Tag: sadiannejoyce

My Testimony

 

close up colors landscape picture“The Lord is my Shepard – I lack nothing.

He makes me lie down in green pastures.

He leads me besides the still waters.

He restores my soul.

He leads me to paths of righteousness.”

He makes me. He leads me. He restores me.

There was no other way. Every day and especially come night, I had a relationship with God – he came in to protect me. When I think of my childhood I think of my Mother. She had an energy about her that gave me safety. Even when her environment was unsafe, my Mother didn’t allow fear to cross her. Gods protection reminded me of my Mom, but I knew with Gods protection that it wasn’t just me that was kept safe, it was both her and I, my sister, my Father, everyone surrounding me – which made my relationship with God a priority. It’s as if he came to me and I surrendered. I knew that all would be okay as long as I followed this feeling and trusted a higher form of care. As a kid our relationship felt like the greatest, private tale of all time, yet it was real. It was existing, sometimes a gut feeling – I didn’t know precisely what this love was, but I knew I would never move in the opposite direction. And it carried me all the way to the next chapters of my life. When I think of my life and the testimony that belongs to me, there is not a certain moment that was a defining moment. My testimony has lived within me since I came to understand the safety that followed after I allowed God to take care of my family and I. Prayer would blossom out of me. I wasn’t taken to church religiously, but my mind understood the beautiful, miraculous wonders that something much larger had to of been the Creator. I wasn’t religious in terms of following a set of rules but I had an undeniable, personal relationship that I embrace to this day. Spirituality is my movement. Everyone around me knew that my experiences were outside the ordinary for a child my age, I grew up fast. I had no other choice, the same way God came in and took care of my life. Our safety. He made me lay down, rest, and realize he was the only one who could restore all of the hurt, fight and confusion.

My mom received a phone call, I heard the detective on the other line tell her to turn around, they found him. “Where is he?” My Mother asked. The detective responded and told her he would speak to her in person. I pushed my head into the seat and prayed the hardest I’ve ever prayed in my life. In that moment I felt the presence of God surround my being. It was clarification, understanding and knowing that the feeling I’ve been feeling, came over my body in full. I was no longer having just a taste of what my relationship was, I became fulfilled. I prayed so hard I could barely breathe. It was my initial reaction, to speak to God. To let him know that I am here. I am with him. He let me know he was with me.

“Please. Let him be okay.” I whispered. I would soon find out that he was. He was no longer in pain. No longer addicted. No longer fighting control. As I prayed, I felt as if my Dad was taking my hair, tucking it behind my ear, rocking me back and forth, telling me, “I am okay. And you will be too. Your mom. Your sister. The days to come. The man who will fill in. I am not far, I am here with you. I hear you, not in the way I used to. But you are all knowing and you will never go a day without my attention.”

The rest of the night is a blur. It could have been the tears covering my eyes or the sound of the scream I heard from my Mom when the detective told her they found my father dead. I stayed in the car when she went in to have the conversation. Looking at my sister in her car seat I wondered how this could be. Tears fell from my face, my sister in my arms. This was now my battlefield. His hurt is gone and ours will worsen for some time. But because God is with me, I will never fail, the pain will not last, understanding will come over my heart, it will take years but it will come. I will never lose sight of the proof that we have a protective God. My fathers death was a grudge that I held for awhile. Sadness turned into anger and anger turned into anxiety.

I fought to forgive my Father for all he has missed and all he will miss out on, for the love I poured from my small being, feeling as if I could have done better… Wishing I would have done more… I forgave him. For making my Mother a warrior, not because she wanted to be but because she had to be, she was a survivor while sometimes feeling like she was losing. I forgave him for leaving. He left me with the most powerful lesson. He didn’t leave me empty handed and I often wonder if he as well, had a relation with God that offered pure peace. It took me a long time to realize this. He introduced the purest, most powerful love. And this is where my strength comes from, the relationship I had with God as a young age. It wasn’t because of the experiences I went through but because of the faith my small being had. Sometimes we go through ultimate darkness so we are made to kneel down, to have one choice but to give ourselves to the one who holds reason and I made the choice to do so. Even when it didn’t make sense, it does now. And I understand that I have been encountering God in special ways ever since.

