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My Testimony

 

close up colors landscape picture“The Lord is my Shepard – I lack nothing.

He makes me lie down in green pastures.

He leads me besides the still waters.

He restores my soul.

He leads me to paths of righteousness.”

He makes me. He leads me. He restores me.

There was no other way. Every day and especially come night, I had a relationship with God – he came in to protect me. When I think of my childhood I think of my Mother. She had an energy about her that gave me safety. Even when her environment was unsafe, my Mother didn’t allow fear to cross her. Gods protection reminded me of my Mom, but I knew with Gods protection that it wasn’t just me that was kept safe, it was both her and I, my sister, my Father, everyone surrounding me – which made my relationship with God a priority. It’s as if he came to me and I surrendered. I knew that all would be okay as long as I followed this feeling and trusted a higher form of care. As a kid our relationship felt like the greatest, private tale of all time, yet it was real. It was existing, sometimes a gut feeling – I didn’t know precisely what this love was, but I knew I would never move in the opposite direction. And it carried me all the way to the next chapters of my life. When I think of my life and the testimony that belongs to me, there is not a certain moment that was a defining moment. My testimony has lived within me since I came to understand the safety that followed after I allowed God to take care of my family and I. Prayer would blossom out of me. I wasn’t taken to church religiously, but my mind understood the beautiful, miraculous wonders that something much larger had to of been the Creator. I wasn’t religious in terms of following a set of rules but I had an undeniable, personal relationship that I embrace to this day. Spirituality is my movement. Everyone around me knew that my experiences were outside the ordinary for a child my age, I grew up fast. I had no other choice, the same way God came in and took care of my life. Our safety. He made me lay down, rest, and realize he was the only one who could restore all of the hurt, fight and confusion.

My mom received a phone call, I heard the detective on the other line tell her to turn around, they found him. “Where is he?” My Mother asked. The detective responded and told her he would speak to her in person. I pushed my head into the seat and prayed the hardest I’ve ever prayed in my life. In that moment I felt the presence of God surround my being. It was clarification, understanding and knowing that the feeling I’ve been feeling, came over my body in full. I was no longer having just a taste of what my relationship was, I became fulfilled. I prayed so hard I could barely breathe. It was my initial reaction, to speak to God. To let him know that I am here. I am with him. He let me know he was with me.

“Please. Let him be okay.” I whispered. I would soon find out that he was. He was no longer in pain. No longer addicted. No longer fighting control. As I prayed, I felt as if my Dad was taking my hair, tucking it behind my ear, rocking me back and forth, telling me, “I am okay. And you will be too. Your mom. Your sister. The days to come. The man who will fill in. I am not far, I am here with you. I hear you, not in the way I used to. But you are all knowing and you will never go a day without my attention.”

The rest of the night is a blur. It could have been the tears covering my eyes or the sound of the scream I heard from my Mom when the detective told her they found my father dead. I stayed in the car when she went in to have the conversation. Looking at my sister in her car seat I wondered how this could be. Tears fell from my face, my sister in my arms. This was now my battlefield. His hurt is gone and ours will worsen for some time. But because God is with me, I will never fail, the pain will not last, understanding will come over my heart, it will take years but it will come. I will never lose sight of the proof that we have a protective God. My fathers death was a grudge that I held for awhile. Sadness turned into anger and anger turned into anxiety.

I fought to forgive my Father for all he has missed and all he will miss out on, for the love I poured from my small being, feeling as if I could have done better… Wishing I would have done more… I forgave him. For making my Mother a warrior, not because she wanted to be but because she had to be, she was a survivor while sometimes feeling like she was losing. I forgave him for leaving. He left me with the most powerful lesson. He didn’t leave me empty handed and I often wonder if he as well, had a relation with God that offered pure peace. It took me a long time to realize this. He introduced the purest, most powerful love. And this is where my strength comes from, the relationship I had with God as a young age. It wasn’t because of the experiences I went through but because of the faith my small being had. Sometimes we go through ultimate darkness so we are made to kneel down, to have one choice but to give ourselves to the one who holds reason and I made the choice to do so. Even when it didn’t make sense, it does now. And I understand that I have been encountering God in special ways ever since.

