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My Testimony

 

close up colors landscape picture“The Lord is my Shepard – I lack nothing.

He makes me lie down in green pastures.

He leads me besides the still waters.

He restores my soul.

He leads me to paths of righteousness.”

He makes me. He leads me. He restores me.

There was no other way. Every day and especially come night, I had a relationship with God – he came in to protect me. When I think of my childhood I think of my Mother. She had an energy about her that gave me safety. Even when her environment was unsafe, my Mother didn’t allow fear to cross her. Gods protection reminded me of my Mom, but I knew with Gods protection that it wasn’t just me that was kept safe, it was both her and I, my sister, my Father, everyone surrounding me – which made my relationship with God a priority. It’s as if he came to me and I surrendered. I knew that all would be okay as long as I followed this feeling and trusted a higher form of care. As a kid our relationship felt like the greatest, private tale of all time, yet it was real. It was existing, sometimes a gut feeling – I didn’t know precisely what this love was, but I knew I would never move in the opposite direction. And it carried me all the way to the next chapters of my life. When I think of my life and the testimony that belongs to me, there is not a certain moment that was a defining moment. My testimony has lived within me since I came to understand the safety that followed after I allowed God to take care of my family and I. Prayer would blossom out of me. I wasn’t taken to church religiously, but my mind understood the beautiful, miraculous wonders that something much larger had to of been the Creator. I wasn’t religious in terms of following a set of rules but I had an undeniable, personal relationship that I embrace to this day. Spirituality is my movement. Everyone around me knew that my experiences were outside the ordinary for a child my age, I grew up fast. I had no other choice, the same way God came in and took care of my life. Our safety. He made me lay down, rest, and realize he was the only one who could restore all of the hurt, fight and confusion.

My mom received a phone call, I heard the detective on the other line tell her to turn around, they found him. “Where is he?” My Mother asked. The detective responded and told her he would speak to her in person. I pushed my head into the seat and prayed the hardest I’ve ever prayed in my life. In that moment I felt the presence of God surround my being. It was clarification, understanding and knowing that the feeling I’ve been feeling, came over my body in full. I was no longer having just a taste of what my relationship was, I became fulfilled. I prayed so hard I could barely breathe. It was my initial reaction, to speak to God. To let him know that I am here. I am with him. He let me know he was with me.

“Please. Let him be okay.” I whispered. I would soon find out that he was. He was no longer in pain. No longer addicted. No longer fighting control. As I prayed, I felt as if my Dad was taking my hair, tucking it behind my ear, rocking me back and forth, telling me, “I am okay. And you will be too. Your mom. Your sister. The days to come. The man who will fill in. I am not far, I am here with you. I hear you, not in the way I used to. But you are all knowing and you will never go a day without my attention.”

The rest of the night is a blur. It could have been the tears covering my eyes or the sound of the scream I heard from my Mom when the detective told her they found my father dead. I stayed in the car when she went in to have the conversation. Looking at my sister in her car seat I wondered how this could be. Tears fell from my face, my sister in my arms. This was now my battlefield. His hurt is gone and ours will worsen for some time. But because God is with me, I will never fail, the pain will not last, understanding will come over my heart, it will take years but it will come. I will never lose sight of the proof that we have a protective God. My fathers death was a grudge that I held for awhile. Sadness turned into anger and anger turned into anxiety.

I fought to forgive my Father for all he has missed and all he will miss out on, for the love I poured from my small being, feeling as if I could have done better… Wishing I would have done more… I forgave him. For making my Mother a warrior, not because she wanted to be but because she had to be, she was a survivor while sometimes feeling like she was losing. I forgave him for leaving. He left me with the most powerful lesson. He didn’t leave me empty handed and I often wonder if he as well, had a relation with God that offered pure peace. It took me a long time to realize this. He introduced the purest, most powerful love. And this is where my strength comes from, the relationship I had with God as a young age. It wasn’t because of the experiences I went through but because of the faith my small being had. Sometimes we go through ultimate darkness so we are made to kneel down, to have one choice but to give ourselves to the one who holds reason and I made the choice to do so. Even when it didn’t make sense, it does now. And I understand that I have been encountering God in special ways ever since.