With arms wide open and a broken heart, anger in my soul, misunderstanding when happiness was present, unknowingly defending all pain, carefully taking myself out of joyful situations because it felt too good to be true, I remembered that this is not what God would want for me. And most certainly not my Father, who wished with his entire being – to give me the very best. I not only forgave my Dad. I forgave myself and let the weights drift from my shoulders. I let go and let God in, again, again and again. And each time I would find that same feeling of guidance, fulfillment, a sense that I was being waited for. Restoration occurred and I am now the woman I am today because of the witness I grew up to be. There is no other way, there is no other choice, God is the center of my life, and the reason as to why the gospel I take in is so moving.

I pray that those who have their own testimony share their voice with others. I pray that those receiving, dance to the gospel.

I pray that those who have not had the opportunity to experience such a relationship, open their hearts and realize the rest will follow.

Trust in this.

The rest will follow.

-Sadianne Joyce

“It takes courage to give voice to what we experience, the way a coyote howls: not just out of hunger, but out of visceral joy at being a part of the infinite secret revealed. In this way, we’re angels wrapped in skin and fur, racing through thicket after thicket because we sense what can’t be seen all around us.” -M. Nepo

Building Tables Instead of Walls

If someone doesn’t relate to the amount of emotion I feel, I will not discredit them. My spirit will remain touched. My source of passion comes from a place of love, and I’ve always said my love is my strongest quality. I will always inform from a place of sincerity and I will always speak when it is beneficial to the quiet that lingers.

I often have to ease into my thoughts before becoming overwhelmed. Empathy, as wonderful as it is to have, no one warns you that it hurts. I once felt that my level of empathy was a problem, especially when I was feeling for scenarios and people that didn’t relate to me personally. I am realizing that this is not a personal problem, it’s a worldly problem and I’m feeling with reason. I feel because I am reacting and I am reacting to something very real. If I could, I’d take away my emotion by taking away the problems – But until the problems are gone, I will continue to feel. I wont be afraid to express and show why my body hurts for others or why my voice speaks for those who are too tired. I will listen although I may not understand. I’ve once been asked how I stay so positive, and it’s not that I never have bad days, or that I never feel down, because I do. Instead I do my best to focus on love over the hate. And sometimes love is taking the time to unravel why something escalates and explodes. Sometimes feeling hurts, but to feel is to heal.

I once read something written by Dr.Powell that comforted me and made me feel validation and connection to others that may relate. “When your body responds to it being cold by the hair standing up, or if you get that gut feeling that something isn’t quite right, your body does a very good job of telling you when something isn’t right. The feeling of anger, frustration, and rage that accompanies moments like this – it’s when we don’t feel it, when we’ve become so numb, habituated, or normalized to it, that’s when we know that there is a problem.”

I won’t build walls, I will build tables – and then I will ask all people, of all backgrounds, religion, genders and races to join me over existence in true communion. I wish to continue my walk into life as a safe place, a support system, a home for comfort and compassion.

Lord I pray, that throughout our living earth we see each other and feel each other as one. Ignite our hearts in places of expression, emotion and change. Let us come together in peace, but in strength. Let us understand that one wrong man doesn’t mirror every man. Let us speak for those who no longer can, let us change the world together and for the better by believing that we can. Let us exchange love and pass each other in love. Let us be reminded that through all things, you Lord, created us to be capable.

Amen.

When we factor the lives of each other, embrace our differences and our conditions of existence, we can stand as one.

We don’t have to fight each other.

We can fight together.

-Sadianne Joyce

Diving Deeper

My mind wandered across the beach, my thoughts upon the waves, washing clean and back to shore. My feet were cool, resting past the surface level of sand. My body being warmed by the sun, and even more so from the love I felt from the man sitting next to me.

I’ve always dreamed about living a life I wouldn’t need to vacation from. I thought to myself, when I can say this, I’ll know I’ve made it. But something about this moment shifted something for me. I watched the birds dive deep into the ocean and with determination to gather, they would come up – fulfilled. This made sense to me.

The palm trees swaying and children laughing. Birds can always be observed if we look up once in awhile. A page from my book dancing in the wind, reminding me of my attention drifting elsewhere. A couple near by, mirroring what others see when they look at me and Jason. Admiring each other, but perfectly relaxed.

Fulfillment is attainable at any moment, we only need to dive deeper.

