Tag: self love

My Testimony

 

close up colors landscape picture“The Lord is my Shepard – I lack nothing.

He makes me lie down in green pastures.

He leads me besides the still waters.

He restores my soul.

He leads me to paths of righteousness.”

He makes me. He leads me. He restores me.

There was no other way. Every day and especially come night, I had a relationship with God – he came in to protect me. When I think of my childhood I think of my Mother. She had an energy about her that gave me safety. Even when her environment was unsafe, my Mother didn’t allow fear to cross her. Gods protection reminded me of my Mom, but I knew with Gods protection that it wasn’t just me that was kept safe, it was both her and I, my sister, my Father, everyone surrounding me – which made my relationship with God a priority. It’s as if he came to me and I surrendered. I knew that all would be okay as long as I followed this feeling and trusted a higher form of care. As a kid our relationship felt like the greatest, private tale of all time, yet it was real. It was existing, sometimes a gut feeling – I didn’t know precisely what this love was, but I knew I would never move in the opposite direction. And it carried me all the way to the next chapters of my life. When I think of my life and the testimony that belongs to me, there is not a certain moment that was a defining moment. My testimony has lived within me since I came to understand the safety that followed after I allowed God to take care of my family and I. Prayer would blossom out of me. I wasn’t taken to church religiously, but my mind understood the beautiful, miraculous wonders that something much larger had to of been the Creator. I wasn’t religious in terms of following a set of rules but I had an undeniable, personal relationship that I embrace to this day. Spirituality is my movement. Everyone around me knew that my experiences were outside the ordinary for a child my age, I grew up fast. I had no other choice, the same way God came in and took care of my life. Our safety. He made me lay down, rest, and realize he was the only one who could restore all of the hurt, fight and confusion.

My mom received a phone call, I heard the detective on the other line tell her to turn around, they found him. “Where is he?” My Mother asked. The detective responded and told her he would speak to her in person. I pushed my head into the seat and prayed the hardest I’ve ever prayed in my life. In that moment I felt the presence of God surround my being. It was clarification, understanding and knowing that the feeling I’ve been feeling, came over my body in full. I was no longer having just a taste of what my relationship was, I became fulfilled. I prayed so hard I could barely breathe. It was my initial reaction, to speak to God. To let him know that I am here. I am with him. He let me know he was with me.

“Please. Let him be okay.” I whispered. I would soon find out that he was. He was no longer in pain. No longer addicted. No longer fighting control. As I prayed, I felt as if my Dad was taking my hair, tucking it behind my ear, rocking me back and forth, telling me, “I am okay. And you will be too. Your mom. Your sister. The days to come. The man who will fill in. I am not far, I am here with you. I hear you, not in the way I used to. But you are all knowing and you will never go a day without my attention.”

The rest of the night is a blur. It could have been the tears covering my eyes or the sound of the scream I heard from my Mom when the detective told her they found my father dead. I stayed in the car when she went in to have the conversation. Looking at my sister in her car seat I wondered how this could be. Tears fell from my face, my sister in my arms. This was now my battlefield. His hurt is gone and ours will worsen for some time. But because God is with me, I will never fail, the pain will not last, understanding will come over my heart, it will take years but it will come. I will never lose sight of the proof that we have a protective God. My fathers death was a grudge that I held for awhile. Sadness turned into anger and anger turned into anxiety.

I fought to forgive my Father for all he has missed and all he will miss out on, for the love I poured from my small being, feeling as if I could have done better… Wishing I would have done more… I forgave him. For making my Mother a warrior, not because she wanted to be but because she had to be, she was a survivor while sometimes feeling like she was losing. I forgave him for leaving. He left me with the most powerful lesson. He didn’t leave me empty handed and I often wonder if he as well, had a relation with God that offered pure peace. It took me a long time to realize this. He introduced the purest, most powerful love. And this is where my strength comes from, the relationship I had with God as a young age. It wasn’t because of the experiences I went through but because of the faith my small being had. Sometimes we go through ultimate darkness so we are made to kneel down, to have one choice but to give ourselves to the one who holds reason and I made the choice to do so. Even when it didn’t make sense, it does now. And I understand that I have been encountering God in special ways ever since.