With arms wide open and a broken heart, anger in my soul, misunderstanding when happiness was present, unknowingly defending all pain, carefully taking myself out of joyful situations because it felt too good to be true, I remembered that this is not what God would want for me. And most certainly not my Father, who wished with his entire being – to give me the very best. I not only forgave my Dad. I forgave myself and let the weights drift from my shoulders. I let go and let God in, again, again and again. And each time I would find that same feeling of guidance, fulfillment, a sense that I was being waited for. Restoration occurred and I am now the woman I am today because of the witness I grew up to be. There is no other way, there is no other choice, God is the center of my life, and the reason as to why the gospel I take in is so moving.

I pray that those who have their own testimony share their voice with others. I pray that those receiving, dance to the gospel.

I pray that those who have not had the opportunity to experience such a relationship, open their hearts and realize the rest will follow.

Trust in this.

The rest will follow.

-Sadianne Joyce

“It takes courage to give voice to what we experience, the way a coyote howls: not just out of hunger, but out of visceral joy at being a part of the infinite secret revealed. In this way, we’re angels wrapped in skin and fur, racing through thicket after thicket because we sense what can’t be seen all around us.” -M. Nepo

The Temple Within

“The place you are looking for is the place from which you are looking.”

These words feel so fitting, so accurate and relevant. April, you’re here already? Where has my mind been? Searching for places of refuge, a place the unknown can rest. I’ll speak for myself when I say this pandemic has been eye opening. Showing me how it feels to live in a moment that is making history. Stories of improvement and stories of loss are published daily and we as a whole have yet to understand when it will all end. Aren’t we all looking for a place filled with health, compassion, sanity?

Within all chaos hides resting places. Shelters and temples. If we cannot find, we must remember one thing. We were created to be capable. Our capability is to fulfill all of our needs within when we are aligned with God. Even when we are sick, the Lord will comfort. Faith will seep through the cracks of discomfort and mend where we need it most. Fear vanishes when we trust that purpose lives.

Philippians 4:7 And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Romans 8:18 For I reckon that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us.

Through all mystery and unexplained circumstances I believe in purpose. Through destruction and misfortune I believe that we are given the chance to share emotion that helps mend each other in knowing we are in this together. When gathering is taken away we realize the importance of offering. When materialism is taken away we focus on the beauty of nature, or where we should be tending to it more often. When physical and emotional connection becomes limited we value comfort and the importance of other spirits. When we are isolated we see our true reflection, this time allows us to create anew. An opportunity to focus has been handed to us and it’s our choice to make it count. An opportunity to be thankful for what we do have has arrived.

Journal Entries: How can I dig deep within myself to create a resting place anywhere I am? What thoughts reassure me? Write them down. What have I taken for granted? What activities make me feel whole? Where can I express my thoughts and emotions out loud, to release, to cry, to feel heard? Am I thanking God for what I do have and praying for those who need restored faith? Write your prayers. Write a letter to God. Write a list why your peace and world peace is a priority.

Psalm 23 The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing. He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he refreshes my soul. He guides me along the right paths for his name’s sake. Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me.

-Sadianne Joyce

November’s Essence

“It was November – the month of crimson sunsets, parting birds, deep, sad hymns of the sea, passionate wind-songs in the pines. Ann roamed through the pine-land alleys in the park and, as she said, let that great sweeping wind blow the fogs out of her soul.” -L.M. Montgomery

Leaves dance with ease, but not before shedding from the branches to then riding the breeze. A journey of essential transformation. I will let the breeze that feels like future frost ride through my body. There’s something thrilling about this current environment, standing outside of our bodies contentment. We must shift, gather strength and find ease.

