Tag: trust

My Testimony

 

close up colors landscape picture“The Lord is my Shepard – I lack nothing.

He makes me lie down in green pastures.

He leads me besides the still waters.

He restores my soul.

He leads me to paths of righteousness.”

He makes me. He leads me. He restores me.

There was no other way. Every day and especially come night, I had a relationship with God – he came in to protect me. When I think of my childhood I think of my Mother. She had an energy about her that gave me safety. Even when her environment was unsafe, my Mother didn’t allow fear to cross her. Gods protection reminded me of my Mom, but I knew with Gods protection that it wasn’t just me that was kept safe, it was both her and I, my sister, my Father, everyone surrounding me – which made my relationship with God a priority. It’s as if he came to me and I surrendered. I knew that all would be okay as long as I followed this feeling and trusted a higher form of care. As a kid our relationship felt like the greatest, private tale of all time, yet it was real. It was existing, sometimes a gut feeling – I didn’t know precisely what this love was, but I knew I would never move in the opposite direction. And it carried me all the way to the next chapters of my life. When I think of my life and the testimony that belongs to me, there is not a certain moment that was a defining moment. My testimony has lived within me since I came to understand the safety that followed after I allowed God to take care of my family and I. Prayer would blossom out of me. I wasn’t taken to church religiously, but my mind understood the beautiful, miraculous wonders that something much larger had to of been the Creator. I wasn’t religious in terms of following a set of rules but I had an undeniable, personal relationship that I embrace to this day. Spirituality is my movement. Everyone around me knew that my experiences were outside the ordinary for a child my age, I grew up fast. I had no other choice, the same way God came in and took care of my life. Our safety. He made me lay down, rest, and realize he was the only one who could restore all of the hurt, fight and confusion.

My mom received a phone call, I heard the detective on the other line tell her to turn around, they found him. “Where is he?” My Mother asked. The detective responded and told her he would speak to her in person. I pushed my head into the seat and prayed the hardest I’ve ever prayed in my life. In that moment I felt the presence of God surround my being. It was clarification, understanding and knowing that the feeling I’ve been feeling, came over my body in full. I was no longer having just a taste of what my relationship was, I became fulfilled. I prayed so hard I could barely breathe. It was my initial reaction, to speak to God. To let him know that I am here. I am with him. He let me know he was with me.

“Please. Let him be okay.” I whispered. I would soon find out that he was. He was no longer in pain. No longer addicted. No longer fighting control. As I prayed, I felt as if my Dad was taking my hair, tucking it behind my ear, rocking me back and forth, telling me, “I am okay. And you will be too. Your mom. Your sister. The days to come. The man who will fill in. I am not far, I am here with you. I hear you, not in the way I used to. But you are all knowing and you will never go a day without my attention.”

The rest of the night is a blur. It could have been the tears covering my eyes or the sound of the scream I heard from my Mom when the detective told her they found my father dead. I stayed in the car when she went in to have the conversation. Looking at my sister in her car seat I wondered how this could be. Tears fell from my face, my sister in my arms. This was now my battlefield. His hurt is gone and ours will worsen for some time. But because God is with me, I will never fail, the pain will not last, understanding will come over my heart, it will take years but it will come. I will never lose sight of the proof that we have a protective God. My fathers death was a grudge that I held for awhile. Sadness turned into anger and anger turned into anxiety.

I fought to forgive my Father for all he has missed and all he will miss out on, for the love I poured from my small being, feeling as if I could have done better… Wishing I would have done more… I forgave him. For making my Mother a warrior, not because she wanted to be but because she had to be, she was a survivor while sometimes feeling like she was losing. I forgave him for leaving. He left me with the most powerful lesson. He didn’t leave me empty handed and I often wonder if he as well, had a relation with God that offered pure peace. It took me a long time to realize this. He introduced the purest, most powerful love. And this is where my strength comes from, the relationship I had with God as a young age. It wasn’t because of the experiences I went through but because of the faith my small being had. Sometimes we go through ultimate darkness so we are made to kneel down, to have one choice but to give ourselves to the one who holds reason and I made the choice to do so. Even when it didn’t make sense, it does now. And I understand that I have been encountering God in special ways ever since.

With arms wide open and a broken heart, anger in my soul, misunderstanding when happiness was present, unknowingly defending all pain, carefully taking myself out of joyful situations because it felt too good to be true, I remembered that this is not what God would want for me. And most certainly not my Father, who wished with his entire being – to give me the very best. I not only forgave my Dad. I forgave myself and let the weights drift from my shoulders. I let go and let God in, again, again and again. And each time I would find that same feeling of guidance, fulfillment, a sense that I was being waited for. Restoration occurred and I am now the woman I am today because of the witness I grew up to be. There is no other way, there is no other choice, God is the center of my life, and the reason as to why the gospel I take in is so moving.