With arms wide open and a broken heart, anger in my soul, misunderstanding when happiness was present, unknowingly defending all pain, carefully taking myself out of joyful situations because it felt too good to be true, I remembered that this is not what God would want for me. And most certainly not my Father, who wished with his entire being – to give me the very best. I not only forgave my Dad. I forgave myself and let the weights drift from my shoulders. I let go and let God in, again, again and again. And each time I would find that same feeling of guidance, fulfillment, a sense that I was being waited for. Restoration occurred and I am now the woman I am today because of the witness I grew up to be. There is no other way, there is no other choice, God is the center of my life, and the reason as to why the gospel I take in is so moving.

I pray that those who have their own testimony share their voice with others. I pray that those receiving, dance to the gospel.

I pray that those who have not had the opportunity to experience such a relationship, open their hearts and realize the rest will follow.

Trust in this.

The rest will follow.

-Sadianne Joyce

“It takes courage to give voice to what we experience, the way a coyote howls: not just out of hunger, but out of visceral joy at being a part of the infinite secret revealed. In this way, we’re angels wrapped in skin and fur, racing through thicket after thicket because we sense what can’t be seen all around us.” -M. Nepo

Butterflies in the Morning

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I have a special place in my heart for the kind of words that make me slow down and feel. My little sister woke up one morning and looked at me, with a warm smile she exhaled “I have butterflies” I smiled and asked why. “Just because, it’s a new day.” I laughed in admiration. “I’m so excited when I wake up. Even if my only plan is to clean my room.” Time around me paused. When was the last time I woke up and felt excited to clean my room? It’s been awhile, but why has it been so long?

An entire shift in my being was felt that morning. I looked at my sister and felt proud to call her mine. I suppose we all have this option, to feel alive in the morning, whether we are morning people are not, which I most certainly am not – but this doesn’t mean that I can’t flutter within. I too am capable, to acknowledge opportunity and declare the good that’s to come. This is the season where better things are in store. I feel it within. Through the challenges we’ve faced together and the obstacles I’ve fought personally, I’m on my way. To get to our best days we must live through our hardest.

It comes down to perspective. We’ve all known challenge, this world-wide pandemic makes that obvious, but it’s somehow comforting that we’re in it together. A slow reminder that we’re all human. We desire to be heard, cared for, safe under each-other. Our personal obstacles can be shifted into perspective of opportunity. Chance. Time dedicated to fight and seek the reward. We all wake with a choice to be made – It takes the same amount of energy to focus on fear, worry and the thought of failure that it does to live in faith, hope and dedication to make our day worthy.

“The moment you feel joy, the moment you laugh and change your perception, you change your immunity, your body chemistry, and your whole well-being.” D. Mridha

As the sun shows it’s first light, possibility follows. Asking to be grasped. The time has come, and what’s in store is aligned in perfect reason. As my faith expands, my spirit follows. And as I rise, the butterflies will dance.

-Sadianne Joyce

Pure Existence

When I dig down to my roots I find a girl with expression in her eyes. Story that hurts. Small moments that take place in deep memory because then, it meant more than I ever thought it would. Memories that swing in the breeze, like a careless child – innocent for just a few moments until the swing comes to a stop. Waiting patiently for someone to launch me to the sky again so that a few short moments feel whimsical. My stomach drops. My stomach aches from joy. My stomach becomes nauseated watching everything around me spin.

I’ve grown since the last time my body was launched to the sky, my hair falling back in a loose mess. I’ve grown but my roots still take me to this place. The highs and the lows. The force and the stop.

I was in a safe place, yet my hands still gripped the rope. I’d look down as if there were sharks jumping at my feet. I’d look up as if the branch would snap. I looked ahead and knew this was the feeling of pure existence. This is what it means to be alive.

Back and forth. In circles. Sometimes a twist. Although movement was everywhere, the safest place to be was riding the breeze. If I stayed put I knew I’d be able to find joy in the unknown. The imagination. Even the worry and doubt.

For a moment, when I really tried to focus, I could. I’d see someone ahead of me – the person pushing me. Everything else besides them was a blur. Focus was available even when everything else was full speed.