On a vacation we take the essentials. Packing lighter gives us room to experience what isn’t materialistic. When we are away, we look at each day as a gift. An experience waiting to happen. Regardless of the season, in a land that isn’t familiar, we make the most of it. We stay hopeful and make the moments count. We make effort to capture memories we surely wont forget. We’ll bring it up years to come and share it over laughter and maybe even tears. These are thoughts I spend present time looking forward to, without realizing I already have it. Here and now. Tomorrow and the next day. Our days outside of vacation are just as numbered.

I looked at Jason and told him, “I love this life.” Knowing I meant I love more than just this vacation. I love the life outside of it. The life we’re going home to. The family and friends. Our daily routines, what we do for a living but even more, our passions. What has passed and what’s in store. I love that everyday can be treated as luxurious as a vacation if we remind ourselves how precious our moments are. I vow promises to myself, in the silence between pages turning and passerby’s – I promise never to rely on time away to feel the admiration I have for this life.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s normal and healthy to enjoy time away from normal responsibility. I’m guilty for indulging in pauses, taking a step back, breaking free. I admire time dedicated to re-centering and becoming re-inspired. This is how we become polished. But what if, in the time away we realized we could be this enlightened on any ordinary day?

We watched the sun glide from one side of us to the other, setting. Slipping us into the night. Another day coming to an end, but not just any day.

I will look forward to this life. Not one day, but everyday.

-Sadianne Joyce

Available Sanctuary

 

“Within you, there is a stillness and a sanctuary to which you can retreat at anytime and be yourself.” -Herman Hesse

How peaceful it is to know we always have a place to go. The most important and vital elements of our beings are within. How sacred and intimate this is when we realize that everything that requires most care, cannot be seen by a surface level glance. We are a house to our soul, our mental state and all of our emotions. We carry a home within us. Whether it comes to physical health or emotional health – I choose and continue to focus on the comfort and love I put into my own sanctuary. Finding home within is essential, it’s ours and it’s time to own it.

We are our own place of safety, comfort and light. We allow what affects the energy weaving in and releasing. We are walking with a haven beneath our form. Are we making it a safe place to be? A place we would wish to visit? A comfort we crave? Does it feel like a trusting and lasting relationship? Rest and acceptance? Love?

What words of encouragement do you have hanging on the walls of your mind? Which words do you speak that sound like prayer? What do you feed your mind before falling asleep and the second you wake? Is your reflection smiling back at you saying “You are beautiful. You are capable. You are strong. You will figure it out.” How is your body being nourished? Are you giving your eyes enough sights that make your body, even if – just for a moment feel one with the scenery? Do you hush your mind and rock your soul to rest when feeling anxious? Do you become better after a challenge instead of bitter? Do you wake thanking God for another day instead of dreading what needs work? Are you easy on yourself when repairs need to be done? Are you wise enough to call for help when the job may be too big to handle yourself? Are you your own best friend, telling yourself “You deserve good things.” just as you would to someone that means the world to you? Are you forgiving when you can’t always be the best version of yourself? Do you wish to be light in darkness or join as a shadow? When you judge others do you acknowledge the feeling of grit it gives your body? When you see the beauty in others do you acknowledge the warmth that runs through your veins? Do you treat others the way you would like to be treated? Do you treat yourself the way you desire others to treat you?

I’ve heard people wanting to get out of their mind, wanting to move on from everything they are feeling, wishing they were somewhere else other than their current state – but all of this cannot be tackled without tackling it. There are fights we need to fight in order to make room for these questions and answers that will shape us into all we are capable of becoming. We must ask the hard questions and most importantly we must answer honestly. Once we become honest with who we are deep down we can then begin to shape our house into a home. Our physical, mental and emotional state will feel safe and heard. There is no need to hide emotions, to pretend that everything is okay when it is not – this is a false environment, one where we wont be free. We can recreate, revisit, revamp, reconstruct at any given moment – we are a miraculous creation that will adjust. Beautiful adjustments take time so it’s important to keep our spirits up and continue to fight when we don’t see or feel results. Something is in store, something restored.

Sink into your sanctuary.

Walk in fearlessly, get comfortable and honest. And then ask your refreshed, revitalized self, “Will you stay awhile?”

-Sadianne Joyce