I’ve always admired this season of my life, all that it teaches me. I will mirror the wild of November’s essence. May I be unapologetic to the transformation that must take place in order to become what’s in store. I will release and I will gain. I will define the beauty of what we cannot control, the freedom of shifting. The adjustment that’s needed in order for new purpose. I will dance with the breeze, I will inhale the cold shifting from fall into winter and I will find the warmth. I will not take the undressing of what once bloomed as a loss. I will not slip into worry and doubt. I will embrace nature in it’s most natural way – resting in God’s creation. I will listen to His voice when I am told to adjust and then trust.

When this voice is heard, it may not be what we prefer, it may not be warm, it may not be easy but it will embody purpose. Sometimes we deserve to just sit back and let blessed realizations come to us. When we answer calls from God we give all the harvesting we’ve done room to manifest.

With mornings that begin in darkness, the stars will still shine bright later come night. And with long nights, the sun will still rise and shine through the cracks of my curtains the next morning in the familiar spots I’ve observed. These small moments of enlightenment will remind me that through all I endure, beauty will still find me… When morning begins colder and nights rush to become darker, I can change my perspective from loss to opportunity in gaining creativity to build my own temple of a cozy, safe landing.

Seasons never alter drastically, but rather slowly. They take their time – without rush but still in confidence. Approvals are not needed, they will change regardless of where you stand or how you try to prevent what is made to happen. Your new season will lead up, carrying essentials and gems. Memories of what was let go of and advances of what was learned. Love and lesson. Wholeness and defining moments.

For me, a defining moment happened while I was writing this, in a quiet coffee shop, everything around me was still. My body cold. Wondering what’s next? How do I answer questions I don’t understand? And then a gentle thought told me, “this is it. The season is new and so are you.”

Jazz filled the room, existence around me started to dance and gleam… My soul was feeling restoration of warmth fill in places I was unaware needed nurturing. Questions I don’t hold the answers to are not worthy of worry, instead God steps in.

Let us remember the very design of faith – in moments of stillness, He is working on movement. In places we are cold, warmth is on it’s way. In any void, He will fill. In any shift, He is there waiting.

“This is it. The season is new and so are you.”

-Sadianne Joyce

Sweeter.

Through years, healing, light and dark – a resting place within me has developed. A house, a feeling of comfort. A reflection of the peace I seek only to find within. Even on an unknown road, if I focus on the ease and love flowing beneath my skin and the depth through any structure – I am still. Safe. Satisfied. In all conditions, an environment will be adaptable by choosing my response.

A drive with a view can be tasteful, but a drive with a view can be sweeter, by doing one simple gesture… Pulling over to indulge in the sight. Allowing time to feel paused. There is no thought or worry focused on the movement of tires, because time is now.

There is a view, a life, a home deep within that craves a visit. If we do not take the time to stop and pave the way to this resting place, we will be unable to grasp the only thing we have – now. We will see it in the rear view, without carrying on with genuine intention of what’s next.

There cannot be a next if there is not a now.

When I find myself unfocused on my current state, with a floating mind or a distanced heart – I know I must recenter. What I cannot control does not define me but how I perceive my environment does. I pray to continue being the woman who restores my being. Who brings a hushing comfort to dark thoughts. Who dismisses confusion that invites itself in and anxiousness that overstays an unwelcomed visit. I pray to continue admiring the view. To remember a pause is not a pause at all, but a blessing of allowing something greater to be in control. The presence in the present. I pray to see the illusion in presented perfection. The illusion in pressure. The illusion in second guessing what I stand for. I pray to continue hand crafting – adding touch by bringing my most authentic self, allowing my creation to flee. Devouring the sight given. The sunrise and sunset does not ask us to drive into the race, but to get out and sit on it’s sidelines. To trust. In gleaming enchantment the rays whisper “Rest upon me. Next to me. Breathe. Relax. Become in awe of all that I am. All that you are. Don’t accelerate into darkness by choice. Reach out. Touch me. Become me. A breathtaking balance of stillness and movement. A miraculous beauty.”

When discovery takes place everything around us exhales as our beings inhale light, as our hearts beat in warmth. As our spirit rests in cheer. As the road says “I’ll be here when the time comes.”