Dear God – Thank you for showing up. For aligning me into the perfect position to seek you. When everything around me feels rapid, too fast or even too slow… When the world seems out of control – I come back to this place. I remind myself of my roots. The girl staring at you reflects everything you created, placed with experiences to help her get to this place now. The highs to enjoy and the lows to focus on possibility. Restoration. To trust that all structure you build is strong enough to hold. That any direction I go, a crash will not succeed. All the emotions I once felt and all the moments of pure existence held reason. I am stronger. Braver. Trusting. There is challenge and there is reward. There is love and there is loss. God – may I never forget to seek you in moments of need. May I never forget to let my hair down. May I always come to focus on the one thing that stays constant while everything else continues to move.

Existence can be gut wrenchingly beautiful. But you already know that.

Amen.

-Sadianne Joyce

Fluency Exposed

Our language will be heard. Will it be understood? A chance we decide to take. One I admittedly love to take. There’s something alluring about walking into an environment and offering all I can be in true expression. There’s nothing more and nothing less that I can give when I am true to everything within. When I speak in a language that only aligns with all I am and all I can be, I soon experience who reciprocates.

Who speaks my language? The ones who understand without actual words. Energy that weaves through present space with ease and communion. Hearts that comfort. A shoulder to lean on without needing to ask. The ones who see simplicity as the greatest luxury. Everything materialistic will never hold the substance that something intangible can. Rhythms that sync and heartbeats to dance to. Foundation of trust and respect that’s constant. Passion that drips over conversations that impact and shift. Understanding that hard work is not only done in a workplace but personally. Value in existence radiates. Those who show up and are undeniably authentic to all that has shaped them. The creators, the artists, the enthusiasts. The ones who celebrate what calls directly to their heart. The ones who celebrate loudly and are unashamed of where their attention admires. The ones who bravely grasp onto what calls them near, even if others do not see the same beauty. The explorers. The ones who have sights, stories and poetic prose tucked carefully in safekeeping of their hearts. An example, an inspiring figure that takes up space in ones own style. A good character who only uses judgement from divine intuition. Those who are easy on themselves, loving always, even when it’s hard. Hearts that are whole, yet have room. Forgiveness and wisdom goes hand in hand. The ones who respond in vulnerability. The ones who expose challenges, knowing that support is not a sign of weakness but a battle to be fought together. The ones who keep faith near and trust in the process. Knowing that our connection alone holds significance, rhyme and reason.

If reciprocation does not take place it is not a time to feel alone. It is a time to celebrate differences, pure formation in truth. Take any failed connection as higher purpose guiding. Take any confused comprehension as understanding that it was never meant to be interpreted. Not everyone is meant for us and this is a beautiful part of life. Not every aspect of life is supposed to reflect perfection. Trust in this. Carry on. And always, continue to speak your language.

Fluently so.

-Sadianne Joyce

Joining Forces

Within all change is great character. We are always on our way. As I trust the process always, I break into this new season of bloom walking with the same heart that will never stop loving, the same soul that will never stop expressing. Except older, bigger, stronger.

I’ve been content with my present giving the time ahead a feeling of home. An understanding that vulnerability can be one of the most beautiful strengths. A knowing that my love is enough and more. A worth that continues to walk through all wrong intentions. A guidance from people who know my heart.

“I was meant to be experienced differently. I am not a friend you have had before, I am not a lover you have loved before, I am me.” 

When you experience me you will be experiencing my full truth. I am here for it all. This time better than ever. Even when I don’t feel ready, I will be. Even when I am not fearless, I will be brave. Even when I do not understand, I will listen.

To those in my life, I wish to reflect the good that I see in you. The unique craft that I admire, I wish to enhance by speaking upon and complimenting all you have to offer. I wish to be the balance on a warm day, offering shade and a breeze to keep you cool.

I want those I love to feel big, free and open in their truth as I have grown to express mine. Take up space, I want you here. Even when I am content and quiet, you are made of great company. The experiences that have shaped you are valid and even when it seems hard, let’s join forces to make it easier.

My heart feels freely and beats not only for myself but for those around me. How I exchange my emotions, realness and energy with others, will result in life. My life is beautiful because I choose to see the breathtaking view. I hear the song because I listen to the music. I dance without care because I know what’s worth worry. I am surrounded by love because of the people that mirror what I give.

Gratitude within me overflows, blossoms and becomes an energy surrounding me.

Thank what you have – it’s meant to be yours.
Thank what is not reciprocated – there is purpose.
Thank what has passed – you are growing.
Thank what’s to come – trust in the process.