With arms wide open and a broken heart, anger in my soul, misunderstanding when happiness was present, unknowingly defending all pain, carefully taking myself out of joyful situations because it felt too good to be true, I remembered that this is not what God would want for me. And most certainly not my Father, who wished with his entire being – to give me the very best. I not only forgave my Dad. I forgave myself and let the weights drift from my shoulders. I let go and let God in, again, again and again. And each time I would find that same feeling of guidance, fulfillment, a sense that I was being waited for. Restoration occurred and I am now the woman I am today because of the witness I grew up to be. There is no other way, there is no other choice, God is the center of my life, and the reason as to why the gospel I take in is so moving.

I pray that those who have their own testimony share their voice with others. I pray that those receiving, dance to the gospel.

I pray that those who have not had the opportunity to experience such a relationship, open their hearts and realize the rest will follow.

Trust in this.

The rest will follow.

-Sadianne Joyce

“It takes courage to give voice to what we experience, the way a coyote howls: not just out of hunger, but out of visceral joy at being a part of the infinite secret revealed. In this way, we’re angels wrapped in skin and fur, racing through thicket after thicket because we sense what can’t be seen all around us.” -M. Nepo

Building Tables Instead of Walls

If someone doesn’t relate to the amount of emotion I feel, I will not discredit them. My spirit will remain touched. My source of passion comes from a place of love, and I’ve always said my love is my strongest quality. I will always inform from a place of sincerity and I will always speak when it is beneficial to the quiet that lingers.

I often have to ease into my thoughts before becoming overwhelmed. Empathy, as wonderful as it is to have, no one warns you that it hurts. I once felt that my level of empathy was a problem, especially when I was feeling for scenarios and people that didn’t relate to me personally. I am realizing that this is not a personal problem, it’s a worldly problem and I’m feeling with reason. I feel because I am reacting and I am reacting to something very real. If I could, I’d take away my emotion by taking away the problems – But until the problems are gone, I will continue to feel. I wont be afraid to express and show why my body hurts for others or why my voice speaks for those who are too tired. I will listen although I may not understand. I’ve once been asked how I stay so positive, and it’s not that I never have bad days, or that I never feel down, because I do. Instead I do my best to focus on love over the hate. And sometimes love is taking the time to unravel why something escalates and explodes. Sometimes feeling hurts, but to feel is to heal.

I once read something written by Dr.Powell that comforted me and made me feel validation and connection to others that may relate. “When your body responds to it being cold by the hair standing up, or if you get that gut feeling that something isn’t quite right, your body does a very good job of telling you when something isn’t right. The feeling of anger, frustration, and rage that accompanies moments like this – it’s when we don’t feel it, when we’ve become so numb, habituated, or normalized to it, that’s when we know that there is a problem.”

I won’t build walls, I will build tables – and then I will ask all people, of all backgrounds, religion, genders and races to join me over existence in true communion. I wish to continue my walk into life as a safe place, a support system, a home for comfort and compassion.

Lord I pray, that throughout our living earth we see each other and feel each other as one. Ignite our hearts in places of expression, emotion and change. Let us come together in peace, but in strength. Let us understand that one wrong man doesn’t mirror every man. Let us speak for those who no longer can, let us change the world together and for the better by believing that we can. Let us exchange love and pass each other in love. Let us be reminded that through all things, you Lord, created us to be capable.

Amen.

When we factor the lives of each other, embrace our differences and our conditions of existence, we can stand as one.

We don’t have to fight each other.

We can fight together.

-Sadianne Joyce

Butterflies in the Morning

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I have a special place in my heart for the kind of words that make me slow down and feel. My little sister woke up one morning and looked at me, with a warm smile she exhaled “I have butterflies” I smiled and asked why. “Just because, it’s a new day.” I laughed in admiration. “I’m so excited when I wake up. Even if my only plan is to clean my room.” Time around me paused. When was the last time I woke up and felt excited to clean my room? It’s been awhile, but why has it been so long?