I pray that those who have their own testimony share their voice with others. I pray that those receiving, dance to the gospel.

I pray that those who have not had the opportunity to experience such a relationship, open their hearts and realize the rest will follow.

Trust in this.

The rest will follow.

-Sadianne Joyce

“It takes courage to give voice to what we experience, the way a coyote howls: not just out of hunger, but out of visceral joy at being a part of the infinite secret revealed. In this way, we’re angels wrapped in skin and fur, racing through thicket after thicket because we sense what can’t be seen all around us.” -M. Nepo

Pure Existence

When I dig down to my roots I find a girl with expression in her eyes. Story that hurts. Small moments that take place in deep memory because then, it meant more than I ever thought it would. Memories that swing in the breeze, like a careless child – innocent for just a few moments until the swing comes to a stop. Waiting patiently for someone to launch me to the sky again so that a few short moments feel whimsical. My stomach drops. My stomach aches from joy. My stomach becomes nauseated watching everything around me spin.

I’ve grown since the last time my body was launched to the sky, my hair falling back in a loose mess. I’ve grown but my roots still take me to this place. The highs and the lows. The force and the stop.

I was in a safe place, yet my hands still gripped the rope. I’d look down as if there were sharks jumping at my feet. I’d look up as if the branch would snap. I looked ahead and knew this was the feeling of pure existence. This is what it means to be alive.

Back and forth. In circles. Sometimes a twist. Although movement was everywhere, the safest place to be was riding the breeze. If I stayed put I knew I’d be able to find joy in the unknown. The imagination. Even the worry and doubt.

For a moment, when I really tried to focus, I could. I’d see someone ahead of me – the person pushing me. Everything else besides them was a blur. Focus was available even when everything else was full speed.

Dear God – Thank you for showing up. For aligning me into the perfect position to seek you. When everything around me feels rapid, too fast or even too slow… When the world seems out of control – I come back to this place. I remind myself of my roots. The girl staring at you reflects everything you created, placed with experiences to help her get to this place now. The highs to enjoy and the lows to focus on possibility. Restoration. To trust that all structure you build is strong enough to hold. That any direction I go, a crash will not succeed. All the emotions I once felt and all the moments of pure existence held reason. I am stronger. Braver. Trusting. There is challenge and there is reward. There is love and there is loss. God – may I never forget to seek you in moments of need. May I never forget to let my hair down. May I always come to focus on the one thing that stays constant while everything else continues to move.

Existence can be gut wrenchingly beautiful. But you already know that.

Amen.

-Sadianne Joyce

Fluency Exposed

Our language will be heard. Will it be understood? A chance we decide to take. One I admittedly love to take. There’s something alluring about walking into an environment and offering all I can be in true expression. There’s nothing more and nothing less that I can give when I am true to everything within. When I speak in a language that only aligns with all I am and all I can be, I soon experience who reciprocates.

Who speaks my language? The ones who understand without actual words. Energy that weaves through present space with ease and communion. Hearts that comfort. A shoulder to lean on without needing to ask. The ones who see simplicity as the greatest luxury. Everything materialistic will never hold the substance that something intangible can. Rhythms that sync and heartbeats to dance to. Foundation of trust and respect that’s constant. Passion that drips over conversations that impact and shift. Understanding that hard work is not only done in a workplace but personally. Value in existence radiates. Those who show up and are undeniably authentic to all that has shaped them. The creators, the artists, the enthusiasts. The ones who celebrate what calls directly to their heart. The ones who celebrate loudly and are unashamed of where their attention admires. The ones who bravely grasp onto what calls them near, even if others do not see the same beauty. The explorers. The ones who have sights, stories and poetic prose tucked carefully in safekeeping of their hearts. An example, an inspiring figure that takes up space in ones own style. A good character who only uses judgement from divine intuition. Those who are easy on themselves, loving always, even when it’s hard. Hearts that are whole, yet have room. Forgiveness and wisdom goes hand in hand. The ones who respond in vulnerability. The ones who expose challenges, knowing that support is not a sign of weakness but a battle to be fought together. The ones who keep faith near and trust in the process. Knowing that our connection alone holds significance, rhyme and reason.

If reciprocation does not take place it is not a time to feel alone. It is a time to celebrate differences, pure formation in truth. Take any failed connection as higher purpose guiding. Take any confused comprehension as understanding that it was never meant to be interpreted. Not everyone is meant for us and this is a beautiful part of life. Not every aspect of life is supposed to reflect perfection. Trust in this. Carry on. And always, continue to speak your language.

Fluently so.

-Sadianne Joyce

A Sculpted Masterpiece

There is a creator within all of us – it’s in our blood. We are a sculpted masterpiece, let us never forget.

