to the quiet that lingers.

I often have to ease into my thoughts before becoming overwhelmed. Empathy, as wonderful as it is to have, no one warns you that it hurts. I once felt that my level of empathy was a problem, especially when I was feeling for scenarios and people that didn’t relate to me personally. I am realizing that this is not a personal problem, it’s a worldly problem and I’m feeling with reason. I feel because I am reacting and I am reacting to something very real. If I could, I’d take away my emotion by taking away the problems – But until the problems are gone, I will continue to feel. I wont be afraid to express and show why my body hurts for others or why my voice speaks for those who are too tired. I will listen although I may not understand. I’ve once been asked how I stay so positive, and it’s not that I never have bad days, or that I never feel down, because I do. Instead I do my best to focus on love over the hate. And sometimes love is taking the time to unravel why something escalates and explodes. Sometimes feeling hurts, but to feel is to heal.

I once read something written by Dr.Powell that comforted me and made me feel validation and connection to others that may relate. “When your body responds to it being cold by the hair standing up, or if you get that gut feeling that something isn’t quite right, your body does a very good job of telling you when something isn’t right. The feeling of anger, frustration, and rage that accompanies moments like this – it’s when we don’t feel it, when we’ve become so numb, habituated, or normalized to it, that’s when we know that there is a problem.”

I won’t build walls, I will build tables – and then I will ask all people, of all backgrounds, religion, genders and races to join me over existence in true communion. I wish to continue my walk into life as a safe place, a support system, a home for comfort and compassion.

Lord I pray, that throughout our living earth we see each other and feel each other as one. Ignite our hearts in places of expression, emotion and change. Let us come together in peace, but in strength. Let us understand that one wrong man doesn’t mirror every man. Let us speak for those who no longer can, let us change the world together and for the better by believing that we can. Let us exchange love and pass each other in love. Let us be reminded that through all things, you Lord, created us to be capable.

Amen.

When we factor the lives of each other, embrace our differences and our conditions of existence, we can stand as one.

We don’t have to fight each other.

We can fight together.

-Sadianne Joyce

Joining Forces

Within all change is great character. We are always on our way. As I trust the process always, I break into this new season of bloom walking with the same heart that will never stop loving, the same soul that will never stop expressing. Except older, bigger, stronger.

I’ve been content with my present giving the time ahead a feeling of home. An understanding that vulnerability can be one of the most beautiful strengths. A knowing that my love is enough and more. A worth that continues to walk through all wrong intentions. A guidance from people who know my heart.

“I was meant to be experienced differently. I am not a friend you have had before, I am not a lover you have loved before, I am me.” 

When you experience me you will be experiencing my full truth. I am here for it all. This time better than ever. Even when I don’t feel ready, I will be. Even when I am not fearless, I will be brave. Even when I do not understand, I will listen.

To those in my life, I wish to reflect the good that I see in you. The unique craft that I admire, I wish to enhance by speaking upon and complimenting all you have to offer. I wish to be the balance on a warm day, offering shade and a breeze to keep you cool.

I want those I love to feel big, free and open in their truth as I have grown to express mine. Take up space, I want you here. Even when I am content and quiet, you are made of great company. The experiences that have shaped you are valid and even when it seems hard, let’s join forces to make it easier.

My heart feels freely and beats not only for myself but for those around me. How I exchange my emotions, realness and energy with others, will result in life. My life is beautiful because I choose to see the breathtaking view. I hear the song because I listen to the music. I dance without care because I know what’s worth worry. I am surrounded by love because of the people that mirror what I give.

Gratitude within me overflows, blossoms and becomes an energy surrounding me.

Thank what you have – it’s meant to be yours.
Thank what is not reciprocated – there is purpose.
Thank what has passed – you are growing.
Thank what’s to come – trust in the process.

The beauty of this all is so perpetual. 

-Sadianne Joyce

Watch me as I go

Take a moment to remember where you come from. What you have seen. The experiences you’ve gone through alone and with others. After remembering, I like to let go. I can’t let go completely – the miles I have traveled brought me to the person I am today. Some moments are so monumental that I can never forget. But the miles I have traveled are not meant to keep me consumed. They are meant to take me places. Places that have been waiting for me. And I, traveling to them.

The sky pink. I wanted to reach out and wear it. Knowing the tone would compliment my cheeks that blush so easily. The crescent moon soon, so shyly and innocently will let my silver jewelry catch light to shine. Etta James on the radio escaping out of the windows I prefer down in words of “A Sunday Kind of Love”
My hands grasping the steering wheel, lightly. The soft atmosphere accompanied my long drive. The length of time my tires were on the road wasn’t discriminated and I was at ease.
My movement spoke in the way of a child on a summer day “Catch me if you can.” and like the woman deserving of love and love only, on this day “Watch me as I go.”

To beautiful heights and freedom brushing my hair. If I am alone please don’t mistake me as lonely. A life given of breathtaking wonder, I stand tall and in charge of my worth. Paving a path where no trail has ever been. I walk in understanding validation cannot come from outside sources. I find it from within, the fulfillment that I seek. There is nurturing that I must complete and acceptance I must give. There is beauty to be seen and admiration to be felt. I have this power to extend my heart because I am whole, I am one and I have everything I need.

Dig if you must, get your hands dirty to refine and define. Be your own muse and your own greatest company. Celebrate those who have bravery in their souls to allow space in being exactly what their heart desires. Become inspired by the personal style and story others carry. Let it be your pleasure by giving yourself the same amount of freedom. Self acceptance is self love. Never hide all that you discover. Let it float to surface and embrace it in confidence.

Love yourself until your heart is overflowing. There is no capacity. Your heart will overflow and I wish that you let it. Allow yourself to overflow in worthiness, you will be felt by those around you. They will be able to indulge in what you have to offer without making you any less of who you are.

Be consumed for who you are. Step out and know that the path is yours. You decide what is on the sidelines, you decide your pace, you decide how beautiful you perceive the sight to be. Any door you enter will be presented with purpose and authenticity. Stand in love. Sway with the wind. Be wild with your truth and never apologize for the freedom you speak.

Let me admire. Let me inspire. I will do so anyway. My distinctive aura and my exclusive love invites you in. The true you. The real you. The unedited and one of a kind you.

-Sadianne Joyce