An entire shift in my being was felt that morning. I looked at my sister and felt proud to call her mine. I suppose we all have this option, to feel alive in the morning, whether we are morning people are not, which I most certainly am not – but this doesn’t mean that I can’t flutter within. I too am capable, to acknowledge opportunity and declare the good that’s to come. This is the season where better things are in store. I feel it within. Through the challenges we’ve faced together and the obstacles I’ve fought personally, I’m on my way. To get to our best days we must live through our hardest.

It comes down to perspective. We’ve all known challenge, this world-wide pandemic makes that obvious, but it’s somehow comforting that we’re in it together. A slow reminder that we’re all human. We desire to be heard, cared for, safe under each-other. Our personal obstacles can be shifted into perspective of opportunity. Chance. Time dedicated to fight and seek the reward. We all wake with a choice to be made – It takes the same amount of energy to focus on fear, worry and the thought of failure that it does to live in faith, hope and dedication to make our day worthy.

“The moment you feel joy, the moment you laugh and change your perception, you change your immunity, your body chemistry, and your whole well-being.” D. Mridha

As the sun shows it’s first light, possibility follows. Asking to be grasped. The time has come, and what’s in store is aligned in perfect reason. As my faith expands, my spirit follows. And as I rise, the butterflies will dance.

-Sadianne Joyce

November’s Essence

“It was November – the month of crimson sunsets, parting birds, deep, sad hymns of the sea, passionate wind-songs in the pines. Ann roamed through the pine-land alleys in the park and, as she said, let that great sweeping wind blow the fogs out of her soul.” -L.M. Montgomery

Leaves dance with ease, but not before shedding from the branches to then riding the breeze. A journey of essential transformation. I will let the breeze that feels like future frost ride through my body. There’s something thrilling about this current environment, standing outside of our bodies contentment. We must shift, gather strength and find ease.

I’ve always admired this season of my life, all that it teaches me. I will mirror the wild of November’s essence. May I be unapologetic to the transformation that must take place in order to become what’s in store. I will release and I will gain. I will define the beauty of what we cannot control, the freedom of shifting. The adjustment that’s needed in order for new purpose. I will dance with the breeze, I will inhale the cold shifting from fall into winter and I will find the warmth. I will not take the undressing of what once bloomed as a loss. I will not slip into worry and doubt. I will embrace nature in it’s most natural way – resting in God’s creation. I will listen to His voice when I am told to adjust and then trust.

When this voice is heard, it may not be what we prefer, it may not be warm, it may not be easy but it will embody purpose. Sometimes we deserve to just sit back and let blessed realizations come to us. When we answer calls from God we give all the harvesting we’ve done room to manifest.

With mornings that begin in darkness, the stars will still shine bright later come night. And with long nights, the sun will still rise and shine through the cracks of my curtains the next morning in the familiar spots I’ve observed. These small moments of enlightenment will remind me that through all I endure, beauty will still find me… When morning begins colder and nights rush to become darker, I can change my perspective from loss to opportunity in gaining creativity to build my own temple of a cozy, safe landing.

Seasons never alter drastically, but rather slowly. They take their time – without rush but still in confidence. Approvals are not needed, they will change regardless of where you stand or how you try to prevent what is made to happen. Your new season will lead up, carrying essentials and gems. Memories of what was let go of and advances of what was learned. Love and lesson. Wholeness and defining moments.

For me, a defining moment happened while I was writing this, in a quiet coffee shop, everything around me was still. My body cold. Wondering what’s next? How do I answer questions I don’t understand? And then a gentle thought told me, “this is it. The season is new and so are you.”

Jazz filled the room, existence around me started to dance and gleam… My soul was feeling restoration of warmth fill in places I was unaware needed nurturing. Questions I don’t hold the answers to are not worthy of worry, instead God steps in.

Let us remember the very design of faith – in moments of stillness, He is working on movement. In places we are cold, warmth is on it’s way. In any void, He will fill. In any shift, He is there waiting.

“This is it. The season is new and so are you.”

-Sadianne Joyce

Thicker Skin and a Softer Heart

The air of October has always found a home against my spine – riding through my body and settling in places warmth fights to find. I value this feeling as it reminds me of what being alive is – to feel. To shiver. To fight. To seek comfort. To conquer.