As we are many things, we remain human, which allows us to fall into states of seeking, wanting only what we think will fill a void. Without realizing that everything we need is already within us, darkness can arrive. If we feel that our fire is burning out, when we forget, lack, and don’t feel the need to keep adding fuel – we become cold. Light is no longer, the atmosphere dims and our vision isn’t clear.

Depending on the season of my life, I will have an undeniable light within and around me. While other times I need to push harder and gather energy to stay inspired.

When we feel darkness approaching let us not stray too far. Let us remember that we only become lost when we step outside of ourselves. Our resources to regain, refocus and recreate are within us. The creator who created us would not leave us without the tools to become our best selves whenever we are genuinely motivated to put our best foot forward.

When we doubt what we’re capable of we’re putting borders upon our craft and limiting our outcome. Why is it so easy to be hard on ourselves? Why is it so hard to believe that yes, we in fact, can. We can do anything our heart desires. We are capable of much more than what we allow ourselves to know. Excuses are easy when our environment isn’t to it’s fullest potential, but what we forget is that our environment can shift, change and become redesigned by our own hands. Let us roll up our sleeves and become the artist who knows what they are capable of and unafraid to take the leap into movement.

Let us take a look at everything before us. Sometimes all we need is our surroundings to come to a breathtaking stillness. In this stillness we will see what no longer serves purpose. Room for new essentials will be available. I will surrender in letting go. I will move forward in growth, ignited light and conditions that enhance my soul.

We are a masterpiece always, even when we lose sight that everything we need is within. We are all growing, we are all learning, we are all coming home from being lost time and time again.

Our tension releases. Our posture lifts. Our spirit is felt. Our eyes see clear. Our language is heard. Our heart is healthy. Our mind is fulfilled with fresh thoughts. Our body is balanced. Our home is loved. Our tools are useful. Our creation lives.

-Sadianne Joyce

Breaking Chains

God blesses those who are poor and realize their need for him. God blesses those who mourn, for they will be comforted. God blesses those who are humble for they will inherit the whole world. God blesses those who hunger and thirst for justice, for they will be satisfied. God blesses those who are merciful for they will be shown mercy. God blesses those whose hearts are pure, for they will see God. God blesses those who are persecuted for doing right, for the Kingdom of Heaven is theirs. God blesses you when people mock you and persecute you and lie about you and say all sorts of evil things against you because you are my followers. Be happy about it! Be very glad! For a great reward awaits you in heaven.

As I was paging through my bible, spending time where I needed it, I came across these blessings. I’ll never doubt the messages that come our way when we are hungry to fill our stomach and make us full. God knows when we are seeking and hungry – when we reach out, we will be fulfilled with the exact nourishment we are lacking.

It normally happens when I’m in the midst of chaos, that I come to the realization that a deep breath, time alone and a conversation with my heart is needed. These conversations happen when my desires need to be revisited, my priorities and my surroundings. I ask myself, are you becoming more of the person you want to be by what surrounds you? Are you making every moment matter by surrounding yourself around genuine relationships, meaningful conversations and most importantly the joy that feeds your mind and heart?

We become so used to saying “yes” to opportunities that rise because of convenience. Sometimes our voice feels small because we have a fear of being judged after releasing our truth. We can even keep relationships because the lack of knowing our own worth, we’re scared to be without, because it is new territory.

I’m breaking the chains of fear. Of allowance in what doesn’t feel trustworthy. Heartfelt. Genuine. In relation with God. Comfortable. Easy. Loving. All in. I’m breaking wrong intentions of others, seeing through where they want me for their own selfish reasons. I’m breaking dishonesty from others, for it will not last as I have no space for it. I’m breaking silence, standing up in what is right and what is wrong. I’m breaking judgement, if you do not like the passionate, loud loving heart I have, it was never meant to be yours to understand. I’m breaking lack of communication by offering all I can on my end and if not mirrored, the path will continue on with light showing me a more fitting way.

“You must find the courage to leave the table if respect is no longer being served.” Tene Edwards

We have a mighty God. Ready and willing to overflow our hunger into satisfaction. The problem is, a lot of people are not ready to receive. Serve. And continue on with spiritual purpose and worth. We must see what God has created us to be.

If we don’t focus our life on personal care – we will never be able to offer our best selves. If we do not nurture where we need nourishment, even when we try to be a loving friend, partner or stranger, we wont be able to. When we lack care for ourselves we will lack care for others. When we are not honest with ourselves how could we ever express honesty to others, as it would be coming from a false source. When we do not love ourselves we cannot love those around us.

Break the chains that keep you in places that are not meant for you. Understand that distancing yourself to come home to yourself is often times key. Once you have that key you will be able to walk into your home, find love in the places that are decorated from all the good within you. And soon, you’ll be able to invite others in. They will be inspired, they will feel at home within your home because when we become our best selves we attract what syncs with our own belonging. They will take a piece of you with them, to keep. To cherish. To thank God for.

-Sadianne Joyce