-Sadianne Joyce

Fluency Exposed

Our language will be heard. Will it be understood? A chance we decide to take. One I admittedly love to take. There’s something alluring about walking into an environment and offering all I can be in true expression. There’s nothing more and nothing less that I can give when I am true to everything within. When I speak in a language that only aligns with all I am and all I can be, I soon experience who reciprocates.

Who speaks my language? The ones who understand without actual words. Energy that weaves through present space with ease and communion. Hearts that comfort. A shoulder to lean on without needing to ask. The ones who see simplicity as the greatest luxury. Everything materialistic will never hold the substance that something intangible can. Rhythms that sync and heartbeats to dance to. Foundation of trust and respect that’s constant. Passion that drips over conversations that impact and shift. Understanding that hard work is not only done in a workplace but personally. Value in existence radiates. Those who show up and are undeniably authentic to all that has shaped them. The creators, the artists, the enthusiasts. The ones who celebrate what calls directly to their heart. The ones who celebrate loudly and are unashamed of where their attention admires. The ones who bravely grasp onto what calls them near, even if others do not see the same beauty. The explorers. The ones who have sights, stories and poetic prose tucked carefully in safekeeping of their hearts. An example, an inspiring figure that takes up space in ones own style. A good character who only uses judgement from divine intuition. Those who are easy on themselves, loving always, even when it’s hard. Hearts that are whole, yet have room. Forgiveness and wisdom goes hand in hand. The ones who respond in vulnerability. The ones who expose challenges, knowing that support is not a sign of weakness but a battle to be fought together. The ones who keep faith near and trust in the process. Knowing that our connection alone holds significance, rhyme and reason.

If reciprocation does not take place it is not a time to feel alone. It is a time to celebrate differences, pure formation in truth. Take any failed connection as higher purpose guiding. Take any confused comprehension as understanding that it was never meant to be interpreted. Not everyone is meant for us and this is a beautiful part of life. Not every aspect of life is supposed to reflect perfection. Trust in this. Carry on. And always, continue to speak your language.

Fluently so.

-Sadianne Joyce

A Sculpted Masterpiece

There is a creator within all of us – it’s in our blood. We are a sculpted masterpiece, let us never forget.

As we are many things, we remain human, which allows us to fall into states of seeking, wanting only what we think will fill a void. Without realizing that everything we need is already within us, darkness can arrive. If we feel that our fire is burning out, when we forget, lack, and don’t feel the need to keep adding fuel – we become cold. Light is no longer, the atmosphere dims and our vision isn’t clear.

Depending on the season of my life, I will have an undeniable light within and around me. While other times I need to push harder and gather energy to stay inspired.

When we feel darkness approaching let us not stray too far. Let us remember that we only become lost when we step outside of ourselves. Our resources to regain, refocus and recreate are within us. The creator who created us would not leave us without the tools to become our best selves whenever we are genuinely motivated to put our best foot forward.

When we doubt what we’re capable of we’re putting borders upon our craft and limiting our outcome. Why is it so easy to be hard on ourselves? Why is it so hard to believe that yes, we in fact, can. We can do anything our heart desires. We are capable of much more than what we allow ourselves to know. Excuses are easy when our environment isn’t to it’s fullest potential, but what we forget is that our environment can shift, change and become redesigned by our own hands. Let us roll up our sleeves and become the artist who knows what they are capable of and unafraid to take the leap into movement.

Let us take a look at everything before us. Sometimes all we need is our surroundings to come to a breathtaking stillness. In this stillness we will see what no longer serves purpose. Room for new essentials will be available. I will surrender in letting go. I will move forward in growth, ignited light and conditions that enhance my soul.

We are a masterpiece always, even when we lose sight that everything we need is within. We are all growing, we are all learning, we are all coming home from being lost time and time again.

Our tension releases. Our posture lifts. Our spirit is felt. Our eyes see clear. Our language is heard. Our heart is healthy. Our mind is fulfilled with fresh thoughts. Our body is balanced. Our home is loved. Our tools are useful. Our creation lives.

-Sadianne Joyce