On this day October 14th, my father was born. Happy Birthday to the man who taught me what forgiveness means, who taught me fight, who helped me understand that not all questions can be answered but faith will live on as long as we wear it like armor. Rest in peace to the man who deserved the rest, freedom, the answers to what I’ve accepted will never make sense. October will always speak to me like a long lost friend – or a long lost enemy, I’m not sure which feels more fitting. This month holds a memorable place in my heart. The same heart that has softened throughout the years, the heart that is guarded by skin that has become thick and capable of anything, with or without fear.

One of our greatest strengths is courage to seek beauty even when life doesn’t represent the miraculous creation that it is. Many will wake to days where this seems impossible, many will continue to rise and try again, without knowing why. Some will give up and some will succeed. There are no promises of what will happen next, what the day will bring, who will be here and who will be gone. These thoughts used to scare me. They used to shift me into anxiousness, until I realized that through fear, grit, fight and tears I will always be ready. I will fight for those who didn’t know how. I will listen to those who feel unheard. I will reach my hand to those falling and I’ll get on the ground to be a ladder into higher perspective. I’ll do all of this by simply existing in each day to my fullest potential, remembering where I came from and who I am today.

I’ve become balanced, understanding and reminiscing right from wrong. I’ve come to solid ground, standing here – tall and demanding of standards that will continue to rise. Expectations to gather in healthy relationships, environments and expression. I will never be without this, I have a promise to keep.

In just a few days, October 17th will mark the day my father passed away. The day that has brought me to these thoughts today. The day that has shaped me. The day he gave up and the day I stood up.

I’ve learned and will continue to cherish the fight we all have within us. The value that keeps us defined and the worth of what we allow in our lives. I will embrace everything that has happened to me and all that’s to come. To being capable of feeling. To being capable of loving. To being capable of seeing a future yet embracing the present with grateful presence. To celebrations, whether small or large. To the appreciation of free joys that make life priceless. To intentional movement. To growth. To honesty. To God. To loss. To gain. To excelling. To being supported. To my guardians. To my being.

My existence that was created by my Mother and my Father. By fierce passion and burning desire – all stories come to an end but a new beginning is always around the corner.

-Sadianne Joyce

Sweeter.

Through years, healing, light and dark – a resting place within me has developed. A house, a feeling of comfort. A reflection of the peace I seek only to find within. Even on an unknown road, if I focus on the ease and love flowing beneath my skin and the depth through any structure – I am still. Safe. Satisfied. In all conditions, an environment will be adaptable by choosing my response.

A drive with a view can be tasteful, but a drive with a view can be sweeter, by doing one simple gesture… Pulling over to indulge in the sight. Allowing time to feel paused. There is no thought or worry focused on the movement of tires, because time is now.

There is a view, a life, a home deep within that craves a visit. If we do not take the time to stop and pave the way to this resting place, we will be unable to grasp the only thing we have – now. We will see it in the rear view, without carrying on with genuine intention of what’s next.

There cannot be a next if there is not a now.

When I find myself unfocused on my current state, with a floating mind or a distanced heart – I know I must recenter. What I cannot control does not define me but how I perceive my environment does. I pray to continue being the woman who restores my being. Who brings a hushing comfort to dark thoughts. Who dismisses confusion that invites itself in and anxiousness that overstays an unwelcomed visit. I pray to continue admiring the view. To remember a pause is not a pause at all, but a blessing of allowing something greater to be in control. The presence in the present. I pray to see the illusion in presented perfection. The illusion in pressure. The illusion in second guessing what I stand for. I pray to continue hand crafting – adding touch by bringing my most authentic self, allowing my creation to flee. Devouring the sight given. The sunrise and sunset does not ask us to drive into the race, but to get out and sit on it’s sidelines. To trust. In gleaming enchantment the rays whisper “Rest upon me. Next to me. Breathe. Relax. Become in awe of all that I am. All that you are. Don’t accelerate into darkness by choice. Reach out. Touch me. Become me. A breathtaking balance of stillness and movement. A miraculous beauty.”

When discovery takes place everything around us exhales as our beings inhale light, as our hearts beat in warmth. As our spirit rests in cheer. As the road says “I’ll be here when the time comes.”