The beauty of this all is so perpetual. 

-Sadianne Joyce

Watch me as I go

Take a moment to remember where you come from. What you have seen. The experiences you’ve gone through alone and with others. After remembering, I like to let go. I can’t let go completely – the miles I have traveled brought me to the person I am today. Some moments are so monumental that I can never forget. But the miles I have traveled are not meant to keep me consumed. They are meant to take me places. Places that have been waiting for me. And I, traveling to them.

The sky pink. I wanted to reach out and wear it. Knowing the tone would compliment my cheeks that blush so easily. The crescent moon soon, so shyly and innocently will let my silver jewelry catch light to shine. Etta James on the radio escaping out of the windows I prefer down in words of “A Sunday Kind of Love”
My hands grasping the steering wheel, lightly. The soft atmosphere accompanied my long drive. The length of time my tires were on the road wasn’t discriminated and I was at ease.
My movement spoke in the way of a child on a summer day “Catch me if you can.” and like the woman deserving of love and love only, on this day “Watch me as I go.”

To beautiful heights and freedom brushing my hair. If I am alone please don’t mistake me as lonely. A life given of breathtaking wonder, I stand tall and in charge of my worth. Paving a path where no trail has ever been. I walk in understanding validation cannot come from outside sources. I find it from within, the fulfillment that I seek. There is nurturing that I must complete and acceptance I must give. There is beauty to be seen and admiration to be felt. I have this power to extend my heart because I am whole, I am one and I have everything I need.

Dig if you must, get your hands dirty to refine and define. Be your own muse and your own greatest company. Celebrate those who have bravery in their souls to allow space in being exactly what their heart desires. Become inspired by the personal style and story others carry. Let it be your pleasure by giving yourself the same amount of freedom. Self acceptance is self love. Never hide all that you discover. Let it float to surface and embrace it in confidence.

Love yourself until your heart is overflowing. There is no capacity. Your heart will overflow and I wish that you let it. Allow yourself to overflow in worthiness, you will be felt by those around you. They will be able to indulge in what you have to offer without making you any less of who you are.

Be consumed for who you are. Step out and know that the path is yours. You decide what is on the sidelines, you decide your pace, you decide how beautiful you perceive the sight to be. Any door you enter will be presented with purpose and authenticity. Stand in love. Sway with the wind. Be wild with your truth and never apologize for the freedom you speak.

Let me admire. Let me inspire. I will do so anyway. My distinctive aura and my exclusive love invites you in. The true you. The real you. The unedited and one of a kind you.

-Sadianne Joyce

Nourishment in Imperfection

“Fill your bowl to the brim and it will spill. Keep sharpening your knife and it will blunt. Chase after money and serenity and your heart will never unclench. Care about peoples approval and you will be their prisoner.” Lao Tzu

Trying to reach perfection can steal time in admiring what already is. Acceptance isn’t an easy task and can often be hard to understand. Acceptance comes from a place deep within our hearts. It is respecting the fact that situations rarely go the way we imagine. There are aspects of ourselves that we wish were different. There are traits in others we would change if we could. Acceptance is finding flaws to pamper with love by whispering “It’s okay.”

Personally, imperfection inspires me. I love the truth behind being nervous before saying something I truly mean. The absence of practice before performing a task. Feeling creative and free enough to design without a template. Dancing without hearing any music. Feeling without regret. This is what makes life beautiful, all the risk and freedom we give ourselves when we allow ourselves to be. Being inspired by all I cannot change brings me closer to my relationship with God – I have a sense of belonging when I walk in authenticity. I find beauty in the unknown when I step forward in faith. If we were meant to be perfect, we would be. Be confident in all your perks – rare emotions – stories that bring others closer to laughter than seriousness – the feel-good days AND the days you wish to stay in – feeling deeply on a topic when others glance over – stay unapologetic and never feel the need to shrink yourself smaller to fit into the comfort of someone else. Believe that you are enough even when others put expectation and weight on being more than what you can give.

When I was away at school there was a moment of admiration when I learned about Kintsukuroi. Kintsukuroi stayed with me throughout the years as a reminder that flaws are an art form. In Japan they began filling broken pottery with gold. When a piece was broken they didn’t see it as an outcome of failure, they saw it as an opportunity to create something even more beautiful than it was before the hardship.