-Sadianne Joyce

Fluency Exposed

Our language will be heard. Will it be understood? A chance we decide to take. One I admittedly love to take. There’s something alluring about walking into an environment and offering all I can be in true expression. There’s nothing more and nothing less that I can give when I am true to everything within. When I speak in a language that only aligns with all I am and all I can be, I soon experience who reciprocates.

Who speaks my language? The ones who understand without actual words. Energy that weaves through present space with ease and communion. Hearts that comfort. A shoulder to lean on without needing to ask. The ones who see simplicity as the greatest luxury. Everything materialistic will never hold the substance that something intangible can. Rhythms that sync and heartbeats to dance to. Foundation of trust and respect that’s constant. Passion that drips over conversations that impact and shift. Understanding that hard work is not only done in a workplace but personally. Value in existence radiates. Those who show up and are undeniably authentic to all that has shaped them. The creators, the artists, the enthusiasts. The ones who celebrate what calls directly to their heart. The ones who celebrate loudly and are unashamed of where their attention admires. The ones who bravely grasp onto what calls them near, even if others do not see the same beauty. The explorers. The ones who have sights, stories and poetic prose tucked carefully in safekeeping of their hearts. An example, an inspiring figure that takes up space in ones own style. A good character who only uses judgement from divine intuition. Those who are easy on themselves, loving always, even when it’s hard. Hearts that are whole, yet have room. Forgiveness and wisdom goes hand in hand. The ones who respond in vulnerability. The ones who expose challenges, knowing that support is not a sign of weakness but a battle to be fought together. The ones who keep faith near and trust in the process. Knowing that our connection alone holds significance, rhyme and reason.

If reciprocation does not take place it is not a time to feel alone. It is a time to celebrate differences, pure formation in truth. Take any failed connection as higher purpose guiding. Take any confused comprehension as understanding that it was never meant to be interpreted. Not everyone is meant for us and this is a beautiful part of life. Not every aspect of life is supposed to reflect perfection. Trust in this. Carry on. And always, continue to speak your language.

Fluently so.

-Sadianne Joyce

A Sculpted Masterpiece

There is a creator within all of us – it’s in our blood. We are a sculpted masterpiece, let us never forget.

As we are many things, we remain human, which allows us to fall into states of seeking, wanting only what we think will fill a void. Without realizing that everything we need is already within us, darkness can arrive. If we feel that our fire is burning out, when we forget, lack, and don’t feel the need to keep adding fuel – we become cold. Light is no longer, the atmosphere dims and our vision isn’t clear.

Depending on the season of my life, I will have an undeniable light within and around me. While other times I need to push harder and gather energy to stay inspired.

When we feel darkness approaching let us not stray too far. Let us remember that we only become lost when we step outside of ourselves. Our resources to regain, refocus and recreate are within us. The creator who created us would not leave us without the tools to become our best selves whenever we are genuinely motivated to put our best foot forward.

When we doubt what we’re capable of we’re putting borders upon our craft and limiting our outcome. Why is it so easy to be hard on ourselves? Why is it so hard to believe that yes, we in fact, can. We can do anything our heart desires. We are capable of much more than what we allow ourselves to know. Excuses are easy when our environment isn’t to it’s fullest potential, but what we forget is that our environment can shift, change and become redesigned by our own hands. Let us roll up our sleeves and become the artist who knows what they are capable of and unafraid to take the leap into movement.

Let us take a look at everything before us. Sometimes all we need is our surroundings to come to a breathtaking stillness. In this stillness we will see what no longer serves purpose. Room for new essentials will be available. I will surrender in letting go. I will move forward in growth, ignited light and conditions that enhance my soul.

We are a masterpiece always, even when we lose sight that everything we need is within. We are all growing, we are all learning, we are all coming home from being lost time and time again.

Our tension releases. Our posture lifts. Our spirit is felt. Our eyes see clear. Our language is heard. Our heart is healthy. Our mind is fulfilled with fresh thoughts. Our body is balanced. Our home is loved. Our tools are useful. Our creation lives.

-Sadianne Joyce

Virtue Defined

Emotions running through my blood, reminding me how alive and blessed I am to live a life granted. Sometimes it’s important to center all of our thoughts, our purpose, the joy we are capable of.