Movement of making something more beautiful and accepted after being flawed is a way of life. Never feel that you have fallen short after being your true self. You are capable of wide greatness in all that you are. Everything you need is within you and it is extraordinary. Developing and practicing this mindset allows you to admire the truth, love with kindness and understand that even when a situation doesn’t end in the way we thought it would, there is rooted purpose into higher creation. Imperfection does not ruin – it interests, enhances and speaks life into who we are and what we stand for.

Nourish the parts that shy away because they do not appear to be perfected. Like talents, our imperfections set us apart with the blessing in what defines our individual purpose.

-Sadianne Joyce

Normality is a paved road: It’s comfortable to walk, but no flowers grow -Vincent van Gogh

A Hummingbird’s Reflection

I remember sitting carefully watching a hummingbird fly in and out of my view. How can a rib cage that small protect a heart that is so vital for survival? How is it possible that something so tiny be so full of life, fast and ready for flight? The color in the feathers gleamed with a glow that felt outside of realities possibilities. The movement of it’s wings were sound of vibration. This small being moved in balance of ease and determination, knowing it was capable.

If a hummingbird were to fly into war, I imagine that all would stop and soon gather around its graceful movement. An intriguing presence would make the battle hush and all would factor the delicacy of its being. Silence would overcome any battleground and because they chose to hear the music, they would be in awe of the noise its body made.

A realization takes place when we mirror the importance of existence. If we wonder upon others with such observation and elegance, it’ll be easier to focus on our equality of worth. We often lack an understanding of empathy. Empathy is often mistaken as wrong or weakness. It’s possible that we are used to living in a world of controversy, judgement and expectation. When we forget to show sensitivity towards others we are forgetting to love the very creation of what brought us all here. Every judgement we make, assumption or fight we choose – we are deciding to be a reflection of that very decision. Whether we choose to see beauty or darkness, the result will speak on our own existence and reflect in our own being. Whether we become better or bitter, we will become the energy of our own response. Our capability of embracing the worth of even small beings – such as a hummingbird, will be felt. Our capabilities will allow us to attract or repel. Grow or stay.

We may see something, a place or person and question upon it’s depth – how in the world can something be so breathtaking? How can something that cannot speak make me understand? How can a sight take away all my words even when I am not speaking? How can someone silence a room just by the energy of their presence? The answer is simple, we can find it in our own reflection of this astounding possibility. By the beauty we choose to see, by the depths we decide to explore, by the risk we brave, by those we surround ourselves with and by simple care of even the small, we mirror what we take away. We determine the power we give our reflection.

When I see something as delicate and beautiful as a hummingbird I allow myself to be in wonder of all that it is and all that I am. The way we question the possibility of something else’s beauty, know that we are worth the same amount of admiration.

Let a monument feel more monumental because you are standing upon it. Know that you are an experience – people will carry your heart in their own. Awaken others by stepping out and into the light by being God created refinement. Be so loving children and animals can’t help but rest their head in your peace. Treat your heart as if it was protected between the size of a hummingbirds rib cages, worship your delicacy, mirror the strength.

Let us fly into war and come out survivalists because we chose to see the beauty and be the beauty.

-Sadianne Joyce

In the way I show up

Full of spoken words that make people turn their head when they listen. Thinking, wondering.
“How does she so, accurately know about life, love, loss”
Full of spoken words that make people rest their head when they listen. Trusting, relaxing.

“I LOVE RAWNESS SO MUCH. FALSELY STARTED SENTENCES, MISSPELLED WORDS, THINGS THAT YOU CANNOT SAY, THAT YOU HAVE NO WORDS FOR. THE WAY A PERSON’S VOICE CRACKS UP WHEN THEY SING. THE WAY YOU SEE WRINKLES BENEATH THE EYES OF SOMEONE OLDER EACH TIME THEY SMILE. IT MAKES ME BELIEVE THAT EVERYTHING DOESN’T HAVE TO BE PERFECT, BUT IT’S FINE. IT IS WHAT MAKES US ALL HUMAN. UNFILTERED. HONEST. IT MAKES ME BELIEVE IN LIFE AGAIN, REMINDING ME THAT THERE ARE STILL A LOT OF BEAUTIFUL THINGS LEFT IN THIS WORLD.”