Ask yourself, what confirms my existence? What confirms my purpose? Tears begin to run down my face, making me understand the very reason of my creation.

We gather and forget what we are here for. Let us be reminded why we all live in the same place. It is not to feel crowded, invaded or anxious. I find people full of love everyday, and if I feel a shortage, I wish to offer a hand, wanting to remind them of why happiness is something we’re all capable of. I listen to hear God’s voice, I become a steward of blessing when I speak through him and when I give through him. When I become a blessing to others I am blessed with confirmation. I am rewarded with confirmation of knowing my very purpose. My purpose in life is not something to grasp, it is not a goal to reach, it’s not a day I look forward to. My purpose is now. It is present time that deserves indulgence. Every breath, every moment, every day. My purpose is to step outside of ordinary, to become something deeper than just a surface level, existing conversation. I wish to comfort and warm where cold hits and wishes to settle. I am created to admire, to look in the eyes of despair and pray for light. I’m here to look into the eyes of joy and feel them inspire. When I give joy, I receive joy – because within offering is foundation.

The design of my body was given as I continue to be the designer of my spirit. I am fulfilled with worthiness when I design by surrendering.

“I would rather be what God chose to make me than the most glorious creature that I could think of; For to have been born in God’s thought and then made by God is the dearest, grandest, and most precious in all thinking.” -C.S. Lewis

Surrendering is one of our strongest abilities. Surrendering to what God has called upon us, in front of us and behind us is not an easy task, but it is needed in order to understand pure reason. My motives are to let go of control. I no longer try to calculate what does not make sense. I stray from paths that do not lead to a holy place. I no longer move forward forgetting that I am chosen and a plan is crafted. I am yours God while I am still mine, experiencing this is virtue defined. I will only desire change if it is called by you. I will only trust where I feel you live. I only indulge where I can serve purpose and purpose can serve me. Unease and confusion does not tempt me. I no longer invite the unknown unless intuitive discovery calls. I will not go where I feel you afar. I cannot seek for something that is already inventoried within.

I have heard your voice, your comfort, your wisdom in places I have needed it – This is ALL I need. I will continue to be the very creation you called upon this Earth. I will continue to live as a daily reminder of what I am capable of – what we all are capable of.

I will continue to surrender.

-Sadianne Joyce

Joining Forces

Within all change is great character. We are always on our way. As I trust the process always, I break into this new season of bloom walking with the same heart that will never stop loving, the same soul that will never stop expressing. Except older, bigger, stronger.

I’ve been content with my present giving the time ahead a feeling of home. An understanding that vulnerability can be one of the most beautiful strengths. A knowing that my love is enough and more. A worth that continues to walk through all wrong intentions. A guidance from people who know my heart.

“I was meant to be experienced differently. I am not a friend you have had before, I am not a lover you have loved before, I am me.” 

When you experience me you will be experiencing my full truth. I am here for it all. This time better than ever. Even when I don’t feel ready, I will be. Even when I am not fearless, I will be brave. Even when I do not understand, I will listen.

To those in my life, I wish to reflect the good that I see in you. The unique craft that I admire, I wish to enhance by speaking upon and complimenting all you have to offer. I wish to be the balance on a warm day, offering shade and a breeze to keep you cool.

I want those I love to feel big, free and open in their truth as I have grown to express mine. Take up space, I want you here. Even when I am content and quiet, you are made of great company. The experiences that have shaped you are valid and even when it seems hard, let’s join forces to make it easier.

My heart feels freely and beats not only for myself but for those around me. How I exchange my emotions, realness and energy with others, will result in life. My life is beautiful because I choose to see the breathtaking view. I hear the song because I listen to the music. I dance without care because I know what’s worth worry. I am surrounded by love because of the people that mirror what I give.

Gratitude within me overflows, blossoms and becomes an energy surrounding me.

Thank what you have – it’s meant to be yours.
Thank what is not reciprocated – there is purpose.
Thank what has passed – you are growing.
Thank what’s to come – trust in the process.

The beauty of this all is so perpetual. 

-Sadianne Joyce