This is all I can be, this is all I’m supposed to be. Allow my pure truth to give you the same freedom in being exactly who you are. I wish to have the bravery to continue on in this way – movement in honesty and movement in raw expression. When you accept me for all that I am, I accept you in all that you are.

We all know more than we allow ourselves to speak on… This is because we are fearsome of being judged. We are fearsome of showing that we’ve experienced so much. We are set back when others have strong emotions because we are not used to speaking upon them. We hold ourselves back from asking questions because then we become vulnerable. When we are vulnerable we are stepping into the light our comfort is not used to. What if we are rejected? What if the answer is not what we had planned to hear?

AS LONG AS YOU’RE TRUE TO YOURSELF, NOTHING ELSE MATTERS – AS LONG AS YOU’RE TRUE TO YOURSELF, YOU ARE ON THE PATH TO SUCCESS.

I am inspired by many things in this life of mine, but not one thing inspires me more than people. Their craft, the way they talk, how they understand, what they create and how their body moves to what attracts them near. We are delicate pieces of a life so huge, we must take care of each other. It’s so easy to hate when we could have greater growth in love. I’ve witnessed many people feel misunderstood because they don’t have a connection with someone who understands in the way they wish to be understood… Sometimes that is nearly impossible, but just because we don’t understand doesn’t mean that we cannot try.

There’s nothing I trust more than someone who is willing to be themselves regardless of the circumstance. There’s nothing I find more attractive than a genuine, expressive heart. When we allow ourselves to be in our most candid and vulnerable state, we are opening a pathway for others to feel the same. On this path I have met some of the most beautiful souls. My greatest friendships have come with the art of sharing. Find these people. Love these people. Be transparent and watch how many will follow and feel free because of it. Allow your people to come to you – Let them bring you anything under the sun, and when you are gifted with the knowing of what that may be, reciprocate in listening, appreciating and never judging. There is a trust that’s gained when we show we aren’t trying to be perfect, that we are arms wide open, saying “accept me not in the way you want me to be, but in the way I show up…”

I am in awe of you.

-Sadianne Joyce

This life. Our life. Your life. My life.

Look around you. Do you like what you see? Are your surroundings making you feel alive? What is shaping you? What is continuing to feed you? What are you able to offer because of it? Are you proud to be surrounded by what you encounter?

It’s inevitable, one day we will no longer be here… But for now you will find that we take up space, exist in an environment and make choices the second we wake. Do we live each day embracing the fact that all of this could be taken away? Do we choose to think positive thoughts that gleam out of our faces like sun beams that others can bask in… do we listen to music that make our souls come alive and have no choice but to dance… do we look at people with admiration for their unique craft, without judgement and offer a smile that can change their day… Do we cry without regret as it is a reminder that we are alive and capable of emotions that will shift… Do we laugh without worry that someone else may hear even if we are alone… Do we express in fearlessness and without approval… Do we continue to love when we’ve been hurt… Every morning, afternoon and night there is beauty to find. The sun rises to give us another chance, the afternoon settles us into existence with support to keep going. The night leads us home with guiding stars that never ask for anything in return.

To me, life is about taking risks to receive the small rewards and the greatest luxuries by simply being alive. Feeling it all form into a masterpiece of existence. I’ve never focused all of my reward on a shiny gold metal or judgement by someone else who says “I approve” or “you made it” – but rather small and free moments that warm my heart in a way nothing materialistic or bought can.

Time is now. One of the many things I’ve learned in this life is that we have control over one thing, now. The only thing we have control over our past is the time it steals in our present. The only thing we have control over our future is the freedom we give it currently. There is a balance between risk and grace, once we let go and take a stand in the now… everything falls into place. Taking a step back can really be making a move forward.

By taking a step back right now… What do you notice? What do you feel? What would make it better? Who can you forgive? What no longer needs to be remembered? Who needs a prayer? Here and now breathe in the present knowing one day you wont have it. Continue forward on choosing what will enhance this life. Our life. Your life. My life. Wake with trust and faith – knowing that everyday is a miracle for us to be given a chance to feel. To love. To see. To hear. To make a change. To risk. To stay. To leave. To take a stand.

-Sadianne Joyce